


Breaking the Silenace

by Morgana_avalon



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 00:44:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 61,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18419321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgana_avalon/pseuds/Morgana_avalon
Summary: Warning; adult themes, mentions rape, emotional and verbal abuse. Alternate Universe. Blair is not the hyper active TA we know. Rated NC-17.  While wrapping up a horrid case Jim and Simon find the latest victim of an insane psychopath. To protect their eye witness Jim takes Blair to the loft after he's been released from the hospital. Jim finds himself extremely protective of his temporary roommate.





	Breaking the Silenace

Breaking the Silence (complete. Rated NC-17 for rape and adult themes.)

 

Breaking the silence with my cries

Can't you hear me screaming?

WE could make all this wrong seem right

But you never answer me

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Prologue 

 

Jim

 

Simon and I have been planning this bust for weeks now. Ever since Julian Stevens moved into town and made Cascade an even more dangerous place to live. Julian Stevens first showed his ugly face thirteen months ago and left a trial of pain and devastation since. I vowed to take the bastard down and Simon shares that desire with a passion.

 

We found twelve bodies these last four months and every week another dead kid turned up in a dumpster in a deserted alley. It has to stop. Stevens is taking and ruining too many lives. These kids never hurt anyone. Their only crime was being homeless, addicts or being forced to sell their bodies for food and a warm place to sleep at night.

 

Stevens is picking up young kids, boys and girls, to test his new designer drugs on. Each time we find a body it's pumped with a larger dose of the poison he's trying to sell on the streets. The kids that do survive his drug experiments end up in brothels in the seediest part of town where he continues to feed off them as a parasite, acting as their pimp and taking all the money the sick bastards pay to have sex with underage kids.

 

It makes me mad as hell to think that this bastard has been able to ruin so many lives for this long, but we're going to put an end to it now. As I look at my captain, I realize how much depends on this bust. We need to succeed, need to take Stevens down. To make this happen Major Crimes and Vice joined forces and both departments have been working non-stop to catch Stevens.

 

Now that we're getting ready for the bust I wonder what we'll find. We have a snitch on the inside and he told us that Stevens is running several laboratories inside this building. This is also the place where he keeps his test subjects, kids whose bodies are only instruments in his desire to sell more drugs, drugs that will keep his clients happy and the addicts coming back.

 

This is also the place where he 'trains' the runaways his men picked up from the streets. These kids will be sold to the brothels or to 'personal friends' as sex slaves. Yeah, it's time to put a stop to this.

 

Simon whispers my name and I immediately pick up on it. No one else heard Simon saying my name, but my senses register it effortlessly. I was scared shitless when my senses went into overdrive a year ago and I would have been committed if Simon hadn't pulled me through. He could have easily avoided me, make me ride a desk or quit the force, but he didn't. Thanks to him I have some control over my heightened senses, though I realize how fragile my hold on them is. The thing that worries me most is losing track of time and reality. During these moments, I freeze, as I'm totally transfixed on a color, smell or sound. Even Simon can't help me control those spells.

 

Simon partnered me with Joel and told him about my wacky senses. Joel turned out to be the best partner I ever had, even better than Jack. Joel's always watching my back, knowing it's up to him to keep everything under control when I temporarily lose my connection to reality. He's saved my life countless times and I've done the same thing for him. My senses saved lives before and they'll continue to do so. Saving lives is the one reason that keeps my going, keeps me on the force, in spite of the obvious danger I continue to put myself and my partner in.

 

"Jim..."

 

I blink my eyes, realizing I was concentrating on the faces around me so deeply that I was about to have another spell again. I nod my head to let Simon and Joel know that I'm fine and join them. Simon's explaining to the teams how he wants them to move in and I listen closely as I'll be heading one of those teams as well.

 

"Listen up, people," Simon starts, "this isn't a picnic. Prepare for an ugly sight once you get inside. Our informant told us that Stevens has several kids in there and I don't want any of them harmed. They're victims and not perps! You may use force against them if necessary but try to take them down without causing permanent injury. These kids are probably drugged, sedated or scared so shitless that they will try anything to get out of that place."

 

Simon takes a deep breath and I wait for him to continue. He wants Stevens badly and I want to be the one who delivers the bastard to his doorstep.

 

"I want Stevens alive." Simon's eyes turn cold. "I want him to stand trial and to be sent to prison. We need to set an example to other lowlife scum that wants to set up a base of operations in Cascade." Simon pauses to gather his thoughts, knowing this is hard on everyone. "I want to make Cascade a safer place for our kids to live." He pushes back thoughts of Daryl and the dangers his teenage son, and thousands of other kids, face each day. "Let's do this!"

 

I'm about to turn away and get my team into position, but a soft, 'Jim', keeps me in place. "Yes, sir?"

 

Simon walks towards me and beckons me to follow him into the corridor. "What's up, Simon?" Now that we're alone I drop the 'sir'.

 

"Are you sure you want to go inside? What if you get too focused? It will be messy once you're inside and Joel might not be able to stay close to you. Stevens' men will play dirty to save their hides."

 

"Simon, I know you're worried, but lately... I feel like I gained more control over my senses. I can do this. I want to do this. Stevens is inside and we both want him. He can get away from the others but he can't get away from me. I want the bastard."

 

"Jim..." Simon sighs. "Be careful."

 

"Thanks." Simon knows better than to try to stop me. He also realizes how valuable a man with heightened senses is and that he needs me on the inside. Simon's my boss, but also my best friend, not an easy accomplishment. Years ago I didn't let anyone close. My marriage fell to pieces and after Caroline and I got divorced I felt it was best to shut everyone out. But then my senses forced me to trust people again. I'm still thankful that Simon and Joel never betrayed the trust I placed in them.

 

"What are you waiting for, Ellison? Get moving!"

 

I grin, salute Simon and join the others. It's time to take Stevens down.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

I'm curled up in the corner of my little cell, wondering when Stevens will remember I'm still down here. I don't know how much time has passed since his last visit, but I know he'll be back, he always does. Last time he was down here he stayed for hours, laughing at my screams, my pleading when I begged him to stop the pain. He broke my fingers one by one until I passed out from the pain. I should know by now that my pain only feeds his pleasure and that I should stay quiet, but I can't. The pain's too bad.

 

It's cold in here and I wish I still had that one blanket one of the guards, Jamie, gave me a few days ago. But Stevens found me wrapped up in it and angrily pulled it off my body, reprimanding the guard for giving it to me. I watched Stevens beat Jamie up and the injured man never looked at me again. Sam replaced him and this guy is a total creep, who loves to harass me. He places the food tray just out of my reach, challenging me to make my way to it. I did the first time he challenged me and I got beaten up so badly I never tried again.

 

I'm hungry now as well, have been for an eternity and I close my eyes, trying to lock out the pitiful sight I must be present. Ribs jut out and I'm only skin over bones. My long hair's a mess. It's been weeks since I was granted the luxury of a refreshing shower. I only get to shower when... when Stevens wants me. Lately, his interest has been decreasing and he only comes down here to taunt me. I no longer react, let him talk and try not to listen to his cruel words. Instead I try to focus on a woman's voice. I know she once was important to me, but I no longer remember her name. My memory has holes, and I've even forgotten my name. The only thing I remember is that I used to work at Rainier University, but that was a lifetime ago.

 

Shivering, I try to ignore the sounds coming from the corridor. Several voices are yelling, but I don't hear Stevens'. Maybe this isn't about me and they'll continue to ignore me. I jump as the door opens with a loud bang and curl up into a ball, trying to make myself as small as possible.

 

"Hey, pretty..."

 

It's Sam's voice, the guard who replaced Jamie. Shivers are running down my spine and my skin turns to goose flesh. It's not only the cold that makes me shake; it's knowing that Sam can beat the crap out of me and that I can't do a thing to stop him. I tried in the beginning, tried to kick and punch him, but others held me down, and my ribs still ache, although the fractures have healed.

 

"Roll over, pretty. You know better than to cross me."

 

Yeah, I do and I roll onto my back, waiting for him to make his move. I keep my eyes lowered, not wanting to anger him by looking him in the eyes. None of the guards ever touched me sexually; Stevens made it pretty clear that I was his property and off limits to them. But now that Stevens is losing interest they might want to get a piece of me as well.

 

"Now look at that, shivering and shaking... Are you cold, boy?"

 

His callused hands touch my shoulder, travel down my chest and I bit my lip, trying hard not to scream. If only I still had that blanket, it would present a barrier. Now I'm naked and have to endure his touch. Please, don't let him beat me up again. I don't think I can take another beating!

 

Suddenly cold metal snaps into place around my wrists and my eyes grow big. He put hand cuffs on me? Why? It's not like I can hit him. My broken fingers hurt like hell and are totally useless.

 

"You're going to be quiet now, pretty. I don't want to hear a single sound, understood?"

 

Yeah, I understand. I won't make a noise, won't talk, moan, whisper or plead for help. I can't remember the last time I said something aloud. The first thing they beat out of me when I got here was my desire to talk. Stevens threatened to cut out my tongue if I didn't learn to be quiet and I was a quick study, I had to be.

 

Looking at Sam, I see that he's also restraining my feet. What the hell's going on? Are they scared I'm going to run away? Yeah, right, like I still have the power to do so! When was the last time I managed to get to my feet? Days ago? I can't even get up to use the toilet in the corner of the room and defiled myself.

 

"Jesus, you stink!"

 

And I hope it will keep you away from me! Don't touch me! Just don't touch me! His hands remind me of Stevens', roaming my body and using it at his will. The memories still make me want to throw up, but I fight that urge, knowing I can't clean myself up.

 

"Open your mouth, come on!"

 

No, not that gag ball. I hate that contraption. Defiantly, I keep my mouth closed, but then his hands settle down on my nose, pinching it shut and I have to open my mouth in order to breathe! That bastard! The red gag ball is pushed into my mouth and he adjusts the strap that holds in place.

 

"Not a sound, pretty, or you'll regret it!"

 

His hands move toward my groin area and he squeezes my limp cock hard, trying to get his point across. I bite down the pain filled moan that tries to leave my lips, which can't get passed the gag ball anyway. I close my eyes, hoping that whatever his plans are he'll execute them quickly. Another beating? Will he finally defy Stevens and rape me? Please, I don't want to go through the pain again. I barely healed up from the last time Stevens forced himself on me.

 

Suddenly a warm blanket descends on me, covering my body and Sam's tucking it around me. I love the feel of it, but why is he tucking it around my head as well? I can't breathe properly like this! The blanket is suffocating me and the gag ball is making it even harder for me to draw oxygen into my lungs.

 

In all the time that I've been here I never cried when they were around. I always waited for them to leave me alone and now that I'm hidden beneath the blanket I let my tears flow down my face. It surprises me that I still have tears to shed. Didn't they dry up a long time ago?

 

How much longer can I bear this? When will the torment finally end? Stevens stripped me of everything, every sense of self-worth I ever had. Why can't it stop?

 

A sharp needle unexpectedly touches my left hip and I try to move away from it. No, I don't want another shot. Stevens started to feed me his drugs after I got here and has been shooting me up with them ever since. It makes me drowsy and unfocused. Sam puts the blanket back in place and leaves me alone, shivering in the darkness. It only takes minutes for the drug to take effect and soon I'm floating on a heavy fog that renders it possible for me to think clearly.

 

Please... I don't know whom I'm begging... Please, stop the pain... Help me...

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim

 

"It's time to move in, men. Remember, we want Stevens alive and try to secure the vics. We don't want them to run into the line of fire, dazed by drugs as they are. They're innocent bystanders and we can't afford another life lost in this battle. Stevens already killed too many of them." Looking into their eyes I find that my message got across just fine. "Joel, try to stay close?" I'll need him in case I focus too badly.

 

"Sure, Jim."

 

Joel's kind eyes promise me all the back up I'll need. "Let's do this, men!" Simon's signal comes in over our headsets and we storm inside. After kicking down the doors, teams move in from opposite sides to make sure that none of Steven's men can escape. My heightened senses come in handy as I detect one of Stevens' men targeting Rafe, who doesn't have a clue that he's in danger. With one shot I manage to take the enemy down and his body drops several feet and lands in front of Rafe.

 

"Thanks, Ellison," Rafe says hoarsely.

 

"Be more careful." Turning away from Rafe's team I concentrate on my own. We located Stevens' whereabouts and are moving upstairs now. The warehouse is dark and boxes and other material block our way. We struggle through and finally reach his makeshift office. Henri's team has also reached the location and is firing heavily, trying to get Stevens to surrender, but it doesn't look like Stevens is impressed.

 

Using my heightened sight I find that Stevens opened the fire escape door and is trying to leave the building, leaving his men to cover his sorry ass. "Joel, tell Simon that Stevens is using the fire escape!" I don't wait for Joel to follow me. I have to act now or Stevens will be gone and I can't let that creep get away.

 

Running downstairs I locate the backdoor. After signaling some Vice cops that our prime suspect is leaving the building, they follow me at a distance. "Stevens, you bastard, your ass is mine!"

 

He must have heard me because he turns around. The hate that flashes in his eyes tells me to be careful. Stevens raises his gun and fires a few shots at me. I duck and the bullets bury themselves in the crates beside me. "You're not getting away!"

 

I jump, tackle him and manage to disarm him. His gun lands between the crates, but Stevens doesn't surrender yet. I growl as his fist connects with my jaw. Now the bastard did it; he made me angry as hell! All I can think about are the bodies we found these last few months and I repay him with a right hook of my own. A few teeth are sent flying through the air, but I don't care. I want this bastard to pay for the lives he ruined. "They're just kids, you fucker!"

 

Suddenly, arms wrap themselves around my shoulders from the back, pulling me away from Stevens. I snarl and am ready to fight off another one of Stevens' men when Joel's soft voice suddenly penetrates my clouded mind. Realizing my partner is trying to pull me away I try to compose myself. 

 

"Hey, Jim, you've got him. Don't kill him. You want him to rot in jail, remember? You know what they do to child molesters in prison. Let go, Jim."

 

My fingers relax and let go of Stevens' shirt. Staring at the startled face I find that I broke his nose. Good, now I feel some sort of satisfaction. "Cuff and mirandarize him. Don't make any mistakes. I don't want him to get out on a technicality!"

 

Rafe's team joins the Vice cops who are putting the cuffs on Stevens and he assures me that everything will happen according to the book. Reassured that Rafe has everything under control I return to the warehouse. Joel's walking behind me and I hear his thundering heartbeat. He probably thought I'd lost it when I started beating Stevens. And shit, yeah, he's right. I saw Stevens' face through a haze of red and I don't know if I would have stopped beating the crap out of him.

 

"The majority of Stevens' men surrendered," Joel says. "And Simon wants you to walk through the building to make sure no one's hiding. He doesn't want anyone to get away."

 

I nod my head. "I want them to rot in hell, Joel." The understanding look in his eyes tells me he hates these leeches as well. Joel was there every time I had to go over the dead bodies in search of clues. We've been cops for years and seen our share of atrocities, but finding these kids' bodies in the darkest, seediest parts of town, hit home.

 

"Jim, good job," Simon comments and waves us closer.

 

"Thanks, Simon." I direct my attention to the warehouse in front of him. "You got any leads to how many might be hiding?"

 

"No, but I bet there are still some of Stevens' men inside. We know there's a basement and Henri's team's moving in. I want you there in case... in case it's an ambush." Simon rubs the bridge of his nose. He looks tired.

 

"Sure, I'll join them in a sec. Joel, are you coming?" Joel nods his head and follows me. My heightened hearing picks up on Simon's parting words.

 

"Jim, you can't lose it again like that. I know how you feel about Stevens, but... stay in control!" 

 

My jaw tightens, understanding the warning. Simon needs me here, needs me to scout ahead and keep his men safe, but doesn't always approve of my temper. I promised him to work on achieving more control, but it's hard. Yes, Joel's voice pulls me back, but never gives me a sense of control. I doubt anyone can.

 

"Jim!"

 

Joel's voice pulls me away from my musings and I find that Henri's team is already retreating from the basement. "What did you find, H?"

 

"Not much. Another two of Stevens' men and we put them under arrest." H watches as his men drag the two criminals from the bowels of the building. "It's a mess down there."

 

"What did you find?" Something's wrong, though I can't label the sensation. A sound drifts up through the corridors, coming from the basement. It's a whimpering heartbeat, beating much too fast, racing out of control. Another one of Stevens' men who's hiding down there?

 

"Cells. Looks like Stevens locked up the kids he wanted to sell as prostitutes." Henri doesn't even try to hide his disgust.

 

"H, are you sure you got everyone?" Henri knows about my heightened senses but I don't want to advertise them in front of the Vice cops that are gathering evidence.

 

"Why? You wanna go down there again?" Henri asks.

 

The look in Henri's eyes tells me he understands. "We better do just that. H, I want to go in there with Joel. Make sure no one follows us inside." Henri nods his head and I signal Joel to start walking. Once we're inside and out of hearing range I whisper, "Someone's still down here."

 

"What are you picking up, Jim?" Joel moves cautiously, gun in hand, ready to fire.

 

I can tell he dislikes this dark place that stinks of blood, urine and faeces. So do I, but we're both cops and it's our duty to secure this one person that eluded Henri. "One heartbeat, racing and out of control. Either he's preparing to attack us or..." The thought suddenly hits me. "Or he's a vic Henri didn't find."

 

"You think our target's a vic?"

 

I slowly nod my head. "Makes sense. I smell fear on him and... blood..." I manage to block out the other scents that make me nauseous. "This way..." I lead Joel down the corridor and we halt in front of the last cell. The door's ajar and I can hear the rustle of fabric inside. I'm tempted to move in on my own, but can't take the risk. There are too many scents down here and the risk that I'll fall victim to another spell is too big. "Stay close, Joel, but hold your fire."

 

Joel follows suit and puts the safety back on. My hunches turned out right before and he trusts me not to make any mistakes.

 

After pushing the cell door open, I need a moment to calm my spiking senses. The stench is overwhelming.

 

"Jim?"

 

"I'm fine." I'm sorry for my rude tone, but I need to concentrate. Finally I'm in control again and take a step inside. "Someone's in here, Joel..." My eyes are drawn to the dirty mattress in the corner of the room and I catch the minuscule movement beneath the blanket. The stench of fear doubles and I'm pretty sure now that we're dealing with a victim. "Stay here," I instruct Joel and take another step closer toward the corner. "You're safe now, kid. It's the police."

 

The bundle beneath the blanket grows motionless and I sit on my heels, intent on pulling away the blanket. "It's okay, kid." Steeling myself for the miserable creature I will find beneath the dirty fabric, I start to pull away the blanket. The first thing I notice is the long, brown hair, which would have been beautiful if it weren't tainted with dried blood and dirt.

 

"Joel, get the paramedics in here. We found another vic." I can hear Joel move behind me as he contacts Simon. I turn my attention back to the victim and realize his back is turned toward me. "Can you roll onto your back?" I have no idea with whom I'm dealing with. Is it a boy or a girl? How old is the victim?

 

I remove the blanket completely and shudder, finding him naked beneath it. Seeing his body I know I'm dealing with a young man. Finding bruises, marks of a whip and scars of fingernails on his skin make me angry. I should have broken more of Stevens' bones!

 

"Come on, kid, turn around." I'm growing frustrated as I'm not getting a response and then I detect another familiar scent beneath the fear. Stevens' designer drug. He shot the poor kid up!

 

Reaching out, I tenderly turn him onto his back. His eyes remain closed, but I see the dark lashes and strong jaw line beneath the dirt. I check his heartbeat and pulse. It's still too fast and he's sweating profusely. Must be the drug. Seeing the gag ball in his mouth I barely repress an angry growl.

 

Recalling how to undo the strap from my days in Vice, I try to remove the offending item. But the kid's biting down on the gag ball and it takes me a moment to pull it from his mouth. The ball's stained with blood and my own blood begins to boil. "Come on, let's get you out of here." I'm vaguely aware of Joel moving closer to assist me, but I sweep his hands away. "I can do this." 

 

"Jim, he needs help. He's cuffed and his feet are shackled as well. It will take a while for the paramedics to get down here. We need to keep him warm." Joel looks at their latest victim with nothing but concern in his eyes. "You should wrap the blanket around him again."

 

I know Joel's right, but for some elusive reason my fingertips are glued to the young man's skin. My senses seem to shift, creating sensations I never felt before. My hearing is locked on his heartbeat and pulse. My sense of smell is taking in as much of him as it can and touch... My God, touching his skin is sending delight up my arms, which settles in my brain. Taste... I want to taste him, want to imprint his taste on my senses. I can't pull my eyes away from his face and it feels like coming home. Like finding the other half of my soul, which I'm searching for since my senses kicked in. Somehow, I'm connected to him and that thought scares and thrills me at the same time. "Where the hell are those paramedics?"

 

The kid needs medical attention. He's shivering against me and his body goes into convulsions. I try to hold him the best I can, but the convulsions gain in strength and he's shaking so hard that I fear for his life.

 

"Jim, they're here."

 

Joel's trying to pry my hands away from the blanket that's warming the kid. "I don't want to let go," I whisper, totally stunned by my fierce response.

 

"Let them do their job," Simon says and joins Joel in his efforts. "They'll take him to the hospital. Ellison, snap out of it!"

 

Suddenly Simon's shaking me and I release the kid unexpectedly. I'm grateful that the paramedic catches him, securing the victim to a gurney and wheeling him out of this hellhole while checking the young man's vital signs.

 

As the distance increases, a stabbing pain moves through my head and I massage my temple. A terrible headache is building and I know what I have to do. "I've got to stay with him, Simon." 

 

"Listen to me, detective!" Simon speaks in a firm tone. "You need to be debriefed. Your work here is done and they'll take good care of him."

 

"You don't understand," I whisper, feeling miserable. I get to my feet and fight down the urge to run after the gurney. "Something happened just now, happened to my senses and this kid..."

 

"Jim, come with me."

 

Simon rests his hand on my shoulder and guides me out of the cell, upstairs and finally into his car. I calm down and feel relieved that I'm no longer in that rat hole. "I need to see him again." Simon's concerned expression is like a cold shower and I flinch.

 

"Jim, what the hell's going on? I never saw you react like that. Is it your senses?"

 

"Simon, you can't understand. When I touched him something happened. My senses, they... they seemed so intense. Having them finally felt right." I stare at my hands, finding them tainted with the victim's blood. "His blood, Simon...Do we have any idea who he is?"

 

"No," Simon admits. "I'll look into that when we return to the station. After the debriefing I want you to head home and get some rest. Do you want me to page Joel to keep you company?"

 

"No, I'm fine." I don't want Joel close. I want this stranger! "Let's get this show on the road, Simon." After the debriefing I will be leaving the station, but I won't head for the loft. I'll go to Cascade General instead and try to find out more about this longhaired young man whom my senses reacted to.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Detective Ellison?"

 

I'm grateful that I'm no stranger to Doctor Tate. God knows how many times he treated my injures when I was brought to the ER. "Doctor, I'm here on official business," I start and it's the truth. After talking for almost an hour, Simon agreed to let me follow up on John Doe. I'm to question him and find out if he's an eyewitness or not. Stevens has some big shot lawyers and we'll need every witness we can get our hands on. I also convinced Simon that our John Doe needed to be guarded as long as we aren't completely sure that we arrested all of Stevens' men.

 

"The nurse already told me." Doctor Tate sits down.

 

I join him and can barely keep my impatience in check. "How's he doing?" Tate's expression shifts to concern and I hold my breath.

 

"Not good. He's dehydrated and malnourished. All ten fingers are broken and we found scars on his back. He was beaten and whipped. Two of his ribs were broken not so long ago and never healed properly." Tate pauses to gather his thoughts. "We also found scar tissue that tells us that he's been frequently raped these past few months."

 

"Damn!" I almost slam my fist into the wall. Control, Ellison, control! 

 

"We bandaged his fingers, which need at least 5 more weeks to heal properly. We disinfected the wounds on his back and started two IV's to get some fluids into his body. His ribs needed support and we bandaged those as well. He's pretty much confined to bed for now."

 

"What about Stevens' drug? It can be lethal." Images of dead kids flash on my retina and I close my eyes briefly to rid myself of the appalling memories.

 

"We're flushing it from his system. Right now it's rendering him unconsciousness and he might be experiencing some hallucinations later once he wakes up. However, I feel confident it won't leave any permanent damage. Do you want to see him?"

 

"Yes, I'm assigned to guard him." I get to my feet and follow Tate down the corridor. "Anything else?" I'm hungry for more information.

 

"You still got no ID on him?"

 

"No." And that bothers me. Simon's working on it, but so far Missing Persons couldn't identify him.

 

"Our John Doe is about twenty five years old..." Tate starts.

 

"He looks younger," I muse. "No older than twenty." I frown, wondering why Stevens was holding him prisoner. The oldest kid we freed was eighteen years old. Stevens' business 'friends' like them young. 

 

Tate shrugs his shoulders. "We'll only know for sure once we know his identity." He halts in front of the last room. "I know you have to guard him, but let him sleep. When you question him, I want to be present. My patient's mental state is fragile at best. Don't pressure him, understood, Ellison?"

 

I grin, relieved that Tate feels protective of our John Doe. I feel the same way. "Understood, doc. I'll sit quietly in the corner of the room and wait for him to wake up. No questions, no pressure."

 

"Good," Tate mutters and opens the door. "I don't expect him to wake up within the next few hours. I'll tell the nurse to bring you some dinner and we can put in another bed so you can get some sleep."

 

"The chair will do, but I won't say no to a warm meal, even when it's hospital food."

 

Tate nods his head and leaves the room.

 

I'm finally alone with my mysterious stranger and I walk soundlessly toward the bed. Looking down, I realize Tate's right. He looks awfully fragile. My breath catches, seeing his face for the first time. With the dirt and blood gone I'm taken aback by the exquisite bone structure. The nurse also washed his hair and a million curls frame his face. "My God," I whisper stunned. After pulling the chair closer to the bed I sit down, studying his face.

 

My anger surfaces, seeing the bruised skin tissue. His face is a battlefield of blue and black. Hesitantly I raise my left hand and gently touch some unmarred skin near his left temple. Electricity sizzles around my fingertips and I pull back quickly, not wanting to wake him. He moans softly and tries to shift in the bed, but then freezes again. "I know it hurts, Chief, but you'll heal, I promise."

 

I wonder about my fascination for this stranger, my urge to protect him, to be close to him. But it doesn't look like I will find the answers to those questions any time soon and I settle down in the chair. Tenderly, my gaze travels down his body. The sheet reaches to his waist, and bruises, bite marks and scars cover his chest. I want to punch Stevens all over again.

 

"Sleep, I'll watch over you." I want to curl my fingers around his, but when my fingertips only encounter bandages I pull back, not wanting to hurt this shattered soul. I settle for fingering a strand of his hair. It probably reaches beneath his shoulder blades and I've never felt anything this soft before. It's woven silk and my fingertips tingle with pleasure as they caress the soft material.

 

I keep an eye on the monitor that's registering his heartbeat. At the first sign of distress I lean forward. "Shst, Chief. You're safe now. No one's going to hurt you." He seems to relax and so do I. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

A soft and gentle voice drifts into my mind, and calms me down. In my dreams I'm running, trying to get away from Stevens, but I never gain any head start and hands always pull me close, forcing me to hold still and submit to the torment that will follow.

 

"Shst, Chief, it's okay now..."

 

I don't think I know that voice, but I recognize it from minutes earlier when it also tried to comfort me. It isn't Stevens' or Sam's, it's a stranger's and fear builds in my stomach. Stevens once told me that several of his 'friends' had expressed an interest in me and I've lived in fear even since. I know that Stevens specializes in selling sex slaves, he told me to intimidate me, which worked. And now I'm terrified that I'll be sold off to someone who's even a bigger sadist than Stevens. I don't think I would survive.

 

"Hey, can you open your eyes for me? I know you're waking up."

 

It's that voice again. Open my eyes? He wants me to open my eyes? Stevens always shouted at me when I opened them to look at him. I was told to lower them and keep them focused on the floor and to never raise them. I don't want to open my eyes. I like it the way things are now.

 

"Come on, buddy. You're safe now. I only want to talk to you."

 

Why's he calling me Chief and buddy? I hope my mother was smart enough not to put those names on my birth certificate. A chuckle almost forms, but I swallow it down, knowing it will only cause trouble. I move slightly, suddenly wondering why my mattress feels this soft and warm. It always was dirty and soiled with urine and faeces. Now I feel warm and I push deeper into the soft comfort. If this is a dream I don't want to wake up.

 

"Talk to me, buddy."

 

The voice is back. Although it sounds kind and gentle I won't let it fool me. Stevens tried to seduce me in the beginning as well and I almost fell for it. No more talking. I learned my lesson well.

 

"At least open your eyes for me."

 

Can I do that? Do I want to do that? My eyes flutter open and I yelp helplessly as the bright light hurts them. Then a dark figure hovers above me, shielding me from the light. Instinctively I close my eyes and bring up my arms to protect my face in case my yelps displeased him.

 

"I'll turn them down, hold on."

 

Huh? I peek through half closed eyelids and manage to get a good look at the man who's now turning down the lights. I don't think I ever saw him before. He isn't one of the guards Stevens assigned to watch me and suddenly I realize that I'm no longer in my cell. It looks like a hospital room, but I don't remember being moved. What's going on? I close my eyes again and try to curl up. A sharp pain travels through my ribcage and I uncurl, stretching slightly. Looking down my body I find my ribs taped.

 

Why am I suddenly getting medical attention? Stevens always told me I didn't need it. I raise my hands, wondering why my fingers are no longer hurting that badly and find them bandaged as well. Choking up, a tiny sound leaves my lips, reminding me that the ball gag is gone... and I'm clean! Someone washed my hair and the dirt's gone from my body. I can actually see my skin again, which is heavily bruised. The dimmed light no longer hurts my eyes and I release a soft sigh, trying not to attract any attention. I peek at his eyes. They are blue and incredibly intense. A soft gaze returns mine and I quickly lower my eyes, realizing I've been staring at him. You never look them in the eyes, I remind myself. You don't want to be beat up again!

 

"That better? I'm Jim," he introduces himself.

 

Jim? I don't know any Jim, never heard that name before. I'm shivering from the cold and fear and flinch away as his hands move to pull the sheet up to my shoulders.

 

"Hey, you don't need to be afraid of me. I won't hurt you." 

 

Yeah, right, sorry man, I heard that line too many times. Awkwardly, my fingers reach for the sheet, wanting to pull it over my head to hide from his intense eyes, but my useless hands fail me.

 

"Are you still cold, buddy?" Jim's voice is rough with concern. "I'll get you a blanket." He rises from the chair, retrieves the blanket and covers me with it.

 

I don't understand why he's concerned about me... except... what if Stevens sold me to him and never bothered to tell me? It's the only logical explanation. Stevens got tired of me and sold me off. So this is my new owner? He doesn't look mean, but looks can be deceiving.

 

"You're probably wondering what happened," Jim says, gently. "You're in the hospital and Doctor Tate's treating your injuries. You're hurting, aren't you? Can you at least tell me your name? We don't know who you are and we're grateful for any information you can give us."

 

Strange, he still looks at me with concern. I wonder why? Stevens brought some of his 'friends' to the cells so they could pick the kid they wanted and they never sounded this kind. But if this is my owner I'm going to try to make the best of it and once I get the chance I'm running away. I'm nobody's slave, no matter what Stevens told me! I don't belong to anyone except me!

 

Jim's still giving me that worried look and I avert my eyes. I feel tired and drained and realize I have to play along for now. I need to regain my strength first. Right now I can't fight him and have to submit.

 

"Hey, Chief, what's wrong?" Jim reaches out, but I flinch away from his hand. I wish he'd stop calling me Chief, not knowing why it sounds like a caress. Stevens always put me down, calling me 'Pretty' and I still shiver, just recalling that word.

 

"You must be thirsty. Do you want something to drink?" Jim fills a glass with water, puts a straw in it and sits down on the side of my bed.

 

Immediately, I try to squirm away from him, but my body refuses to move at all. Jim's pressing a button that raises the head end of my bed. I cringe, as my ribs protest the movement. The motion stops and I try to bury myself in the mattress, trying to hide in it when his hand approaches once more. I know he's going to strike at me, hit me and add to the bruises.

 

"You really are scared of me." Jim's voice carries a distinct tone of disbelief. "Look, Chief, I know Stevens... no, don't..."

 

My shivering gets out of control and I start shaking at hearing that name. I knew it! Stevens and Jim are friends and he sold me to this man! I pull up my legs, ignoring the pain that shoots through my body and I wrap my arms around my ankles, trying to make myself invisible.

 

"No, don't... don't be afraid of me." Jim rests his hand on my head, gently stroking my hair, but I can only think of shaking it off. "Please, Chief, I wanna help." I don't know why but his tone gets to me and the tremors grow less. "That's it, look at me." Hesitantly, I obey and lock eyes with him. I'm shocked to find them filled with unshed tears.

 

"Jim?" Simon comes to a stop, seeing the scene in front of him.

 

"Simon, I don't know what that bastard did to him, but..." Jim's voice dies.

 

I cast a quick look at the dark skinned man and then close my eyes, trying to find some semblance of inner peace again. Jim's still stroking my hair and to my surprise I find that the gesture does calm me. I try to block out their voices, to no avail, and listen involuntarily.

 

"Stevens is in custody and so are his men." Simon moves slowly towards my bed and I hope he won't come any closer. I breathe a sigh of relief when he halts in his tracks. "How's the kid doing?"

 

"Not really responding," Jim replies and I don't let it bother me that they are discussing me while I'm lying here. 'Keep your mouth shut!' Stevens' voice races through my mind and I obey.

 

"Think about it, Jim." Simon pulls up a chair from beneath the window and sits down as well. "We don't know how long he's been in that hell hole and only God knows what Stevens did to him. He lost his ability to trust."

 

The dark skinned man is right. I no longer trust anyone, including myself. I know that when the pain gets too bad I'll do whatever they want me to. Why's Jim's hand still tangling in my hair? Caressing it? When was I last touched by someone who cared about me? How long did Stevens have me? I don't know. 

 

"What do we do now, Simon?" Jim's fingers now massage my scalp and I can't suppress a sigh of deep contentment. Jim hears it and smiles. "I think he likes that."

 

"Give him time," Simon says and rises from his chair. "Look, Jim, I need to get back to the precinct. Try to find out what the kid knows and contact me."

 

"I'll have to win his trust first."

 

Hearing Jim's words I open my eyes and peek at his. He seems honest and determined, but I don't buy it. He's got to have a hidden agenda; like win my trust and then hurt me when I least expect it. No, I won't play along.

 

"You're staying here?" Simon moves toward the doorway.

 

"Yeah." Jim takes a deep breath. "Try to get an ID on him, Simon. We need that information now that he's not talking."

 

"I'll do the best I can," Simon promises and then leaves the room.

 

"What's your story, buddy?"

 

Jim's tone forces my eyes open again and this time I'm able to maintain eye contact for a few moments. Oh, how I wish he were sincere and not playing head games! Too tired to think this over my eyes slip shut again. Lured into a false sense of safety by the ever present caress to my hair, I start to fall asleep again. I fight it for short moments, not wanting to give into the darkness. I need to stay awake so I know what he's up to.

 

"Close those baby blues, Chief and get some sleep. God knows you need it. I'll be here when you wake up and no one will get close to you or hurt you. You've got my word." 

 

As I drift off to sleep, I wonder how badly he will hurt me.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Jim

 

I know I was wrong to expect that he'd trust me at first sight, but I hoped that he would understand that I'm his friend. I was wrong. The first time those big eyes locked with mine, I saw the distrust and pain in them. He'll do whatever is necessary to make sure no one ever hurts him again. Damn, I feel like I failed him. I'm not thinking rationally, letting my feelings get the better of me, but I can't help it. There's something about him that causes a pain in my heart. I never felt like this before.

 

He's finally fallen asleep and I sigh relieved. The agony in those eyes is more than I can take. Simon's right. This youngster has been hurt so badly that he won't trust again. "Chief, I'll find a way to make things up to you. Stevens won't get away with this and you'll heal." But what if never bounces back? What if he's truly a lost soul?

 

"Detective Ellison?"

 

Looking up, I find Tate standing in the doorway, gesturing me to join him in the corridor. As I leave the room, a nurse slips by, closing the door quickly behind her. Have I just been tricked?

 

"Don't glare at me, detective. My patient has needs that need to be tended to. You've been guarding him like a watch dog, but he needs some privacy now. I promised you dinner. Let's grab a bite to eat and she'll be done when we get back."

 

"I hate being tricked." Realizing that Tate made a valid point I fall into step beside him. "Anything new?"

 

"We got some tests back. No STD's and no HIV. Whoever raped him used protection."

 

I growl softly. At least Stevens didn't expose him to any sexually transmitted diseases. "How long will he have to stay?"

 

"The drug should have left his body by now, but we don't know about its after effects so I want to keep him here for at least 24 hours. He needs the fluids and once he wakes fully we'll try to get him to eat." Tate opens the door and walks into the break room. From the fridge he pulls some left over pizza and nukes it in the microwave. Carrying the slices over to the table he sits down.

 

I collapse onto the chair and stare at the pizza. Only now I see that he also placed a salad on the table as well. Although I'm hungry the food holds no attraction, but I force myself to eat a slice and some salad.

 

"You do realize that emotionally he's a mess? He'll need long term counseling." Tate gets up and starts the coffee maker. "I take it you're going to stay the night?"

 

"Yeah, he's scared and I don't want to leave him alone. Some of his kidnappers might still be on the loose." I accept the mug and sip the hot coffee. "Why isn't he talking?" That question has been bugging me since Simon's visit.

 

"Hum..." Tate sips as well and considers the question. "Physically nothing's wrong with his vocal cords. There's no medical reason he can't speak. Maybe his kidnapper didn't want to listen to him talk and threatened him? If that's the case, he would be scared to speak now as well."

 

"I need to gain his trust."

 

"That will be hard, detective and it will take time."

 

I place the now empty mug on the table. "I'm going back." Since I left his room I felt lonely and incomplete. I need to find out why I'm connected to him and how to gain his trust. I push back my chair and get to my feet. "Let me know when he can leave the hospital? I have to find him a place to stay." Tate's eyes show his curiosity and he must be wondering why I'm taking care of our John Doe.

 

"As I said before, he can leave in twenty four hours, detective."

 

Nodding my head, I mumble a distracted 'thanks' and leave the break room. Something is pulling me back to his room and I pick up speed. "He needs a name," I realize. Chief and buddy won't do. I'll ask him to pick one and if he doesn't, I'll give him one.

 

A muffled sound makes me freeze at first and then urges me to start running. It's coming from his room and I hear fabric moving against fabric. His breathing is labored. Something's wrong and I kick in the door without shouting a warning.

 

"What the hell..." Stevens is looming above the young man, pushing a pillow onto his face. "Get the fuck away from him!" I draw my gun, aim and fire. Stevens reacts at once, drops the pillow onto the floor and tries to slam me into the wall. Dazed, I try to stop him, but he's too quick and dashes into the corridor. I want to follow him, but hearing the kid struggle for breath stops me. I grab my cell phone, speed dial Simon's number and march over the bed.

 

"I'm here, everything's okay now." I pull him into a sitting position and force him to rest his body against my chest. "Take deep breaths, Chief, in and out, in and out, yeah, that's it." At the same time I press the button that will alert the nurse. However, it's Tate that shows up first.

 

"What happened?" Moving methodically, Tate checks the IV's and bandages. Then he concentrates on the readings on the monitor. "He needs oxygen."

 

I let Tate move between me and my charge and watch him fasten an oxygen mask over the kid's mouth. "Now, that will make things easier. Just breathe, don't panic." I see the terror in his eyes and feel bad for leaving his side. But damn, Stevens is behind bars!

 

"Banks!"

 

"Simon, what the hell's going on? Stevens just tried to kill our John Doe!" The kid's body collapses against mine and I tighten my hold on him.

 

"Jim, that's impossible! Stevens is behind bars!" Simon's bafflement mingles with mine.

 

"Then how come he tried to suffocate the kid? He was here! I saw him!"

 

"Jim, that's impossible..." Simon pauses. "Hold on, I just got some background information on Stevens and... yes, here it is. The bastard has a twin brother. Fuck, that's why we never caught him! I always wondered how he could move that fast from one location to the other. There are two of them! Jim, I'm sending Joel over to the hospital to back you up. Whatever the kid knows makes Stevens feel threatened. He might be our star witness."

 

Stroking his back soothingly I focus on his breathing and am relieved when it settles down again. "Understood." I need to ask one more question before I can end this conversation. "Simon, do we have a name yet? Have you identified the kid?"

 

"Yes..." Simon searches his desk for another file. "His name's Blair..." A knock on the door cuts him short. "Jim, I've got to go."

 

"I'll contact you later." After terminating the connection, I slip the phone back into my pocket and look at the trembling man in my arms. I finally got a name. "Blair, everything's going to be all right. Trust me." He looks up at, eyes filled with pain and fear and his lips form a question beneath the oxygen mask. I don't need to hear the words to understand what his eyes are asking. "Yeah, that's your name, Blair."

 

"Lay him back down on the bed," Tate instructs in a firm tone.

 

I obey and lower Blair back into the pillows. His useless hands are trying to claw the blanket, but the fabric falls from his awkward grasp. "I'm sorry I let you down," I apologize. "Simon's hunting Stevens' twin down as we speak. He won't get far. Every squad car is on the look out for him."

 

But Blair's too shaken and I don't blame him. It's like escaping a nightmare only to find the boogie man standing next to you when you wake up again. "We didn't know about his brother. Blair, why does he want to kill you? What do you know?" I'm hoping he will tell me, but his lips don't move. "You can talk, can't you?"

 

A weak nod confirms my suspicions. "So you can talk, you just don't want to? Chief, you're making this awfully hard on everyone."

 

"Detective? I want you to stop pressuring my patient."

 

Tate's expression is firm and I know when to back off. If I don't, he'll force me to leave the room and he won't hesitate to call in security should I refuse. I grin briefly, recalling how three security officers kept me from leaving the ER after I'd been shot in the leg. Simon had brought me in and had been astonished to see Tate take control like that.

 

"I'll stop," I promise and pull up the blanket to make sure Blair's warm. Blair... I love that name. It sounds warm and caring. Yeah, Blair suits him just fine.

 

"The drug left his body and I want to give him a sedative to make him sleep," Tate explains and turns to fill a syringe.

 

But Blair hears the words as well and tries to struggle free. "Don't fight us, Chief. Your body needs the rest." The soft, whimpering moan that leaves his lips makes me shiver. He's shaking his head wildly, begging me with his eyes to stop Tate. "Doctor?"

 

"Yes?"

 

Tate's eyes lock with mine. "Blair doesn't want the sedative."

 

"I understand that," Tate says, looking Blair in the eyes. "But you need to calm down. I don't want to sedate you, but you've got to stop fighting us. Calm down, Blair and I won't give you the sedative." 

 

It's amazing how quickly Blair settles down. Nothing remains of his hectic movements and his big eyes lock with mine. "Yeah, you're doing great, Chief. Just stay calm. Look, the doctor's putting away the syringe." His eyes follow Tate's hands as the doctor hands the syringe to a nurse. Blair remains tense though. "Do me a favor? Try to rest? I'll stay here; don't worry. I won't let you out of my sight again."

 

I feel reassured when he weakly nods his head. "That's it, just relax." His eyes close, but I know he isn't falling asleep again. He's on full alert, ready to act to a new threat. Finding Tate's eyes, my resolve strengthens. "He can't stay here."

 

"What do you propose?" Tate isn't thrilled about his patient leaving the hospital, but knows Blair isn't safe here.

 

"I'm going to take him to the loft. I can defend him better when I'm on familiar territory. I want you to show me how to care for him. Get his prescriptions filled and I'll make sure he's well taken care of."

 

"You were a medic once, weren't you?"

 

"Yeah, I can take of most things that come up and if something unexpected happens I'll give you a call." It's obvious that Tate's reluctant to let Blair go, but the safety of his patients comes first.

 

"I'll write down my instructions," Tate says, giving in. "Make sure he takes his prescriptions with him and I'll give you my private number. Don't hesitate to call me!"

 

Contently, I nod my head. Blair has grown motionless and I can smell the fear on him. "Don't worry, buddy. Joel and I will keep you safe."

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Blair

 

"Joel, come on in and meet Blair," Jim says.

 

He even gives me a wink. I'm still trying to figure out this man. I don't know a thing about him, my thoughts are still blurry and sometimes I'm back in that dirty cell. These things make it hard for me to concentrate, but thankfully Jim pulls me back when the past gets the better of me. The sound of his voice enough to break the hold the past has on me during those moments.

 

I lean back into the comfort of the mattress and pretend disinterest when another dark skinned man enters the room. I wonder briefly if it's Simon, but then realize my mistake. This man is older and is carries around more pounds than is appropriate for him. Joel... I try to memorize the names; maybe I can use that knowledge to my advantage one day.

 

"Hi, Blair," Joel says and smiles brightly. "You seem to be doing better."

 

Better? Man, does that mean he was in the basement? Is he one of Stevens' men? My body starts to shake and I wonder if I can make it to the doorway in case they want to hurt me. Hah, whom am I kidding? I can't even leave my bed! My head's reeling and my ribs and fingers ache. Why can't they leave me alone? I just want to sleep and never wake up again. Instead, they are hovering over me, trying to appear concerned.

 

Joel extends his hand, then freezes, seeing my bandaged fingers.

 

"Sorry, Blair, wasn't thinking," Joel murmurs apologetically.

 

I freeze. His right hand is approaching my face and I pull away, trying to protect myself.

 

"Blair..."

 

Jim's soft tone makes me look up and I stare at Joel's hand, which halted in midair. It leaves me hanging in limbo, wondering when it will finally connect with my skin.

 

"Blair, we need to talk." Jim continues to pack my meds and the booklet with instructions Tate left. Joel's hand moves and starts its descent until it disappears from view. Talk? What does Jim want to talk about? I watch them closely as they come to a halt next to my bed. What's going to happen next?

 

"I'm going to take you to the loft. I live there," Jim adds, seeing the puzzled look I give him. "Once you're settled comfortably in bed we're going to talk."

 

Okay... so he's taking me away from the hospital to a place where no one can track me down? Is that the idea? Maybe I need to think of an escape plan before he gets me into a car? But no, it's useless. My body still refuses to move properly.

 

"We're going to put you in the wheelchair," Jim says and beckons Joel to get the wheelchair.

 

I don't want to leave this bed. I'm warm and there are people close, which gives me a safe feeling, as safe as I can feel these days. Jim pushes down the blanket and I feel relieved that someone put me in a medical gown. It might be open at the back, but at least it covers most of my body. Jim's hand unexpectedly settles on my shoulder and I fail to repress a flinch at the unwelcome touch.

 

"I know Tate gave you something against the pain, but let me know when the pain becomes too much?"

 

Jim's voice still carries that odd worried tone and I bit my lip, trying hard not to call out when he pulls me toward him.

 

"Rest against my chest and let me do the work, Chief."

 

Yeah, like I've got a choice here! I rest my head against his chest and feel his hands move down. God, no, not again!

 

"Relax, Blair, I'm only going to lift you so I can sit you down in the wheelchair."

 

I pinch my eyes shut as a stabbing pain moves through my body. My fractured ribs object to the movement and I feel sore in places I never felt before. For long moments I'm in his arms and his hold is the only thing that keeps me from dropping onto the floor. A cold draft slips beneath my medical gown and I realize my butt's exposed. Not that it really matters. He'll want me naked soon anyways.

 

"Almost there, Chief."

 

Jim lowers me and I'm shaking like a leave by the time my body collapses in the wheelchair. My eyes are swimming with tears, but I refuse to cry. I can deal with the pain; I dealt with it for months. Why would it be different now?

 

Because you're beginning to feel safe, a tiny voice whispers in the back of my mind. Unfair, I reply, I'm still hurting. Realizing I'm arguing with myself I try to clear my head.

 

"Here, don't want you to grow cold." Jim places a blanket over my knees, pulls it to my shoulders and tucks it in. It feels so good to be warm.

 

"Jim?" Joel's standing in the doorway, waiting for Jim's sign that we're ready to move.

 

"We're on our way." Jim pushes the wheelchair out of the room and I lower my eyes, letting my hair fall in front of my face to act as a barrier. Please, I don't want to meet more people. Seeing the pity in Jim and Joel's eyes is bad enough.

 

"I pulled the car up front," Joel says, maintaining his distance.

 

I'm glad he's not walking directly behind me. He's to my left and I can see every move he makes. Having Jim walk behind me, pushing the chair is bad enough. I want to be able to see them both.

 

"I'll help Blair into the back," Jim says as we leave the hospital. Joel's marching towards his car, opens the car door and before I realize what's happening Jim's lifting me onto the backseat.

 

"Are you okay, Chief?"

 

Jim's kind voice makes me shiver. Weakly, I nod my head, hoping he won't join me on the backseat. I sigh relieved when he closes the car door and slips onto the passenger seat next to Joel, who's already keying the ignition. Where are they taking me? Yeah, Jim's home, but where does he live?

 

Man, it's strange to be outside again. I don't remember the last time I was in a car, driving through Cascade. My eyes are about to close again and I can't believe how tired I feel. The only things I did today were sleep and eat.

 

Did you forget about Stevens' twin brother? That annoying voice's back and I try to shove it away into a corner of my mind. I don't want to think about my nemesis' face right now.

 

Jim's looking over his shoulder and I catch his gaze. Involuntarily I smile, trying to reassure him that I'm fine, but then I startle and hide behind my hair again. What the hell am I doing smiling at him?

 

"It's okay, Chief. You can go back to sleep at the loft. This trip must be tiring you."

 

Jim's right. I wouldn't have believed it possible, but I feel drained.

 

"Is the kid doing okay?" Joel's voice's soft and filled with concern. It's been so long since someone felt worried about me that it makes my eyes tear up again. Damn, what's wrong with me? Am I such a cry baby? Come on, be a man and don't embarrass yourself!

 

For the rest of the drive I stare outside, recognizing some buildings, but at the next turn I feel lost again. After ten minutes the car comes to a halt. Joel parks the car, shuts it down and looks questioningly at Jim. "Want me to watch the loft from here or do you want me upstairs?"

 

Jim considers the question and I find myself hoping that Joel will stay down here. It's hard enough to have to deal with Jim close; I don't think I can deal with having both of them around.

 

"Why don't you stay here? I'm going to help Blair upstairs and will give you a call later?"

 

Thanks, Jim. Mentally I sigh, relieved.

 

Jim gets out of the car and opens my car door.

 

"Are you still awake, Blair?"

 

The smile on his face takes me aback and a soft murmur escapes my lips. Startled, I look up at him.

 

"Was that a sound?"

 

Jim smiles and reaches for me. I almost pull back, but suppress that urge at the last second. His arms slip beneath my knees and back and he lifts me slowly, carrying me in his arms toward the building. Joel got out as well and opens the door for us.

 

"Take good care of him, Jim," Joel says and gives me a sad smile. I wonder if I should be mad because he's talking about me like I'm not here, but decide Joel's doing the best he can. I'm not being co-operative either.

 

"Can you push the elevator button before heading back to your car?" Jim asks.

 

Joel pushes the button and then turns around. Jim shifts me slightly in his arms and I release a startled yelp, wrapping one arm around his neck for support. I don't want to be dropped, accidentally or on purpose.

 

"I've got you, Chief." To prove his statement Jim's hold tightens. 

 

We enter the elevator and while riding it, I wonder what his home will be like and why he's taking me there. Will he keep me locked up as well or...? He doesn't strike me as a bully and maybe he'll treat me better than Stevens did. I certainly hope so.

 

"Hold on, buddy. I need to open the door."

 

I wish I had the full use of my hands and hold on the best I can. The door swings open and I sneak a look inside his home. It's spacious, clean and warm. Jim carries me inside and I watch the door close behind us. Now there's no way back for me. Soon, he'll lock up and I'll be a prisoner.

 

"I'm gonna sit you down on the couch for now. I asked Simon to arrange for another bed." Jim's eyes travel towards the room next to the kitchen and I find it furnished with a desk, chair and bed, which looks terribly inviting. Jim puts me down on the couch and I sit quietly, taking in my surroundings. It's almost cosy, almost. There are no personal photos and everything is so damned clean that I'm scared to move for fear of creating a dust bunny. Why the hell has he brought me here?

 

"Are you thirsty, Chief? Or do you want a bite to eat?" Jim's already heading for the kitchen while I'm trying to come up with an answer. Before I left the hospital Tate made me eat lunch and my stomach didn't like it one bit. I loved the food, but my stomach couldn't handle it and I threw up lunch only minutes later.

 

"Do you like tea, Blair?"

 

Hearing my name causes a strange sensation in my stomach. Blair... Suddenly I need to know how long Stevens had me, but can I ask Jim? Do I even remember how to form words and how pronounce them? Why does it feel like it's been years since I spoke last?

 

Jim's watching the water as it comes to the boil and I watch him fill two mugs with hot water, adding the teabags. He carries both mugs over to the couch and places them on the coffee table. I can't turn my eyes away from the tea, overwhelmed by a sudden craving to sip it, but I can't curl my fingers around it. They're bandaged and I feel pretty much completely helpless.

 

"Let's wait until it's cooled down a bit." Jim sits down beside me and I move away from him, only to be stopped by the armrest.

 

"We're going to talk now," Jim announces and takes hold of one mug. He's blowing at the hot tea, trying to cool it down faster. "Here, try a small sip."

 

I feel utterly embarrassed when he places the rim of the mug against my lips, allowing me to take a tiny sip. The warm liquid soothingly moves down my throat and I allow myself to relax for a moment. Jim places the mug back onto the coffee table and his eyes examine mine. I grow nervous, wondering what he's seeing in them. Quickly, I avert mine, staring at the floor instead. It's clean enough to actually eat from and I can't help but chuckle. Startled, I cover my mouth with my bandaged right hand. I didn't want to chuckle out loud.

 

"Something funny?" Jim inquires and offers me another sip, which I gratefully accept. The warm tea soothes my throat and I try to find the courage to actually address him.

 

"Well, we can talk about that later." Jim puts the tea down again and gestures me to let him talk. "We should start all over again. My name's Jim Ellison and I'm a cop, a detective with Cascade's Major Crimes Unit."

 

A cop? Jim's a cop? I can't believe that and shake my head. If he's a cop that means I got rescued, that I'm free now. No, can't be! Jim has to be one of Stevens' friends who bought me as his sex slave. I can't be so lucky to be free!

 

"You don't believe me, huh?" Jim reaches for his coat and pulls something from it. "Here, have a look at my badge."

 

Dumbfounded, I stare at his ID. Detective James Ellison. He's a real cop! Lifting my eyes, I find his and I squirm closer.

 

"Remember the guy who showed up at the hospital before Stevens' twin brother attacked you?"

 

That dark skinned man? Yeah, I remember him. What was his name?

 

"Simon. His name's Simon Banks and he heads the Major Crimes Unit. He's my boss. Joel is a senior detective and my partner."

 

Jim places the badge on my lap for me to study and I need it, need the proof that he's telling the truth. 

 

"We arrested Stevens and his men, but we didn't know he had a twin brother. Simon's still looking for him, but I'm sure we'll catch him in the end. In the meantime you should be safe here."

 

Jim leans in closer and I suppress the urge to jump up from the couch and put some distance between us. He reaches for the tea again and lets me sip. I feel so damned helpless and stare at my useless hands.

 

"You're probably wondering how Simon found out who you are. Usually we take fingerprints to run them through the computer, but your fingers were broken so we took pictures instead. They compared your picture to the ones in the missing person's reports and they came up with a match."

 

Yeah, I'd been wondering about that. I'm glad someone cared enough about me to report me missing. Gathering my thoughts I'm determined to say something aloud. Doesn't matter what.

 

"Are you hungry? I can fix us some soup," Jim offers.

 

I finally allow myself to feel safe. His voice, his presence makes me feel safe and I can't help but like him a lot. Shaking my head, I move my lips, trying to form words. "N-not... hung-gry..." I stutter, feeling victorious because I managed to actually speak those words. Jim's eyes brighten with pleasure and a radiant smile flashes across his features.

 

"Way to go, Chief! Those were your first words! I knew you could do it."

 

Jim squeezes my arm reassuringly and I stare at his hand, resting on the fabric of the blanket. I need to tell him that I have to visit the bathroom, but suddenly my courage deserts me. Hearing my voice upset me.

 

"What is it, Blair?"

 

Jim moves a little closer and I fight the urge to get away from him. Relax, calm down, he only wants to help, I remind myself. Finding my courage again I whisper, "Bath... r-room."

 

"You need to go to the bathroom?"

 

I nod my head. Yeah, I need to take a leak and am worried I might defile the couch if we wait much longer.

 

"Let me do this, buddy."

 

Jim gets to his feet and helps me rise from the couch as well. Clutching the blanket the best I can, I drag it with me as we make our way over to the bathroom. I'm relieved that I feel fairly balanced. At times I sway on my feet, but I manage to catch my equilibrium each time.

 

"You're doing great," Jim says softly.

 

He opens the door for me and helps me inside. A bathtub! There's a bathtub! Would he let me take a bath once I feel better and no longer need the bandages? Idiot! I chide myself. I'll be gone by the time I've recovered. I won't stay here forever! Probably just as long as it takes them to catch Stevens' twin. 

 

"Uh, how do you want to do this, Blair?"

 

I realize our predicament. I can't use my hands and... I really need to take that leak.

 

"Want me to hold it for you?"

 

I can't believe Jim actually offered! Looking over my shoulder, I find a sincere expression in his eyes. He isn't making fun of me and really wants to help.

 

"I was a medic in the army, Chief. I've done this before."

 

"K-kay," I whisper, nodding my head as well in case he didn't hear my whispered consent. His hands slip beneath the waistband of the boxers I'm wearing courtesy of Cascade General and I shiver as he pulls them down. Exposed, I start to tremble.

 

"It'll be over in a few seconds, Blair. Just relax and do your thing," Jim says reassuringly and turns on the water to help me relax.

 

It works and I collapse against him as I empty my bladder. A sordid memory sweeps through me, recalling defiling myself in the cell and Sam laughing at my helplessness. No, that's in the past now! I need to put it behind me, but can I? Why do I feel like that memory is only the tip of the iceberg? Because I'm locking away the really painful memories.

 

"Let's move you back to the living room, buddy," Jim says and tightens his hold on my. Only hours ago, feeling his arms tighten around me freaked me out, but now I'm leaning into the embrace, holding on for support.

 

"Yeah, that's it. You can trust me."

 

Can I? Can I trust him? I have to try or I'll lose the little sanity I have left. He pulls the boxers back into place and wraps the blanket around my form again. Slowly we make our way back to the living room and he supports me every step of the way. Every now and then I falter and Jim halts in his tracks to let me catch my breath. "K-kay..."

 

Jim helps me sit down. "Or do you want me to take you to your bedroom so you can sleep?"

 

His question surprises me. My bedroom? "N-no... a-am f-fine here." I manage a reassuring smile which Jim returns tenfold. He's really pleased that I'm talking again, go figure!

 

"Want to lie down?" Jim asks concerned.

 

Again, I settle for nodding my head. I only spoke a few words, but my throat's feeling raw. He helps me lie down, covers me with another blanket and then moves back to the bathroom to wash his hands.

 

When he returns I'm dozing already, ready to fall asleep again. Is it because of Stevens' drug that I'm this sleepy or because of Tate's pain medication?

 

"Before you go to sleep, Chief, drink some more."

 

Obediently, I sip the tea until I emptied the mug. I lay back and follow Jim's back as he moves to the kitchen to collect the bag he brought from the hospital. It contains my meds and Tate's instructions.

 

"I think it's time for another round of pain meds." Jim sits down, opens the bag and uncovers the meds and booklets. After reading them, he looks up again. "I also need to put some ointment on your skin to fight infection. What did they hit you with? A whip?"

 

I nod my head and he grows silent.

 

"I want to kill the fucker."

 

His fierce reaction baffles me. "Jim-m?" Why did he say that?

 

"You have no idea what you look like," Jim whispers, feeling miserably. "I'm surprised they managed to work with the pictures we took from your face. You're black and blue and..."

 

Why is this affecting Jim so badly? He hardly knows me! I shy back from asking that question and curl up as far as my bandaged ribs allow me to. Hiding beneath the blanket I feel safer than I ever felt before and I'm sure it has everything to do with the man sitting opposite me.

 

Jim gets to his feet abruptly and walks into the kitchen where he retrieves some crackers and orange juice.

 

"I'm sorry, Blair, but you need to eat something and take these meds before you can go to sleep." Jim sits on his heels in front of me and uncaps the bottle filled with yellow pills.

 

"These are antibiotics; Tate wants you to take them. Here, eat these crackers first and try to drink some orange juice as well."

 

I remember a time when I would have protested loudly, but now I eat the crackers and swallow the meds willingly. Next are the pain pills and I swallow them as well. Jim helps me to get comfortable again and I watch him fumble the bag.

 

"I need to take care of your... marks as well. Dirt beneath the fingernails can trigger some nasty infections and I saw the scratch marks on your arms." Jim puts the bag down after uncovering the ointment. "I can do that while you're asleep. That way you won't feel any discomfort."

 

I'm touched by his concern for me and I want to tell him that he can do it now, that his touch doesn't gross me out like Stevens' did, but the pills kick in big time and make me sleepy. "Is-s kay." I hope he heard my words. Pushing deeper into the comfort of the couch I surrender to sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim

 

Wringing my hands, I stare at the motionless body in front of me. I finished treating Blair's injuries some minutes ago, but can't pull away from him. My senses feast on him, making it nearly impossible for me to put some distance between us. His unique scent has settled in my nostrils and I'm sure I can locate him in a crowd. His heartbeat... it sings in my blood as my heart pumps it through my veins. The rhythmic beating of my heart is molding itself to his.

 

I force myself to sit back, but fail to look away. All I can think about is burying my fingers in his hair. I want to finger his curls, kiss them, and taste their texture. Under different circumstances I would fear for my sanity, but I've never felt this much in control before.

 

After making sure that Blair's warm I collect my cell phone and dial Joel's number. "Joel? Want to join me for some coffee? Blair's sound asleep."

 

"Sure, Jim. I'm on my way," Joel replies.

 

I walk into the kitchen and start the coffee maker. Regularly, I look over my shoulder to make sure Blair's fine. I've never felt this much in sync with another human being and his mere presence makes me smile. My senses are locked on to him, keeping track of his breathing, ready to detect the smallest change.

 

A knock on the door pulls me from my musings and I let Joel in. His first glance is for Blair and I smile. "You like him as well, don't you?" I pour the coffee and put our mugs on the kitchen table, where Joel joins me.

 

"He looks like a kid, much too young to be caught up in this," Joel muses, then hands me Blair's file. "Simon wants you to read it."

 

I raise an eyebrow, letting Joel know that I want the abridged version. Joel sighs and decides to enlighten me.

 

"His name's Blair Sandburg and he's twenty five years old. According to his mentor at Rainier he's a genius. He was only sixteen when he started at Rainier and is now working on his dissertation. He's well liked by his students, but he's also a bit of a trouble maker. The Dean..." Joel pauses, trying to remember the correct name. "Dean Edwards wasn't pleased when Blair accused one of the professors of covering for some drugs dealers on campus. Blair was officially reprimanded for making false accusations." Joel sips from his coffee and a delighted smile appears on his face. "Liquid gold, priceless."

 

"Joel, did Blair talk to the cops about the drugs dealers?" Something's nagging at the back of my mind, telling me to be alert.

 

Joel shrugs his shoulders. "Not that I know of. At least it's not in his file."

 

"Try to find out if he reported them? I got this feeling Stevens had a very good reason to keep Blair locked away. None of the other victims had Blair's age."

 

Joel nods his head. "I'll look in to it. But Jim, you should have a look at the date he was reported missing."

 

Joel's expression tells me I'm in for a shock. I check the date and nearly drop the file. "That was six months ago!"

 

"I'm afraid Stevens had him all that time," Joel's voice tingles with concern and sadness. "No wonder the kid doesn't trust us. I wouldn't either after spending six months in that rathole."

 

"You have no idea," I whisper shocked. "Joel, according to Doctor Tate Blair wasn't merely beaten, but raped as well." Maybe I shouldn't confide in Joel like this, but he'll be around Blair frequently and I want Joel to know what Blair's going through.

 

"Raped? Raped?!" Joel shakes his head. "Damn, I'd hoped... hoped he'd escaped that fate. Jim, I don't know what to say."

 

His shock's apparent and I sympathize. "He's going to need friends, Joel." My eyes continue to scan the file. "Any living relatives?"

 

"A mother, Naomi Sandburg, but we don't have an address on her. Simon reckons it'll take time to track her down and in the meantime..."

 

"In the meantime we're going to take care of Blair." I notice Joel's expression and put down the file. "Don't look at me like that. I don't know why I'm reacting like this either. I just feel this overwhelming need to make sure he's safe." Joel's next question takes me by surprise.

 

"Does it have something to do with your senses, Jim? I noticed the way you were... sniffing him when we found him and your gaze seemed glued to him when I was at the hospital. What's going on?"

 

Joel has always been observant and I can't deny the truth. "You're right," I admit and roll my neck to loosen the tense muscles. "You're the best partner I ever had, Joel and you help me control my senses, but when I'm close to Blair my senses... sing."

 

"Sing?" Joel gives me a questioning look.

 

"Yes, they're singing. I can't put it any other way. You know I never wanted them, even tried to get rid of them, but when he's close they feel right. I feel at peace, maybe even thankful for having them. I never felt like this before."

 

"I never figured out how to help you control your heightened senses, Jim," Joel admits. "I do my best, but..."

 

"You did great, Joel. When Simon and I sprang this on you, you could have bailed out, but you didn't." I smile, sip my coffee and know how depressing my life would have been without Simon and the rest of the gang to pull me through. I'd be in a straightjacket by now.

 

"But you feel different around Blair?"

 

"It feels like... like coming home after a trip that never seemed to end."

 

"Jim, is that why you insisted to look after him at the loft? We could have easily arranged a safe house for him to stay in."

 

"Yeah." I look at Blair again, relieved that he's sleeping through our conversation. "This might be the only chance I'll ever get."

 

"Chance? Jim?"

 

"I want to gain his trust." Carefully, I select my next words. "I don't want him to disappear from my life again."

 

"Jim, are you..." Joel licks his lips. "Are you in love with him? It sure sounds like it."

 

"In love?" I massage my temples, trying to find some relief from the building headache which started a few minutes ago. My friends know I'm bisexual. I never hid my sexual preferences from them and I should have expected Joel to ask that question. "I don't know, Joel." I examine my feelings closely. "I don't feel sexually attracted to him." Not yet, I add privately. "It's more like finding the other half of your soul. He's hurt and I want to concentrate on helping him heal."

 

Ah, come on, you're lying; I chide myself. The attraction has been there since finding him in that wretched cell. It might not be sexual yet, but I can easily fall in love with him. Right now I'm fighting it because he's hurt and I don't want to take advantage of him.

 

"Jim, listen to yourself," Joel chuckles. "You already sound like a lovesick fool."

 

I chuckle as well and pour more coffee. It's time to address more practical matters. "I don't have any food here, except for some soup. Think you can pick something up for dinner?"

 

Joel checks the time. "How about Chinese?"

 

"I don't know what he likes." It's almost time for dinner and Blair needs to eat something. "Get some Won Ton Soup and clam chowder, just in case his stomach isn't up for more solid foods."

 

"Rafe's watching the loft right now and H's on for tonight. Do you think it's okay with the kid if I join you for dinner? I'm hungry myself." 

 

"He's got to get used to having people around anyways," I say thoughtfully. "Sure, join us for dinner."

 

Joel empties his mug and walks toward the doorway. I watch him leave and then return to the couch. Blair's breathing is deep and steady. No nightmares, nothing is disturbing his sleep, but I got the feeling it won't stay that way for long.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"N-no... no! G-get a...way f-from me!"

 

Blair's thrashing and I'm hurrying to his side. Sitting on my heels I wonder what to do. "Blair, it's okay, you're safe." But my words don't seem to reach him. His whimpering continues.

 

"P-please... no... more... n-no m-more..."

 

I try to rest my hand on his shoulder, to reassure him through touch, but he flinches away. Suddenly he's moving wildly and with a loud thud he falls off the couch. He hits the floor hard and I curse myself for not moving faster. I could have caught him!

 

But the fall woke him and his eyelids flutter open. "Hush, buddy, everything's okay. Just look at me. Look around. You're safe." I don't try to touch him again and keep my distance. I want to help him sit up, but he manages and rests his back against the couch. "That was one hell of a nightmare."

 

Blair's shaking so badly that I can barely make out if he's shaking or nodding his head. "Want me to help you back onto the couch?" Joel will return any moment now and I want Blair to be calm before Joel comes back up.

 

"S-ste... he w-was b-back..."

 

Blair's eyes are filling with unshed tears, which I desperately want to wipe away. "He can't hurt you any longer, Blair. He's in jail."

 

"B-but... his b-brother... isn't," Blair stutters, afraid.

 

"He won't get passed me, I promise, buddy." I take a deep breath and reach out slowly, letting Blair know I'm going to put my hand on his shoulder again. Fuck, I can guess what that nightmare was about. It surprises me he's doing this well considering the terror he's been subjected to. I have to find him a councilor who can help him deal with the sexual assaults.

 

I wrap my arms beneath his shoulders and lift him back onto the couch. "Do you want to talk about it?"

 

Blair shakes his head and hides behind his locks, something I've seen him do before. But he can't hide forever. "Was it about Stevens beating you up?" 

 

"I... c-can d-deal with that," Blair stutters.

 

His hair's obscuring his face and I push the stray locks back behind his ear. I cringe at seeing the bruises, but don't falter. "He raped you, didn't he?" Blair's heartbeat speeds up and the sound thunders in my ears. I can smell the outburst of fear on him as he tries to move away from me. I let him. I don't want him to feel restrained. "We should find you some help, Blair."

 

"No," Blair's tone is determined.

 

"You have to face what he did to you." But maybe it's too soon and I don't pressure him into talking. "I just want you to know that I'm here in case you need to talk to someone." Making the offer is all I can do right now. The rest is up to Blair.

 

"N-not now, m-man."

 

"You can have all the time you need." I tuck the blanket around his body and look at him closely. Through the locks I see tears. Maybe he needs a little privacy right now, but I can't turn away from him. I ache to close my arms around him and pull him close.

 

"Hey, Jim, open up!" Joel's voice echoes through the loft and I get to my feet to open the door.

 

"Joel's joining us for dinner," I inform Blair and clearly see the dread in his eyes. "You can trust him, Joel's a good friend." Blair doesn't react and I walk to the doorway to let Joel in.

 

"Is everything okay? I heard someone call out and..."

 

"Blair had a nightmare." I gesture Joel to sit down at the kitchen table. "Why don't you already put everything onto the table? I'll help Blair."

 

I walk back to Blair, sit on the couch next to him and try to lock eyes with him. "Blair, you must be hungry. It's been hours since you ate." And the little you ate you threw up minutes later. Listening closely, I hear his stomach grumble.

 

"C-can't eat," Blair whispers softly, still hiding behind his hair.

 

"I'll help you." Moving slowly once more, I reach out and cup his chin in the palm of my hand. "Look at me, buddy. You don't have to be scared anymore." Blair's eyes still avoid mine and I hope I'll somehow find a way through his defenses. "Come on, let's eat."

 

Blair doesn't object and rises slowly from the couch. He sways on his feet and I steady him. I realize he must trust me to some extent, otherwise he'd lever let me touch him like this. Maybe I'm already winning the battle?

 

"Hey, Joel, say hi to Blair." I try to break the ice between them and help Blair to sit down on one of the kitchen chairs, which are nowhere as comfortable as the couch, but I don't want to treat him like a cripple.

 

But Blair's silent again and stares at the table, ignoring Joel. "Let's eat." I exchange a look with Joel, letting him know not to worry. Blair needs time to get used to him. "What would you like to eat, Chief? Vegetable rice? Won Ton soup? Clam chowder?" I follow his eyes as they hesitantly scan the table. His gaze comes to rest on the Won Ton soup. "Here you go, buddy." I place the soup in front of Blair, grateful that Joel got out some bowls. I hate eating from the Styrofoam ones.

 

Blair's sad expression tells me how unhappy he is and I move closer, picking up a spoon. "Open up, Chief." Slowly, I raise the spoon and he swallows the warm soup. "How does it taste?"

 

"G-good." Blair sneaks a look at Joel while speaking the word.

 

"Blair, what did they do that you're scared to speak aloud?" The question left my lips unintended. Blair flinches.

 

Blair turns away and almost gets to his feet. He looks like he's ready to bolt. "Sorry, Chief," I apologize. "We just want to help." I look at Joel, hoping he knows what to say.

 

"That's true, Blair. We want to help," Joel assures Blair.

 

"B-beat m-me..."

 

Blair raises his hands and uses them to cover his face so we can't see his eyes. "Blair, it's okay. We don't think any less of you because he beat you."

 

"You're strong," Joel joins in. "He tried to break you and didn't succeed. That shows how strong you are, Blair. He had you for six months and you didn't break."

 

Blair's hands fall into his lap and his expression alerts me. "Blair, what?" Damn, I haven't told him yet how long he's been Stevens' prisoner. "I'm sorry, Chief. Rainier reported you missing six months ago and..."

 

Blair mouths 'six months', but no sound leaves his lips. "I'm sorry. I wish we'd busted the place sooner, but..." I feel like a complete failure and the anger rises again. I had Stevens at my mercy and only broke his nose!

 

"I...I..." Blair gets to his feet and wobbles back to the living room where he manages to collapse on to the couch. He stares at the wall, unable to comprehend the truth he just learned.

 

"Let's move this into the living room," I inform Joel and pick up my plate. I carry Blair's soup as well and put everything on the coffee table. Joel sits down opposite Blair. "Blair?" I need to get him talking again.

 

"S-six m-months?"

 

Blair's shaking. I don't know if it's because of anger or due to pain. I force myself to stay motionless. One more whimpering word and I will wrap my arms around him. "Please finish the soup. You need to eat."

 

Blair stares at me like I'm an alien from another planet, seems to look right through me and I shiver. His heart's still racing and I gently rest my hand on his knee, squeezing tenderly. It takes long moments for Blair to calm down, but eventually his head bows in defeat and soft sobs echo through the room.

 

"It's okay to let go," Joel says unexpectedly. "Holding it all inside doesn't work, believe me. I'm keeping my fears inside and they... they need to get out, son."

 

Amazed, I watch as Blair raises his eyes and locks with Joel's. Blair's definitely opening up, listening to Joel. Yes, that's it!

 

"Blair, I don't have a son, but... I like you. I don't know why but right now I just want to hold you," Joel says, awkwardly. "But I know you don't want to be touched and I respect that. Maybe one day..." Joel stares at Blair's hand that's reaching out for him. "Thanks," Joel whispers as he gently holds the bandaged hand in his.

 

What is it about Blair that touches us so deeply? I thought he only had that effect on me, but I'm not that sure any longer. Joel has developed a soft spot for him as well. Smiling, I move a little closer to Blair until our bodies are touching. He releases Joel's hand and collapses against me. "Joel's right, Blair. You're strong." Acting on instinct I rock him slightly. Have I ever felt this deeply about anyone before? I know I never felt like this when I was holding Caroline.

 

"S-soup?" Blair whispers hoarsely.

 

I take hold of the soup bowl and help him eat the rest of the Won Ton Soup. Blair needs a few minutes to finish the soup. He probably never realized just how hungry he is.

 

"T'anks f'r coming 'ver..." Blair stutters. Exhaustion makes his speech slurred.

 

"Enough excitement for one day, Chief. Let's put you to bed." Blair nods against my chest and I slip my arms beneath his knees and back, lifting him like a babe. "I'll be back in a few seconds, Joel."

 

I carry Blair to the improvised bedroom and I like what Simon has done with the room. He moved all the boxes to the basement and put in a desk, a chair and a comfortable bed, which probably once belonged to Daryl before the kid talked his dad into getting him some new stuff.

 

Lowering Blair down onto the bed, I smile, realizing Simon already pulled down the covers. I cover Blair with the warm comforter and add another blanket, just to make sure he's warm. Having that nightmare and talking to Joel exhausted him. I sit on the edge of his bed and allow myself the luxury of fingering a strand of his hair. It's even softer than I thought!

 

After making sure that Blair's comfortably asleep I tiptoe back to the living room. My senses are monitoring him and will alert me at the first sign of recurring nightmares. Yes, he's safe here. He's got me to watch over him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

I'm running, trying desperately to get away from Stevens, but his cruel hands pull me back into the cell, bruising my skin in the process. No, I can't live through this again! I don't want to feel him push me down. I don't want to feel his weight hold me down. Get off of me!

 

A keening wail leaves my lips and slams me back into reality. Opening my eyes I don't recognize my surroundings. Someone left the lamp on the nightstand on and I feel a bit less disorientated, but... where am I? This isn't my cell!

 

"Blair!"

 

A man, only clad in boxers, suddenly appears in the doorway and I release another scream, hoping it will scare him off.

 

"Blair, it's me, Jim. Come on, buddy, you remember me!"

 

Jim? The name sounds familiar and so does the voice. Jim... Jim Ellison, the cop who's guarding me, making sure I'm safe. Embarrassed, I lower my eyes. "S-sorry." I probably woke him and he'll be pissed at me.

 

"Blair, what happened?" Jim walks towards the bed and pulls up the chair, straddling it. "You're shaking."

 

"N-nightm-mare," I reveal reluctantly. I woke him so I figure he has a right to know why I was screaming.

 

"Blair, you need to talk about it."

 

Jim's hand finds mine and I shiver as his fingertips gently touch the bandages. I noticed before how touchy-feely Jim is, but never dared to comment on it. It surprises me that I can stand his touch after what Stevens did to me. "It w-was a p-power thing."

 

"Raping you?"

 

I chuckle; my emotions are out of control and I don't know how else to react to Jim's blunt comment. The man doesn't beat around the bush. "Yeah."

 

"You're right. Rape is a power thing. It's about control, not about sex."

 

"B-but it s-still hurts," I whisper in a tiny tone. It hurt badly. It was the worst pain I ever had to endure and I relive it in my nightmares. "F-felt helpless."

 

"I would have felt helpless too, Chief, if it had happened to me."

 

"W-would ne...ver have happened t-to you."

 

"How can you say that? Blair, Stevens is a psychopath. In the last few months we found twelve bodies. They were just kids and he killed them to find out what the maximum dose of his drugs was. You never stood a chance against him."

 

"Should have f-fought har...der." But then again, Stevens had gotten off on my pain so fighting harder would only have made things worse.

 

"You didn't do anything wrong," Jim says soothingly. "Blair..." Jim leaves his chair and sits down on the edge of my bed.

 

"Yes, J-jim?" Suddenly I feel nervous. Butterflies are ticking the insides of my stomach and I blush. What the hell is going on?

 

"Joel's not the only one who wants to hold you... May I? You only have to say the word and I'll let go."

 

Looking up, I'm surprised to see the uncertainty in his eyes. Yeah, I want to be held, want to be hugged, but I'm not sure I can deal with the touch, with having someone this close to me, even if it's Jim. "W-we can t-try..."

 

I hold my breath as Jim's arm slips behind my back, pulling me into an upright position. Moving of my own accord I rest my face against his chest. I can do this... I can do this... I can...

 

"Blair... I feel like I've known you my entire life..."

 

Jim's admission takes me aback and I peek at his eyes. They're closed and his body seems to breathe me in. There's no other way to describe the sensation. I relax in the embrace, wondering why we're reacting like this, but I'm too tired to try to find the answer. "W-would you s-stay?"

 

"What?" Jim opens confused eyes. "What did you say?"

 

"W-would you s-stay? S-stay close...? D-don't want t-to be 'lone..." I met this man only hours ago and yet I'm placing all my trust in him to keep me safe.

 

"If that's what you want. I'll just move a more comfortable chair in here." 

 

I don't want Jim to release me, but he does. Within minutes he's moved another chair into the small room and he stretches luxuriously, placing his feet on the other chair. Suddenly I feel bad for making him sleep like that. He's tall and will wake up with an aching back in the morning.

 

What I really want is for Jim to lie down beside me, but my fear's holding me back. I can't feel another body that close to mine yet. I want to apologize and tell him to go back to his own bed, but his expression tells me not to argue. This is what he wants. "T'anks," I mumble sleepily.

 

"You're welcome, buddy." Jim smiles, grabs the blanket he brought along from the living room and places it over his knees. "I'll be here when you wake up in the morning."

 

I close my eyes and panic, hearing another man's breathing close to me. My eyes flash open again and lock with Jim's. I can tell he knows I panicked.

 

"I can put on some soft music," Jim suggests and switches on the radio on the desk. He tunes into an oldie station. "How about this?"

 

"F-fine..." Although I don't want to fall asleep, my body has different ideas and shuts down now that I feel safe. "N-night..." Dozing off I hear Jim's reply.

 

"I wish you sweet dreams, Chief..."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim

 

What? I startle awake due to an unexpected noise and my hands move toward my gun, only now realizing the mistake I made by not taking it downstairs with me. My first glance is for Blair, but I find the bed empty. I'm not someone who easily panics, but now a chilling unease penetrates my bones. "Blair? Where are you?"

 

Using my senses I hear his labored breathing. It's coming from the living room and I jump to my feet. Within mere seconds I cover the distance from my storage room to the living room and almost freeze in my tracks finding Blair huddled on the floor. "What's going on, buddy?"

 

I switch on the lamp so he can recognize his surroundings. I left on the nightlight in the storage room, but it's dark out here. "Blair?" I sit on my heels next to him, careful not to touch Blair yet. He needs to get his bearings first. A blanket's wrapped around his shivering form and the long locks hide his face. "Blair, can I touch you?"

 

His breathing quickens, begins to race and he's almost hyperventilating. "It's okay, Blair. I won't touch you. Just try to calm down." I grab the afghan from the couch and fold the material around his shoulders. I don't know if he feels cold, but I'm not taking any chances. Maybe the added fabric will make him feel safe now that it presents a barrier between us. "What's going on, buddy? Please talk to me." I cock my head, trying to catch his gaze.

 

"D-dream..."

 

"You had a bad dream?" I whisper sympathetically. "It's only normal to have nightmares after everything you've been through, but they are only dreams. Stevens can't hurt you anymore."

 

"B-brother?"

 

"We'll catch him as well, I promise." I move a little closer, relieved that he isn't flinching away when I slowly rest my hand on his shoulder. I can barely feel his body through the thick layer of fabric. "Can I take you back to your bed? You'll be way more comfortable there."

 

Blair nods his head and I catch the tiny sobs that shake his frame. He's trying hard to regain control over his emotions. "It's going to be aright, buddy. Just give it time." Blair tries to get to his feet, but exhausted as he is, his body refuses to co-operate. I steady him and together we return to his temporary bedroom.

 

"Here." I help him sit down, lift his feet and cover his body with a layer of blankets. "Better?" I finally get a good look at his face and see the red-rimmed eyes. Blair's been crying. Stroking his hair, I try to uphold a reassuring murmur. "Everything's fine now, Blair. You're safe, safe."

 

Blair finally calms down and his eyes close. Hopefully he won't have any more nightmares tonight. "Get some sleep, Blair. Don't be afraid. I'm here to watch over you."

 

His breathing tells me that he's fallen asleep again. I continue to caress the silken locks and wonder how he managed to get passed me. Usually the tiniest sound wakes me up, but Blair was already in the living room when my senses kicked in. Do I feel that relaxed around him? Does my subconscious trust him unconditionally? Why? Why Blair?

 

Leaning back in my chair I wonder if I'll ever get the answers to those questions. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

 

My cell phone rings in the middle of the night and I quickly hurry downstairs to answer it. One look at Blair tells me that the annoying sound didn't wake him and that he's still sound asleep. Good. I don't want him to wake again, not after suffering from those nightmares all night long. Irritated, I bark my name into the phone, wondering who has the audacity to call me at 4 in the morning. It'd better be important.

 

"Jim? It's Simon."

 

The sleep vanishes from my mind and I'm on full alert. Simon would only call me at this hour when it's important. "I'm listening."

 

"We located Jeff Stevens, the twin we've been looking for. I still can't believe we didn't figure it out sooner! Jim, can you come to the station? We might need your senses. He's hiding at the warehouse district and you guiding us would make things a lot easier."

 

"You're asking me to leave Blair alone for the night?" I don't like this at all. Blair isn't ready yet to be alone with his nightmares.

 

"H can keep him company. Rafe will be watching the loft and H can keep a close eye on Blair. I'd prefer to have Joel watch Blair, but we need him on the scene."

 

I need to think this over. I feel torn. My sense of duty tells me that I should help Simon, that I can't turn my back on him, but my heart's breaking, realizing Blair will be alone most of the night. What if the nightmares return? Blair barely knows H and won't trust him. "Shit, Simon, I don't have a choice. I'll leave the moment H arrives."

 

"Thanks, Jim. I really appreciate it. Look at it this way, taking Jeff Stevens off the streets makes Cascade a safer place for Blair. He won't have to live in fear any longer."

 

Simon's words are true, but it surprises me that he's thinking about how worried Blair is while Jeff Stevens on the streets. I didn't know that Simon cared about Blair. I smile, look over my shoulder and stare at the motionless form hidden beneath a ton of blankets. First he found a way into my heart, Joel's came next and now Simon's admitting to a soft spot for Blair as well.

 

"I hear H knocking right now. Simon, I'll be with you in fifteen." I terminate the connection and walk toward the doorway to let H in.

 

H smiles brightly, trying to hide his nervousness. He knows I'll hold him responsible should something happen to Blair during his supervision. "He's asleep," I say and close the door behind him. "Gimme a minute to get dressed and then I'm gone." I head upstairs to put on some clothes, adjust the holster and make sure my gun is loaded.

 

"Keep a close eye on him, H. Blair's been having nightmares all night long." I slip into my coat and feel a last twinge of doubt. Maybe I shouldn't leave Blair like this. Briefly I'm tempted to wake Blair to tell him I'll be back shortly, but he's finally peacefully asleep and I don't want to startle him again. Maybe he'll sleep right through it. Yeah, whom am I kidding? He'll scare the shit out of H should he have another nightmare tonight. "H, call me if Blair wakes up and he's scared. He might need to hear a familiar voice."

 

"I understand, man." H smiles weakly. "I'll take good care of him."

 

He'd better take good care of Blair or H will suffer the consequences! As I march out into the corridor I take a deep breath, already feeling bereft of Blair's presence. His scent still lingers in my nostrils, but it's losing strength. Stunned, I realize I want to go back in there and sit beside him, just watch him sleep. Damn, I've got it bad!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Simon, what's the latest information?" Wearing a headset, I look over at Simon, who will hopefully fill me in.

 

"Jeff Stevens is somewhere in that warehouse." Simon points at the building to the right. "We just don't know his exact location. That's why I want you to tell us where he is. Stevens was sighted with an Uzi before disappearing inside the building. I don't want my men to die because of that son of a bitch. I want them both behind bars!" Simon says passionately.

 

"I want him in jail too, Simon. Blair's scared Jeff Stevens will try to kill him again." I remove the headset; it will only hamper me once I use my senses to locate Stevens.

 

"By the way, Jim, how's the kid doing?" True concern shows in Simon's expression.

 

"Having nightmares, but he's talking again. He never realized we were cops, but once he did, the realization hit him that he had been rescued and free again. I think he thought of me as Stevens' buddy who wanted him as my sex slave. Showing my badge worked miracles."

 

"I'm glad to hear he's doing better... And the nightmares will grow less in time. We've all had our share of those."

 

"Very true." I still have nightmares about losing my team in Peru, but now is not the time to think about them. I need to locate Stevens. Using my senses, I concentrate on the sounds coming from the warehouse. I just hope I won't lose control and have another spell. Thankfully Simon's close and he can pull me back. "One heartbeat..."

 

"Stevens?"

 

"Yeah, Simon. It's human all right." I cock my head, trying to pinpoint the exact location. "Top floor."

 

"Yes, that's all I needed to know!" Simon contacts his men and let's them know it's time to move in.

 

"I want to go in as well, Simon." It's become personal. This bastard tried to suffocate Blair in the hospital.

 

"Jim, Joel's leading the other team and... what if you have another spell?" Simon sounds worried. 

 

"Lemme do this, Simon. I can alert the others when Stevens makes a run for it." I know Simon will give in; he wants Stevens badly.

 

"Just be careful out there, Jim. We can't afford to lose you."

 

I nod my head and adjust my bulletproof vest, making sure it's tightly in place. Cocking my gun, I join the assault team and catch sight of Joel, leading the team that will go in through the back door. I don't need the headset to hear Simon's order to move in.

 

Within seconds pandemonium unfolds. The first team moves inside, climbs the stairs and secures the first floor. I can hear Joel's team moving in next. He sends some of his men up the emergency exit, making sure everything is covered. I move together with the first team. Stevens' heartbeat echoes in my ears. He's moving, but still hiding on the top floor.

 

Getting into position seems to last hours, but finally we reach the correct location and take up position. Sharpening my heightened sense of sight, I try to get a clear view of Stevens. He's outnumbered and surrounded; no way is he getting away. The worst case scenario is that he'll try to shoot his way out and take some of us with him.

 

"Stevens, raise your hands and surrender," Joel calls out.

 

"Never!"

 

Stevens sounds determined and I've got the gut feeling that we won't get him alive. He'll try to do as much damage as possible. Looking at his face I find that he's resolved not to be taken alive. His heart's racing and I can almost smell the adrenalin his body's radiating.

 

Joel gives the first team the sign to move in and I hold my breath, seeing Stevens aim at them. The first shots ring through the abandoned warehouse and someone screams, being shot in the leg. What if Stevens gets lucky and manages to shoot someone in the head? I can't let that happen!

 

Raising my gun, I aim it at Stevens' head. He's still firing and another officer goes down. I got a clear shot at him and fire my gun. I don't shy away from watching my bullet impact and my senses show me everything in grueling detail. A spray of blood shoots from Stevens' head and a stunned expression flashes across his face before he crumbles.

 

Joel's team moves in, form a circle around Stevens' body and he kicks away the Uzi, just in case the bastard manages to curl his finger one more time.

 

Dazed, I turn around and descend the stairs. I need some fresh air to clear my head. I just killed a man. I did it because he was dangerous and would have taken someone down with him, but I also feel a gut wrenching satisfaction for extracting some measure of revenge for what he did to Blair.

 

"Jim, are you okay?" Simon asks, concerned.

 

"I will be..." Taking some deep breaths, I try to calm down my senses, which are suddenly going berserk. This happened before. They act 'normally' in the heat of the battle, but then desert me.

 

"You can do this, Jim," Simon says encouragingly. "You did what you had to do and it was the right thing. Stevens would have gotten some of us killed."

 

"But, Simon... Killing him felt good." Hearing my words shocks me. "I never wanted to take someone's life before, but..."

 

"You're only human, Jim, and Stevens presented a serious threat. IA will see it the same way." 

 

Oh yeah, Internal Affairs will want to question me. Great.

 

"Why don't you give H a call to ask if Blair's all right?" Simon hands me his cell phone, but I'm already reaching for mine when it starts to ring.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

Oh, not again! Waking up, my body is drenched in cold sweat. My eyes flash open and search the chair, hoping to find Jim sitting there. Empty! The damned chair's empty! Jim, where's Jim? I need him close, need to hear his voice, telling me I'm not alone and safe.

 

A pain filled moan leaves my lips, realizing that I am alone in my temporary bedroom. Thankfully Jim left the nightlight on. I couldn't bear waking up to the complete dark after one of those nightmares!

 

"Blair? Is everything all right in there?"

 

The unknown voice startles me and I begin to panic. I'm on the verge of hyperventilation and don't know if I can stop the full blown panic attack that's rolling over me. A dark skinned man appears in the doorway and I push back in my bed, leaning my back against the wall. I don't want him to come any closer!

 

"Blair? I guess you don't remember me. You were drugged when we found you. I'm Henri, H, one of Jim's colleagues."

 

No, I'm not listening! Jim's voice is the only one I want to hear and facing this stranger frightens me. I don't know why Jim's gone, why he left me alone, but I'll fight myself a way out. This time I won't give in that easily and fight them until my last breath.

 

"Blair, calm down, man..." H's voice tries to mirror Jim's calming quality, but it doesn't work. 

 

I'm outta here! I push back the covers, get to my feet and dash passed him. I didn't even know I could stay on my feet, let alone move this fast! H stands paralyzed and I take the chance I'm offered. Running passed him, I dash into the living room and head for the front door, hoping it isn't locked. I'm lucky and the door swings open. Running as fast as I can I almost tumble down the stairs, throw the front door open and run onto the street, away from the dark skinned man.

 

I can't allow myself to be caught again. The pain Stevens inflicted on me left an everlasting impression and I can only think about getting away from this stranger who showed up at the loft.

 

"Hey, man, can't you look where you're going?"

 

Startled, I come to a halt as rough hands push me away. "S-sorry," I mumble, disoriented. Man, I'm on the street all right. People are walking towards me, pushing me aside and I quickly head for an ally, where I can hide. Damn, what did I do? I'm an easy target. Stevens surely has his men on the look out for me and I stand out, wearing only sweats and socks, while most people are wearing coats and heavy boots.

 

Huh? When did it start to snow? Cocking my head, I closely monitor the snowflake that twirls through the air and settles on my shoulder. Yeah, it's snowing all right. Shit, I'm cold. My feet are freezing!

 

I try to steady my too fast breathing. I need a plan, knowing I need to find a place to hide from Stevens. Jim, man, where are you? I need you!

 

Why don't I head back to my own place? It's across town and it will take me hours to get there, but at least I'll have a place to stay. I don't have the keys to my apartment, but I'm sure Mss Jones will let me in. The eighty year old lady lives down the corridor and I gave her a spare key, just in case I'd displace mine.

 

I feel better now I've got a plan. Staying close to the walls I walk down the street, hoping I'm not lost yet. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Jim

 

Answering my cell phone, my eyes catch Simon's. I hope that he'll let me go home now that Stevens is no longer a danger. Something tells me that Blair needs me and I don't want to stay here a second longer.

 

"Jim, man? I didn't know what happened, but..."

 

"Henri, slow down." I force myself to remain calm, hearing H's nervous tone. "Just tell me that Blair's all right."

 

"Jim, I don't know what hit me..."

 

"Brown, you're repeating yourself. Start making sense, now!" I'm growing impatient, instinctively knowing that something is wrong with Blair.

 

"Blair's gone," H blurts out. "He had a nightmare and when I tried to calm him down he ran."

 

"What?" No, this can't be happening. "Do you know what can happen to him out there? Damn it, Brown, he's..."

 

"Ellison, shut up," Simon says, taking charge. "If you want to help Blair you've got to be calm and focused. You're not doing him any good losing control."

 

Shit, Simon's right and he knows it. "Brown, do you know what direction he ran in?"

 

"He was gone when I got downstairs. Man, I never thought he could run like that! He looked wobbly and..."

 

I cut him short, unable to listen any longer. "I'm on my way home. Stay there. We'll find him." I end the conversation and stare into Simon's eyes. They are warm with concern, but focused as well. I'm going to need him to see me through this. My worst nightmare is coming true.

 

"What are you waiting for? Get into the car!" Simon marches towards his car and I sit down on the passenger seat. "Jim, think. Where can the kid go?"

 

"I have no idea," I stutter discouraged. "Simon, he probably isn't thinking straight. The pain pills mess him up and he loses focus quickly. Dear God, we need to find him before something happens to him." I'm thankful Jeff Stevens can no longer harm him, but there are other criminals around who'll pry on an innocent victim. Just don't let him fall into the hands of a gang or a pimp!

 

"Jim, stopping banging your hand into the dashboard."

 

Fuck, I didn't even realize I was doing that. "Sorry, just a little tense." Wow, understatement of the year. Tense? I'm freaking losing it! "Simon, why the hell am I reacting like this? I only met Blair a few days ago and here I am, turning myself inside out because he's missing!" Simon smiles and that infuriates me. "Simon, damn it, I'm serious here!"

 

"Jim, can it be that you're in love with the kid? I've seen you act like this before."

 

I can't believe he said that! "Don't start, Simon." It's bad enough Joel mentioned it. Apparently it's obvious to them that I have feelings for Blair, but... "He's still healing, Simon. I can't feel like this about a protected witness and you know it."

 

"Once we got Stevens convicted Blair's no longer a protected witness. I doubt we even need his testimony in court. We found tons of incriminating evidence against him and several of his men testified against him to get their own sentences reduced."

 

"That's good news. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure Blair would handle facing Stevens in the courtroom."

 

"As it looks now, we've got enough evidence to put Stevens away for the rest of his life." Simon comes to a stop in front of a red light. "I still don't know where we're headed."

 

Yes, where will we find Blair? Shit, I can't believe my hands are shaking just thinking about the possibility of Blair running into some criminals. "We've got find him." I want him back at the loft, safely tucked away beneath the covers.

 

"There was an address in his file..." Simon reaches for his cell phone and contacts the station. "Yeah, I've got it," he says, and thanks the officer for giving him Blair's home address. "The landlord cleaned out his place three months ago and it's now rented to a young couple."

 

"This will hit him hard, Simon." I cringe, imaging the look on Blair's face when he finds out his stuff has been moved out and new people took up residence there. His fragile hold will fade fast and we'll have to be there to catch him. "He feels lost already and now his home's gone as well. By the way, did you already locate his mother?"

 

"No luck so far, Jim. The lady's doing an awful lot of traveling. The moment we think we found her, she's moved on to the next country." Simon turns left and speeds up, using his siren to cut through the busy traffic. "Another five minutes, Jim."

 

"Just hurry up. I've got a bad feeling about this."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

Things changed big time. Entering the house where I'm renting a small apartment I notice the changes at once. Kids are playing behind the first door and I wonder when old Mister Latimer got kids, but no, they've got to be his grand children.

 

Climbing the stairs, my eyes travel down the corridor. My apartment is at the end of the corridor and I shuffle closer. My feet are numb and I place my hands against the wall to support me.

 

The closer I get to my apartment the more my panic begins to build. When did I paint my front door brown? Didn't it used to be dark green? And what's up with the new name tag near the bell? Shouldn't it read Blair Sandburg? So why does it read Lita and Mark Page?

 

Oh no, the landlord must have evicted me during my absence. Guess that happens when you don't pay rent for six months. Six months... still can't believe I was in that rathole for six months.

 

And now what? What do I do? Where do I go? Where's my stuff? Did he sell it to make up for the lost rent? No, please. I can't lose my things, my research and Burton's monograph. I don't care about losing my furniture, clothes or CD's, but I need my study books. I've been researching Burton's monograph and it's my life work. I can't lose it!

 

From behind closed doors, laughter erupts and I realize it's coming from my old apartment. What the hell am I doing here? I no longer live here! But my stuff! I need to find the landlord and talk to him, find out if he stored or sold my personal belongings. He lives across the street and I make my way back downstairs.

 

A terrible cold wind penetrates the sweats I'm wearing and I pinch my lips shut. I can't give up now. The Sentinel research is too valuable!

 

Clumsily, I manage to open the front door and I step back onto a crowded street. Immediately, I cross the street, counting down the numbers. My landlord lives at number twelve and I'm now at number two hundred and one. My teeth are chattering due to the cold and I wonder if I'll ever feel warm again.

 

"Blair? Blair!"

 

No! I don't know who's calling my name, but I'm not taking any chances. I start running, at least I make an effort, but my frozen feet seem glued to the pavement.

 

"Blair! Wait for me!"

 

Do I know that voice? Does it sound familiar? No, don't turn around; keep moving! I collapse against a wall, trying to ignore the looks of disdain that bystanders are throwing at me. They're looking at me like I'm a drug addict, trying to score some heroine. Or do they think I'm crazy? Or a male prostitute maybe?

 

"Blair, stop running. What are you doing here? You should be at the loft!" 

 

I look up into soft eyes, but I don't recognize the face they belong to. Who is this man?

 

"Name's Rafe. I'm H's partner. You scared the hell out of him when you took off like that. It was a good thing I was watching the loft and followed you."

 

Rafe? I don't know that name; don't trust him. Scanning my surroundings, I'm looking for an escape route, but he's blocking my path and I'm pretty much stuck. "L-lemme g-go?"

 

"No, Blair. I'm going to call Jim and tell him I found you and then we're heading back to the loft. Do you have any idea how riled up Ellison is? I thought he was going to eat H alive when he heard you were missing."

 

This man knows Jim? "Are you a c-cop too?"

 

"Yeah, I am. Hold on, let me get my badge."

 

He hands it to me and I study it carefully. It looks real. I tense up as he moves his hand back into his pocket.

 

"I'm only getting my cell phone, see?"

 

I feel embarrassed for reacting like that, seeing he was speaking the truth. He's dialing a number and I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. Jim's voice better be on the other side of that connection or I'm gone. Yeah, I chuckle mirthlessly, like I can run! Whom am I trying to kid here? I'm exhausted!

 

"Jim? Relax, man," Rafe says, obviously trying to calm Jim down.

 

I can hear Jim's angry voice from over here. Damn, I'm in big trouble.

 

"Before you start yelling at me, Jim, let me tell you that I found Blair. Yes, he's standing next to me. Want me to put him on?" Rafe nods his head and hands me the phone. "Talk to the man. Tell him you're fine."

 

Jim is this riled up about me? Why? I'm only a witness, an unwanted roommate at best. "J-jim?"

 

"Blair! What the hell did you think you were doing splitting on Brown like that?"

 

I move the phone away from my ear to escape Jim's yelling. I really had no idea he'd be this upset, but then again, I haven't been thinking straight lately. "B-bad dream, man... got spooked."

 

"Ah, Blair... just stay where you are and don't leave Rafe's side. Simon and I will be there in five." 

 

Simon's with him? Probably needs to keep Jim under control. Simon's surely not riding along because he's concerned about me... but Jim is and that gives me a fuzzy feeling. "I'll be there," I promise.

 

I hand the phone back to Rafe who gives Jim our exact location. Once he terminated the conversation, Rafe looks at me again.

 

"You used to live here, didn't you?"

 

His question takes me aback. "How did you k-know?"

 

"I read your background information, just in case you'd pull something like this."

 

His answer causes me to blush. I feel even more embarrassed now. "I didn't realize I no longer l-live here. I always p-paid my rent, but after s-six months my landlord m-must have been fed up." Geez, this is the longest sentence I managed so far.

 

"I'm sorry, Blair. This has to be hard on you," Rafe says sincerely.

 

"My s-stuff... do you think he s-still has it? I need my research material." I wish Jim were already here. Although I know Rafe is Jim's friend I don't trust him yet.

 

Rafe looks thoughtfully. "Why don't you let me follow up on that while Jim takes you back home? I'll make sure your things are delivered at the loft."

 

Lowering my eyes, I stare at the pavement. "Thanks." I didn't expect that offer.

 

A brown Sedan parks just across the street and I don't know how to react when I see Jim and Simon leave the car. I thought I would be happy to see Jim, but I'm flinching, reading anger in his eyes.

 

"Blair!"

 

Jim's voice is oddly emotional and I hope he won't be mad with me for leaving like that. "I p-panicked! S-sorry!"

 

"Blair, do you have any idea what you put me through?" Jim shoots Rafe a grateful look.

 

"Jim, I'm s-sorry." Suddenly Jim's arms are around me and he's holding me close. Huh? What's this about? "Am I'm really sorry, Jim." Part of me wants to pull away from the embrace as I feel restrained, but another part wants to press harder against him, moving into his body and becoming a part of Jim. 

 

"Don't ever do that again, Blair!"

 

Jim looks up at me and I wonder if I'm really seeing unshed tears in his eyes. "Sorry..." is all I can offer. "Wasn't thinking, just acting."

 

Rafe moves closer. "I'm going to talk to his landlord and find out what happened to his personal belongings."

 

Jims nods his head. "You can bring it to the loft. I've got enough space to store it."

 

Rafe moves away from us and Jim releases me. I moan softly, already mourning the loss of his closeness. "Jim?"

 

"Damn it, Chief, you're freezing!" Jim's eyes are filled with shock and concern. "Your feet are popsicles. Let's go back to the loft."

 

I allow Jim and Simon to guide me to the car and I sink gratefully onto the backseat. This time Jim sits down beside me and sneaks one arm around my shoulder. Thankful that he's offering me his body warmth I lean in closer and rest my head on his shoulder. "Thanks for coming to get me."

 

"Just don't ever run away like that again!"

 

Jim's voice definitely carries a warning, which I should heed, but I'm too cold and too drained to wonder why he's this upset. Lured into sleep by the warm body next to me, I close my eyes and surrender to exhaustion.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim

 

"Lie down, Chief, and try to rest." I help Blair lie down on the couch and after covering him with a blanket I sit down on the foot end. H's still here, feeling guilty like hell. I know I should let him off the hook, but I'm still too mad that Blair managed to give him the slip. H's a seasoned detective for crying out loud!

 

"It wasn't his fault," Blair mumbles, unexpectedly. "I panicked."

 

He looks guiltily at H and I shake my head. "No, he should have known better than to let you out of his sight."

 

"Uhm, Jim? Do you still want me here?" Uncomfortably, H looks down at the floor.

 

"Jim? Please, don't be mad with him," Blair pleads.

 

How the hell can I deny Blair a thing? "It's alright, H, just be careful in future." We were damned lucky that Rafe was watching the loft or we might not have found Blair in time! That reminds me... "Blair, you don't have to worry about Stevens' twin brother any longer." Big, surprised eyes stare back at me. "There was a fire fight and he got shot." I refrain from telling him that I shot the bastard. Maybe I will tell him later.

 

"He's dead?" Stunned, Blair's eyes grow even bigger.

 

"Yeah, and his brother's behind bars. We've got enough evidence to put him away for life. He won't be bothering you again, Chief." Contently, I lean back into the comfort of the couch and pull Blair's feet into my lap. Absentmindedly, I began to massage them, trying to restore the blood circulation fully. They're icy cold and his toes feel frozen. "Next time don't forget to wear shoes, Blair."

 

"Next time?" Blair repeats, dazed.

 

I want to talk to Blair in private, but H's still hovering over the tea in the kitchen. He brings it over into the living room and places the mugs onto the coffee table. "It's okay, H, you can go. I'll look after Blair."

 

"Jim, I'm really sorry," H apologizes again.

 

"Let's forget about it." I can afford to be generous now that Blair's back. H leaves the loft and I turn my attention back to Blair, who's trembling beneath the blanket.

 

"Feels good," he purrs. "You've got magic hands, man."

 

"Thanks, Chief." I bury his feet beneath the blanket, lean forward and offer Blair some tea. He sips it slowly. I can see the question in his eyes and wonder what's bugging him. "What is it, Blair?"

 

"You said, 'next time'."

 

"Yeah?" I wait patiently, hoping this conversation will head in the right direction without me steering it. 

 

"If you've got all the evidence you need, there's no reason for me to stay here. Stevens is behind bars and his brother is dead. I should start looking for a place to live. Maybe I can stay in a hotel until I find a new apartment..."

 

Blair sounds worried and I understand his fears. "You know, you can stay here." There, I finally said it. I told Simon that I wasn't going to screw this up. I'll only get one chance to win his trust.

 

"Stay? Why? You don't need to guard me any longer with Stevens out of the picture."

 

"Blair, I... like having you around. I really want you to stay." I let him sip the tea again and then put the mug back onto the coffee table as my hand's shaking. I need to tell him now. "I like you."

 

"You like me? Jim...?" Blair's eyes mirror his feelings. He feels lost and doesn't know how to interpret my statement.

 

"Blair, I probably shouldn't be saying this... but I like you a lot." Holding my breath, I await his reaction. He has every right in the world to be mad at me. It certainly looks like I'm taking advantage of his vulnerability.

 

"You like me a lot?" Blair repeats, stupefied.

 

Suddenly, his eyes almost pop out of their sockets and he's crawling away from me. I plainly see the panic in his eyes and smell the fear that pours from his pores. Damn it, I knew he'd take this the wrong way!

 

"D-don't you t-touch m-me!" Suddenly, the stutter is back.

 

"Blair, don't! It's not like that!" I leave the couch and start pacing the living room. I should have known he'd over reacted after all the terrifying things he's been through. "I'm not going to touch you against your will!" The words come out in a sharper tone than I intended.

 

Blair has pulled his knees up to his chest and his arms are tightly wrapped around them. The blanket has slipped off and he's shivering, growing cold and miserable. I return to the couch and pick up the blanket. My heart misses a beat as he flinches away from my touch, as I cover him with the blanket. I should be pissed off that he thinks I'll rape him like Stevens did, but I know where he's coming from and manage to keep my calm.

 

"I w-want t-t-to l-leave."

 

Damn, the stutter is growing worse. "Blair," I start and sit on my heels in front of him. I ache to take him in my arms, but can't risk contact now. He might run off again. "Blair, I'm offering you a place to stay. I won't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. I just want you to heal and I hate the idea of you staying in a hotel. I want to be there when you wake up from a nightmare and need comfort. I want to be the one offering you that comfort. I want to be your friend, your best friend. Yes, I have feelings for you, but that doesn't mean I'm going to act on them when you're not interested." I can't remember the last time I gave such a long speech, but hopefully Blair understands what I'm trying to say. "I want to be there for you."

 

Blair's quiet for some moments, locks eyes with me and then looks away again. He's obviously struggling, trying to determine whether he can trust me or not. I can't help him reach this decision. That's something he has to do on his own.

 

"D-do you mean it?"

 

Thank God, the stutter is fading again. "Yeah, I mean it. We'll unpack your things after Rafe spoke with your landlord. You can have your own room. I just need to move some things to the basement to create more space. What do you say, Chief? Wanna be roommates?"

 

Blair still hesitates and I give him the time he needs to think everything over.

 

"Why me? Why do you like me?" Blair asks in a tiny tone.

 

"I don't know why, Chief. I didn't realize I was falling in love with you at first. Maybe I didn't want to acknowledge it. I only know that the feeling is growing stronger."

 

Blair lowers his eyes. "I feel connected to you," he admits.

 

"I feel connected to you too, Blair. It started the first time I laid eyes on you." Slowly, I raise my right hand and offer it to him. Will he take it? "Friends?"

 

Blair licks his lips, nervously, and then uncovers his bandaged right hand. Awkwardly, he puts it in mine. "Friends."

 

I smile contently. "And now I'm gonna fix us dinner." After eating dinner I'll make sure Blair takes his medication. "And then it's off to bed for you. Tate would kick my ass if he ever found out you're moving about this much."

 

"Can I help?" Blair offers as I move into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

 

"Sit at the kitchen table, Chief." He moves slowly, but makes it over to the kitchen table.

 

"Now what?"

 

"Just sit there." I chuckle, seeing the annoyed expression on his face. "Chief, you can't do a thing while your hands are bandaged," I remind him. Sulking, he shakes his head.

 

"There must be something I can do..."

 

"Just sit there and relax." Getting out pots and pans I decide to cook Italian tonight. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Jim? Dinner was great."

 

Blair needed my help to eat the paste, but emptied his plate. I guess he never realized just how hungry he really was. Blair looks relaxed now that he's settled onto the couch, warm beneath a blanket. "Want to watch some TV?"

 

"What's on?" Blair yawns sleepily.

 

That reminds me that I need to get his meds. "Hey, before you go to sleep you need to take the antibiotics." And one pain pill. His ribs must be hurting, but Blair's probably ignoring it or biting it down. When I get back with the meds and some orange juice, he's almost asleep again. "Hey, sleepyhead, wake up."

 

His eyes open again and lock with mine. "Open up, buddy." I place the pills on his tongue and the glass at his lips. He swallows them, looking ill at ease, probably because his bandaged hands render him pretty much helpless. "Do you want to watch some more TV or do you want to go to bed?"

 

"More TV."

 

I can see the wheels turning in his head. I bet he's afraid to go to sleep, afraid to suffer another nightmare. Should I push the matter or let it rest for now? Well, watching a little TV can't do any harm. We settle for a rerun of Starsky and Hutch and I continue to watch him as the show continues. His eyes close little by little, then flash open again. Moments later, they drift shut again. This is it. I've got to do something. He can't be comfortable sleeping on the couch.

 

"Hey, buddy, it's time to turn in."

 

Blair's eyes flutter open. "What?" Startled, he scans his surroundings, looking for danger.

 

"You fell asleep in front of the TV, Blair. You would be way more comfortable in bed." Briefly, his eyes crack and reveal his terror. "What is it, Blair? What will make it okay to go to sleep?"

 

"You b-being n-near..." he stutters, obviously embarrassed.

 

"I can sleep in the chair again," I offer, though my back's still hurting from last night.

 

"No, w-wouldn't be f-fair to you."

 

Damn, he always stutters when he feels insecure! "Blair, I don't know how you'll react but... there's a big bed upstairs. You can pick your side and we won't be touching, I promise." I want to have him close, feel his body warmth and smell his scent in my bed, but it's his decision. "Please trust me?" But can Blair trust again? Does he want to?

 

"No touching?" Blair sounds doubtful. "Man, I want you close, but... but I'm not sure I can deal... deal with...feeling... someone close," Blair finishes, obviously searching for the right words. "What if I freak out on you again?"

 

"You need time, Blair. And it's okay to freak out after everything you've been through. Don't worry about that." I switch off the TV, get to my feet and offer him my hand in a symbolic gesture meant to test his trust in me.

 

Slowly, Blair's right hand struggles free from the blanket and he awkwardly puts his hand in mine. The bandages are making things difficult and I hope holding hands isn't adding to his pain. I guess I've got my answer now. I wait until he's on his feet and then lead him towards the bathroom.

 

"I think I can do this..." Blair clumsily fumbles with his sweat pants and it's obvious he wants to do this alone.

 

"Call if you need help"

 

"Thanks..."

 

I close the bathroom door behind me and check the locks. Everything is secured and I head back for the bathroom. "Are you doing okay in there, Chief?" A few seconds later, the door opens and Blair stumbles into the living room. His sweatpants are back in place and there's a proud glow in his eyes. "Let's go upstairs." Now Blair hesitates and I don't pressure him.

 

"Okay, let's do this," he whispers after a long, silent moment and moves towards the stairs.

 

I help him climb them and hear his surprised 'Uh' as he sees the loft bedroom. "What side do you want?"

 

"The one closest to the wall?"

 

Makes sense. That way I'm between him and the stairs. An attacker would have to get passed me to get to him. I slip out of my jeans and shirt and put a clean T-shirt on. I also leave the boxers in place. When I turn around again, Blair's already in bed, almost completely hidden from sight beneath the comforter. I lie down beside him and wonder if I should say something. "Are you comfortable, Blair?"

 

"Yeah..." He turns onto his left side, facing me.

 

"Then go to sleep, Blair." I'm glad that I asked Simon for some days off. I want to properly take care of Blair. Dear God, I just hope he'll have a peaceful night. I don't want him to live through another nightmare, but I'm realistic to know they'll come.

 

"Thanks... Jim. For everything," Blair whispers, falling asleep again.

 

Once my senses tell me he's fast asleep, I touch my hand to his curls and finger one of them... pure silk. The touch is intense and I can't pull away from the sensation... I'm falling.... falling..."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

Uhm, something's messing with my hair. I want to roll onto my other side, but can't. There's another tug as I try to move and I reluctantly open my eyes. It's the first time since I was rescued that I slept peacefully and I want it to continue.

 

"Jim?" Startled, I look at Jim, who's lying beside me. It's his hold on my hair that's preventing me from rolling over. My heart misses a beat, seeing the dead expression in his eyes. It's like he's fallen asleep with his eyes open and another panic attack creeps on me.

 

What's going on with Jim? He's still breathing, but not moving. His fingers froze in my hair and he's staring at the strand between his fingers. "Jim? Answer me, man. Don't do this! Don't play head games with me!"

 

But what if something is wrong with him? Did he have some kind of seizure? Does he suffer from something and didn't tell me? I force myself to calm down. "Jim, talk to me, man. This isn't funny!" I'm almost yelling now, but I can't help it.

 

He's still unresponsive and my panic builds. "Come on, man, wake up!" I place my bandaged hands around his head and shake tenderly. I don't want to hurt him, but he's scaring me. "Jim!"

 

"What the hell?"

 

He's back. Thank God, Jim's back. Tears escape my eyes and drip from my face. "You scared me."

 

"Fuck, it happened again..."

 

For the first time since we met I hear fear in Jim's voice. "What happened again?" I want to pull back my hands, but Jim cradles them gently against his chest. Too worried to react to that gesture I let him.

 

"I had another spell." 

 

"Spell?" Privately I scream at him, 'Start making sense!' What's he talking about? I hate being kept in the dark! Jim moistens his lips before speaking again. He's nervous and I can feel his chest heave under the tension beneath my hands.

 

"You smelled so right and your hair, it's like..." Jim's voice trails off again.

 

"Jim!" I can't believe the things I'm hearing!

 

"It happens when I concentrate too much. You must know... my senses, they're funny that way. I hear things no one else does, smell things and... What?"

 

"I can't believe it!" I forget about my personal fears and stare deeply into his eyes. "Your senses are heightened? All five of them?" This can't be happening! Jim can't be a Sentinel! I searched for one my entire life and I never even suspected Jim had heightened senses. "Please don't be pulling my leg here. Are you serious?"

 

"I'm serious, Blair. How do you think I found you hidden beneath that dirty blanket in Stevens' basement? I heard your heartbeat, smelled the blood on you."

 

"No, no, no, this can't be. I finally lost it. You can't have... you can't be..." I'm raving and my body starts to shake. What are the chances of me finding a Sentinel in Cascade? No, let's rephrase that, what are the chances of a Sentinel finding me?

 

"Blair, except for these spells I can handle them."

 

Jim's right hand moves soothingly over my back and I'm so riled up I barely notice the touch. "A Sentinel. You're a Sentinel, Jim!"

 

"Sentinel? How do you figure that? I never heard that word before... no wait, Incacha called me something like that... Don't remember exactly..."

 

"Incacha?"

 

"It's a long story, Blair, but I lived with the Chopec in Peru for some time." A hopeful glance appears in Jim's eyes. "Do you think... do you think you can help me control these spells?"

 

"Zone outs, Jim. They're called zone outs." I pull my hands towards my chest and elbow myself into a sitting position. Damn these useless hands! I need to take notes and study them later!

 

"Blair, are you okay?"

 

I can tell he's worried. "I'm okay, Jim, just excited, raving and ecstatic." Seeing his questioning look I continue. "An explorer called Richard Burton wrote a monograph concerning Sentinels. I studied the subject for years and am even writing my dissertation on the subject. I can't fucking believe this!"

 

Jim actually manages a chuckle, although I can see my enthusiastic response worries him. I force myself to calm down and look him in the eyes. "Maybe I can help you control your senses, reduce the risks of experiencing a zone out..." Oh, he's got to let me help him! I've got all these theories about Sentinels and I'm dying to test them!

 

"Blair, calm down," Jim says. "We can talk about this in the morning. For now I just want to thank you for breaking that... zone out. It usually takes Joel hours to talk me down from it."

 

"Joel? Your colleagues know about your heightened senses?" Did he really tell them? Confide in them? Does he realize the danger he's putting himself in by telling them?

 

"Relax, buddy. Yeah, some of them know. Joel's my partner and I need him to watch my back in case I... zone out."

 

"Of course! You'd need someone to watch you back... a guide." Excited, I try to recall passages from Burton's monograph. Damn, why don't I have my stuff here? "It must have been hard on you to deal with this. And you didn't know you're a Sentinel?"

 

"I never studied the phenomenon, Blair. I had these heightened senses my entire life. I never asked myself where they came from or why I have them."

 

"A Sentinel... you're a Sentinel!" I'll have to run some tests and see how heightened his senses are!

 

"We already established that, Blair."

 

"How can you be so blasé about this, Jim? Do you know what this means? You're the living proof that Burton was right."

 

"I hardly recognize you," Jim says amused. "Blair, you need to calm down. You won't be able to sleep otherwise."

 

"Sleep? Do you really think I want to sleep now that I've found a real Sentinel?" But I can tell by the look in his eyes that he's serious and I try to oblige him, settling down again. I'm on my side, facing Jim again and can't take my eyes off of him, wondering what his eyes see. How do I look to him? God, I need to find out.

 

"We'll discuss this over breakfast if you close your eyes now and go back to sleep, Chief. I'm not kidding. I want you to rest. You need the sleep."

 

A happy smile settles on my face. "Jim, you've got no idea what this means." Suddenly I grow aware of the hand that's still rubbing my back. It feels good and I'm no longer shying away from it. I even find myself leaning into the touch.

 

"Yeah, that's it, relax."

 

I move closer to him until my head rests against his chest. Curled up, I ignore the discomfort my ribs cause and sigh blissfully. It's the first time in over six months that I feel completely safe, guarded and even loved.

 

Jim's body warmth is luring me back to sleep, but I fight it. "Jim, why me?" 

 

"Huh?"

 

"Why are you holding me in your arms?"

 

"What kind of question is that, Blair?"

 

"Do you believe in fate?" I peek at his eyes and find them looking back at me and for the first time I notice the love and compassion in them, aimed at me!

 

"Fate? I don't know about that." Jim ponders the question. "But I'm thankful I found you. I've only known you for some days, but I can't imagine life without you, Blair. Maybe it was destiny that guided me to you." Jim chuckles softly. "Maybe you're the guide I was looking for, subconsciously... You pulled me back from that zone out earlier. Maybe that's why I don't want to let you go..."

 

Hearing Jim's admission leaves me dazed. He really loves me! Only know I realize that. He loves me! Jim Ellison, cop and Sentinel, loves me! Is that why this feels so right? I should be panicking, shaking myself to pieces, wrapped up in his arms, but I trust him... maybe I'm even falling in love with him. 

 

Suddenly, I feel tired and close my eyes. Jim's right. We'll discuss this over breakfast. Right now I'm almost purring from true contentment, resting in his strong arms. "Now don't zone out again... otherwise I'll have to stay awake all night and I know you don't want that."

 

"Very true. I want you to sleep, Chief."

 

Jim's lips brush my brow and I smile against his chest. "Night, Jim... my Sentinel..."

 

"Night, Blair... my guide."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim

 

"Aa... rg..."

 

Blair's moans wake me at once and my senses lock on him, registering the stark stench of fear. He's sweating profusely, moving about in my arms, trying to squirm free.

 

"Nooooooo..."

 

The barely audible plea confirms my suspicion that he's having another nightmare. I release him from my embrace and he immediately rolls away from me, balancing precariously on the edge of the bed. I need to do something before he hits the floor, hurting himself in the process. But I know what a strong hold a nightmare can have, having had them myself and I keep my distance, trying to reassure him that no one is restraining him.

 

"Blair, sweetheart, everything's fine." I blink my eyes. Did I really call him sweetheart? Oh, Ellison, you've got it bad! "Come on, you're safe now." Slowly, I rest my right hand on his shoulder and he flinches away from it. His bones still stick out and I'm determined to make sure he gains weight. He's practically been starved these last six months. "Blair, please wake up."

 

"No..." A tiny yelp leaves Blair's lips, only to burst out into a tidal wave of sobs.

 

I ache to hold him, but he's got to wake up first. Wrapping my arms around him now would only freak him out further. "Open those baby blues, Blair. Come on, I know you can do this."

 

A shudder runs through his body and I mentally prepare myself for the worst; another full blown panic attack, but then his eyes flutter open. I cringe, seeing the loneliness and despair in them. "You're at the loft, sweetheart. You're safe, remember?" I need to get through to him and hope tactile contact will do the trick. I squeeze his shoulder gently and rub the icy skin beneath the fabric. The moment he shakes my hand off, I retreat to the other side of the bed. "Another nightmare?"

 

"Jim... s-sorry... s-sorry, m-man..." Long locks fall in front of Blair's face to hide his tears. "N-nightmare... a... nother one."

 

"Maybe it helps to talk about them," I offer, smelling the still lingering fear on him, but it's decreasing a little. "You know you can talk to me."

 

"D-don't w-want you to know all s-sordid d-details," Blair stutters, pulling up the comforter above his head, hiding beneath it.

 

Seeing him like this breaks my heart. "I want to help, sweetheart."

 

"Why d-do you call me... that?" Blair sounds insecure.

 

"Because I love you, remember?"

 

"What's there to l-love? I'm... da-da-damaged goods!" The sobs grow harder again and he shakes beneath the comforter.

 

"Blair? Blair, come on, talk to me..." I let him hide beneath the fabric, sensing how scared and tainted he feels. It's my job to make him understand. "Stevens hurt you because he wanted to control you. He had the power and wanted to show you not to mess with him. Blair, he raped you because he thought he could break you."

 

"I... k-now... that!" Blair's still shaking beneath the comforter.

 

"Blair, would you please look at me? I feel awkward talking like this. Please?" I hold my breath, hoping Blair trusts me enough to show his vulnerability. "I'll never hurt you." 

 

"I... know..." Blair pushes back the comforter and then freezes.

 

"Blair, can I push back your hair? I'd really like to see your face."

 

"Why? You can probably smell the fear on me, being a Sentinel..."

 

Yeah, he knows about my heightened senses and I don't feel a bit worried about him knowing. I trust him. "Blair, talk to me. Tell me what scares you and what I can do to help. And don't be too hard on yourself. We only sprung you a few days ago." Blair's shy eyes lock with mine and I have to repress the urge to pull him into my arms, knowing he can't bear close contact right now. "Just talk to me."

 

"Where do I start?" Blair looks away again and then finds the courage to continue. "I've known I was gay for some years now. I dated girls, but things never worked out. Then I realized I had a crush on a classmate. He felt attracted to me too and we became lovers."

 

Blair's eyes shine with unshed moisture, tears which he's fighting very hard. "It's okay to cry."

 

Blair shakes his head and then continues. "No, it's not... The relationship lasted for six months. We had our ups and downs and it taught me how beautiful making love could be. When St...Ste... vens..." Blair used his bandaged hands to hide his face behind. "When he... ra...ra...raped me... I can't do this!"

 

Suddenly, he jumps out of bed and stands beside it. His muscles are tense and he's ready to bolt. I don't move. "Blair? Sweetheart?"

 

"Don't call me that!" Blair's feelings come to the surface and his anger demands to be acknowledged. It finally finds a way out and he's trembling with rage. "I'm no longer anyone's sweetheart! How can you stand touching me, knowing what that bastard did to me? I can't look myself in the eyes, knowing he raped me and you... you call me... call me..." His shoulders slump forward and he bows his head, defeated.

 

I get out of the bed and walk towards him. Slowly, I raise my arms and fold them around his shaking form. When he doesn't push me away, I tighten my hold slightly. "You're not damaged goods, Blair. You didn't do anything wrong. That dirty bastard abused you for six months, but didn't break you. You're talking again; you're healing, doing better every day. You have to hang in there, Blair. Don't let him win."

 

"How can I hang in there?" Blair sobs. "I'll never forget the things he did to me. I see it every time I close my eyes. I'm still sore... down there."

 

I bite my lip, determined to control my temper. I need to be calm for Blair. "He's going to pay for his crimes, Blair. The inmates hate child molesters and Simon told me that several of the kids we rescued accused Stevens of rape. Stevens will never bother anyone ever again."

 

"How do I go on living?" Blair finally raises his head and allows eye contact.

 

His cheeks are wet from the tears and I smell saline in the air. "You're much stronger than you think, Blair. I'll be there every step of the way... if you want me to. Don't ever give up, sweetheart." I decide to play dirty. "And I need you to help me control my heightened senses."

 

"Yeah," Blair whispers hoarsely and tries to wipe away his tears.

 

But I'm still holding him and he can't reach his face. I wipe them away for him. "Want to go back to bed, Blair? We can still catch some hours of sleep before we have to head for Cascade General." Seeing his surprised expression I add, "Doctor Tate set up some appointments before we left. Tomorrow is your first check up."

 

"I can't do it, Jim. I can't... I'm so tired and..."

 

Blair collapses against me and I catch him. Tenderly, I help him settle down in bed and slip into place beside him, holding him close, but not too close. I leave him just enough space to move away if he wants to. "We rescued you only days ago and look at the progress you already made. You trust me enough to let me sleep this close to you. That's real progress! Don't be too hard on yourself."

 

"Need you close," Blair admits and snuggles a little closer.

 

Holding my breath, I feel incredibly honored that Blair trusts me enough to rest his head on my shoulder. "I need you close too, sweetheart." I don't think I ever called someone that little nickname that many times before, but Blair needs to hear it over and over again. "Look at you," I whisper, while softly caressing his curls. "Letting me hold you. You can do this, Blair. You're already healing."

 

Blair whimpers, and the sound alerts me. "What is it?"

 

"I'm not sure I can... ever again... do that... you know... have...s-sex... let... you... Damn... I'm s-sorry..."

 

Blair's on an emotional roller coaster and I hold him right through it. The emotional storm lasts several minutes and I rock him, mumbling soft reassurances in his ear. "Blair, it's okay. This isn't about sex. I won't stop loving you because you can't deal with me being inside you. There are so many other ways to express our love. Don't even think about us having sex right now. You still got a long road of recovery ahead of you and we'll walk that road together."

 

He calms down in my arms and I continue to rock him. "You need to concentrate on healing, sweetheart. The rest can wait. I love you..." It's the first time I said those words in that tender tone and he tenses in my arms. "You don't know what you feel, Blair. Don't feel guilty for not returning my feelings. You need time to deal with everything and I'll wait until you know for sure how you feel about me. Everything's going to be all right, Blair."

 

"Thanks, Jim..." Blair whispers sleepily. "I'm so sorry..."

 

"Don't be. Just try to sleep and dream of something pleasant. I'll hold you through the night. Babe, can I kiss you? Kiss your brow?"

 

"Yeah, I t-think so..." Blair sounds nervous.

 

I press a tender kiss onto his brow and then pull back. After covering us with the comforter I concentrate on feeling him in my arms. "You feel good, babe. So right..." Blair doesn't answer and I realize he's asleep again. Poor thing must be exhausted. "Sleep tight, sweetheart." Closing my eyes as well, I listen to his heartbeat, letting it carry me off to sleep. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After disentangling myself from Blair, I tiptoe downstairs, careful not to wake him. He had a bad night and is finally sleeping peacefully and I'm hoping it will stay that way. I take a quick shower and then start breakfast, putting Blair's meds on the table next to his plate. I dial Rafe's number and wait for him to pick up the phone.

 

"What?" Rafe's voice is slightly slurred.

 

I probably woke him. "Rafe, it's Jim. I was wondering if you found out what happened to Blair's stuff? Did you manage to talk to his former landlord?"

 

"Damn it, Ellison... it's my day off," Rafe sighs, but then wakes up quickly. "Yeah, I talked to him. He sold most of Blair's stuff to make up for the lost rent, but he kept the books and research material, hoping to find a buyer that would pay more. I 'convinced' him to hand over the two boxes to me and they're in the garage right now. Want me to drop them off at the loft?"

 

"I'll pick them up at your place after taking Blair to the hospital. So you didn't manage to salvage any clothes?" That means we'll have to go shopping as well. I can dress Blair in my clothes for now, but they are much too big for him. We'll buy some jeans, shirts, underwear and shoes on our way home.

 

"Nothing. He sold everything." Rafe sounds truly sorry. 

 

"Well, that's to be expected. You gonna be home all day?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Blair and I will drop by around noon." Blair's got an appointment at ten thirty at Cascade General. "Any news on Stevens?"

 

"Judge refused to let him go on bail. Looks like Stevens is never getting out again. Simon was almost purring, smoking one of his Cuban cigars. He looked damned pleased."

 

"He has every right to be. We tried to nail the son of a bitch for over a year. I'll see you around noon."

 

"Sure thing. I'll be at home," Rafe promises.

 

I end the conversation and sneak back upstairs again. Blair is still sound asleep and looks adorable with his wild curls fanned out over the pillows. So many things have changed during these last few days. We got him away from Stevens, I fell in love with him and now he knows I'm a Sentinel. I feel like I've found the other half of my soul that I have been looking for my entire life. I only hope the feelings will turn out to be mutual. Even if he can't love me back I'm determined to be his friend for the rest of his life. I'll find a way to keep him close.

 

"Hey sleepyhead, wake up. The sun's shining and the coffee's brewing." Amused I watch him squirm deeper beneath the comforter. I don't smell any fear on him and try again. "Sweetheart, wake up, it's time to eat and to take your meds."

 

"Huh? Five more minutes, man.... five..." Blair pleads and tries to roll onto his other side.

 

"No way. I need to clean you up before we can go to Cascade General and that's going to take some time."

 

"Jim?" Confused eyes flutter open and Blair searches his surroundings.

 

"You're in my bed," I remind him. "You slept in my arms tonight."

 

"Yeah, I remember... vaguely..." Blair blushes. "Clean me up?"

 

"Your ribs are still taped and your hands bandaged so I figured I would give you a sponge bath." Blair finally looks at me and I smile reassuringly. I know what will get his attention. "And then you can pester me with your questions about being a Sentinel."

 

Blair's eyes widen. "I almost forgot!"

 

Yip, that got his attention all right. "But first you're gonna eat. Want me to get you a warm robe?" Blair pushes down the comforter and starts to shiver. "I'll raise the room temperature in a moment." Blair nods his head and I collect my robe. "Get on your feet, sweetheart." At hearing that word his blush deepens and my heart contracts with love and affection for him.

 

After wrapping him up in my robe I help him downstairs. He's still a bit wobbly and his eyes drift shut now and then. His body's trying to make up for lost sleep and I bet he'll sleep through most of the day.

 

Hopefully the trip to the hospital won't tire him too much.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair sits down at the kitchen table and I serve breakfast. As I put the bacon and eggs on to his plate he shoots me a questioning look. "What is it?"

 

"Man, do you eat this every morning? The grease's going to kill you one day!"

 

I chuckle. "I'm still alive and in pretty good shape." I flex my muscles, showing off for the first time since we met.

 

Blair swallows hard and looks away. I take hold of his fork, load it with bacon and eggs and say amused, "Open up, Blair." Briefly, it looks like he's going to defy me, but then his lips part and he munches on the food. Eating breakfast takes Blair several minutes but then his plate is empty. I place the glass filled with OJ at his lips after putting the pills on his tongue. Obediently, he swallows them.

 

"Why a sponge bath?" Blair asks softly. "Can't I take a shower?"

 

"The bandages have to stay dry," I remind him, reading apprehension in his eyes. "Does the idea of me giving you a sponge bath make you uncomfortable?" Blair nods his head and stares at his useless hands. "You're in control. If you want me to back off I will. You're calling the shots."

 

Those words seem to reassure Blair and he smiles weakly. "What about my hair? It needs to be washed too."

 

"Maybe, Blair. I need to figure out first how to wash that riot of curls." Bowing over the sink would put pressure on his ribs and I can't put him in the shower or bathtub. Opening my hand, I put it palm upwards on the table, hoping he gets the message and will put his bandaged one in mine. He does and I gently caress the bandages.

 

"Are you scared of going to the hospital?" I wouldn't blame him for being terrified. When he ventured onto the streets yesterday he put himself in danger and I think he realizes that. But this time I'll be at his side.

 

"A bit," Blair admits. "The doc will want to run tests and I don't know..."

 

"You can do this, Blair. You're strong."

 

"Thanks," he whispers softly. "Will you stay with me?"

 

"If that's what you want, yes." I get to my feet to collect some things so I can give him that sponge bath. I can feel Blair's eyes on me. "Why don't you walk over to the couch? You'll be more comfortable there." Blair follows my suggestion and sits down on the couch. In the meantime I put two towels on the bed in my former storage room and carry the bowl filled with warm water into the room. After getting everything ready I give Blair a signal to join me.

 

Blair's shivering as he sits down on the bed. "I've got to take off your clothes first."

 

"I trust you..."

 

Those three words make my heart beat faster. "Thanks, sweetheart. This must be hard for you and I'm proud you trust me. I'll take off the shirt first and then the sweat pants." I cringe, finding I can literally count his ribs once the shirt is off. I help him step out of the pants and then wait for his explicit permission to remove his underwear as well. I want him to feel in control, he has to be in control!

 

"It's okay, Jim... I think I can handle it."

 

Blair rests his hands in his lap and allows me to strip him off his underwear. "You're doing great, sweetheart." I keep reminding myself to use that endearment to let him know how much I care.

 

"I feel..." Naked and exposed, Blair covers his groin with his bandaged hands. "Gimme a moment... please."

 

"Sure." I sit on my heels in front of him. My senses are on alert, ready to detect the smallest change in Blair's pulse, heartbeat or scent. Silent minutes pass and I'm about to offer to cover him with a blanket, when Blair suddenly lies down.

 

"Do it," he whispers in a hoarse tone. His hands stay in front of his groin, shielding it from my eyes.

 

I move the wet washcloth over his face. "Say stop and I'll stop, sweetheart. You're in control." His body stays tense beneath my hands as the washcloth travels down his throat and to his chest. "Did you use to wear a nipple ring?"

 

"Yeah," Blair whispers, nervously. "But Ste..."

 

The pierced nipple is black and blue and I can only imagine what damage Stevens did. "Want to go shopping for a new one?"

 

"No!" Flushed, Blair averts his eyes. "He... got off on it."

 

A dark anger builds in the pit of my stomach. Stevens, that damned bastard! "I'm so sorry, sweetheart." Blair's eyes suddenly lock with mine and the intensity in them takes me aback.

 

"I don't understand," Blair starts. "How can you still want me? After all the things he did to me? Yeah, you explained last night, but Jim, you hardly know me! How can you fall in love with a stranger?"

 

His eyes beg me to explain again and I do. After taking a deep breath I lean in closer and gently brush his lips, tasting him. Pulling back, I cup his chin in the palm of my hand and just look him in the eyes.

 

"You kissed me," Blair whispers, breathlessly.

 

Smart kid. "You're dead right, sweetheart."

 

"But... why? Don't you understand that... that he... that Stevens... how do I make you understand?"

Blair's panicking.

 

"Blair, I've never been raped. I've never been a mad man's prisoner, so I'm not telling you that I know how you feel, but I've seen a lot of survivors act like you're acting now. It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Stevens is a bastard. He did this to you. I'm mad with him, not you, never you. You'll feel like this for a while, but... that doesn't mean I think the same thing you do. I think you're strong, a survivor and Stevens couldn't break you. I want you to heal and to learn to love yourself again. Don't be mad with yourself, Blair. You didn't do anything wrong."

 

"Oh, Jim..."

 

Tears escape Blair's eyes and I quickly gather them on my fingertips. I taste them; taste the pain in them. "I'm in love with you, Blair and you won't succeed in pushing me away." Trying to distract him, I continue to move the washcloth over his chest, removing the sweat. Reaching his groin I look up at him questioningly. His bandaged hands are still firmly in place, preventing me from going any further.

 

His hands shake as he places them on the bed and his eyes close in dread. The stench of fear is back, but I continue nonetheless. Tenderly, I wash his groin area and then move on to his thighs. Washing his backside will be the real test of trust. "You've got to turn around, Blair."

 

Blair remains silent, but rolls over onto his stomach. His heartbeat speeds up and the shivers change into violent shaking. I wash his back, buttocks and legs and then cover him with the blanket to make him feel less exposed. "You did great, sweetheart." I kiss his locks and wait for him to react. Rolling him gently over to his side, I lock eyes with him. "Thank you for trusting me."

 

Blair's eyes are impossibly big and a tear is caught in his lashes. I want to kiss it away, but restrain myself. I don't want to startle him.

 

"I can't help liking you, trusting you," Blair admits softly. "I wish I knew why. I don't trust easy..."

 

It's time to get back to business. We only got one hour left and I still need to get him dressed.

 

"Jim? What am I gonna wear? I don't have any clothes and those sweats are ripe, man."

 

"My clothes are way too big for you, but I washed some jeans on too high a temperature and they shrunk. You should fit into them, however. I'm sure we'll find you briefs, a shirt and a sweater."

 

Twenty minutes later I look at Blair again. He's wearing too large briefs, shrunk jeans, a white tee shirt and a blue sweater that bring out his stunning eyes. My socks are too big too, but I find some sneakers Rafe once left behind at my place after working out. I should really return them to him, but they sure come in handy now!

 

One look outside tells me it's snowing again and I wrap a warm scarf around Blair's neck, making sure he's warm. "Here, slip into it." I hold my thickest coat in place and help Blair slip his bandaged hands through the sleeves. "Warm?"

 

"Almost too warm," comes Blair's reply, which is muffled as the scarf covers part of his face. 

 

"Good. Let's go." But Blair's remains frozen. "What's wrong?"

 

"I don't know... maybe I'm nervous."

 

I fold an arm around his waist and steer him towards the doorway. "Why?"

 

"The physical exam..."

 

"Say the word and I'll stay with you." I lock the door behind us and guide him into the lift. It's time to distract Blair. "After seeing Doctor Tate we'll stop by Rafe's place."

 

"Rafe... isn't he the one who...found me?"

 

Blair's large eyes stare at me from above the scarf. He looks awfully vulnerable and I vow to not let him out of my sight. "Yes, that's Rafe. He talked to your landlord and..." I walk him to the car, open the door for him and help him inside. He moans. His ribs are still causing him pain.

 

"And what?"

 

Bingo! I've got Blair's attention now! "The landlord sold most of your stuff, but..." I stop, hearing Blair's soft yelp. It must hurt to lose your personal things. "Rafe managed to rescue some books and your research material."

 

"Burton's monograph!"

 

Blair's frantic movements scare me. He's waving his bandaged hands about and is rocking on the passenger's seat, probably from excitement. "Blair, sweetheart..."

 

"Jim, I need that book. I need to teach you about Sentinels, about their duty to the tribe and... My God, what if it's gone? Lost?" At a loss, he stares outside, his frantic movements coming to a stop. "It's unique, Jim."

 

"We'll search the boxes, Blair, and if he sold it, I'll track it down and buy it back. Just calm down, okay?" Traffic is hell and I need to concentrate to get us safely to the hospital. "What's this duty to the tribe thing you mentioned?"

 

Blair smiles brilliantly. "A Sentinel is a watchman and protects the tribe. Oh man, let me tell you all I know!"

 

Several minutes later I wonder why I ever asked that question. Blair's words come out like a waterfall and they never stop. I resign myself to my fate and listen to him for the rest of our trip to the hospital.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

I can't do this. Jim's trying to rebuild my confidence, but it isn't working. I'm sitting in the waiting area for the nurse to call my name and tell me that Tate's ready to see me, but I know I can't do it. He'll want to examine me thoroughly and I can't bear the thought of him pushing a finger into my anus. I can't do it!

 

"Blair, calm down. You're about to hyperventilate."

 

My Sentinel... He's using his senses to monitor me. Jim didn't tell me he was doing that, but he doesn't have to. I know he's keeping a close eye on me. "I'm okay, Jim," I say, trying to reassure him, but whom am I kidding? He can probably smell the fear on me.

 

I'm grateful that we're the only people in the waiting area. At least when I lose it, no one, except Jim, has to witness me falling apart.

 

"Want me to go inside with you?"

 

No! No, Jim! Don't do that! I almost scream the words out, but I hold back at the last second. Please Jim. I don't want you to see me like that; bending over and a gloved finger slipping inside.

 

That's it! Picturing it made me nauseous and I run for the bathroom, trying to keep my breakfast down. Once inside, I fall to my knees and begin to throw up. I hate throwing up. It makes my throat raw and I always end up feeling weak and wobbly. Now my hair's falling in front of my face, gross...

 

"I've got you, sweetheart, it's okay."

 

Jim gently pulls back my hair, holding it in place and holds me tight. After throwing up breakfast, the dry heaves start, exhausting me. Man, I can't do this! I can't let Tate touch me!

 

"Blair, it's gonna be okay... it's gonna be okay. You're strong, strong..."

 

Jim's words finally penetrate my foggy brain and I collapse against him. "Mouth tastes awful..." He helps me back to my feet and offers me some water. I rinse my mouth and wish I had a toothbrush and some toothpaste.

 

"What's upsetting you? Is it seeing Doctor Tate? You're doing so well, Blair. You're healing and..." Jim's voice trails off, seeing the look in my eyes.

 

One quick glance assures me that we're alone and I suddenly blurt out everything that scares me. "I can't do it, Jim! I can't let him touch me, not there! It hurts..."

 

"Oh, babe," Jim whispers. "I know it's hard, but he has to make sure you're healing properly. What if there's an infection and we don't catch it? You'd never heal up."

 

"I can't do it. I thought about it and..."

 

"You panicked."

 

I nod my head against his chest. "Can we go back to the loft? I'll rest, I promise. I'll let you feed me and I'll take all the meds you want. Just don't do this to me."

 

"I'm sorry, Blair, but the doctor has to examine you. I would take your place in a heartbeat, but..."

 

What? What did he say? Jim would take my place and endure this for me? He really must love me, though I have no idea why he wants leftovers. Stevens did a good number on my self-esteem. It's basically gone and I'm so close to hating myself for what he did to me that it amazes me that Jim managed to keep me sane. "Don't ever say that!" Jim's eyes darken and I know I said the wrong thing, but hell, it's true! "Never wish this had happened to you instead of me!"

 

It seems as if Jim wants to object, but then remains silent instead. "You said earlier that you don't know how I feel and you're right. You were never raped, I was. Don't tell me you'd take my place. You have no idea what I'm going through!"

 

"I'm sorry. That didn't come out right," Jim apologizes.

 

I nod my head, telling him I accept his apology. Damn, I've got to be strong for him and let Tate examine me. I only hope I don't freak out during the exam. "We should go back to the waiting area. They're probably looking for us." I allow Jim to pull me to my feet and I stubbornly avoid looking at my reflection in the mirror. I don't want to look at the shadow of the man I used to be.

 

"Blair? Jim?" Doctor Tate quickly walks towards us. "I've been looking for you. Blair, are you all right? You look a little pale."

 

A little? That's the understatement of the year! I must look like the living dead! "I'm ready for the exam, doctor." I cringe, hearing the tremors that rock my voice. I can do this. I've got to do this, have got to be strong for Jim!

 

Tate takes my arm and leads me toward his office. Jim stays behind in the waiting area and I almost call out for him to follow me inside. I'm torn. I don't want Jim to see the exam, but I'm not sure I can endure it without him!

 

"Blair, please sit down."

 

I take a seat opposite Tate and stare at my hands. My hair falls in front of my face and I'm glad I can hide behind it. 

 

"How are you doing, Blair? You look better."

 

I peek at Tate, who's looking at his notes. "I'm okay." Shit, my voice still shakes! 

 

"Are your ribs still causing you trouble?" Tate leans back and studies me.

 

"Yeah, sometimes."

 

"Are you taking the antibiotics and pain medication?"

 

I nod my head. Why can't we get it over with? I want to go back to the loft and hide in Jim's bed.

 

"How about your hands?"

 

"They're pretty useless." I can't even wipe my butt; Jim has to do it for me. I hate being this helpless. "How much longer until they're healed?"

 

"At least five more weeks, Blair."

 

Damn! That wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.

 

"Any headaches? Muscle cramps? Nausea?"

 

"I threw up just now." Wow, did I really say that? I planned on keeping it from Tate.

 

"Why was that?" Tate takes hold of his pen and starts to write.

 

"I'm nervous."

 

"About what?"

 

Oh man, he's going to make me say it. I wonder if Jim's still monitoring me. I don't want him to worry about me. The last thing I need is Jim storming in here because he thinks I'm having another panic attack!

 

"Blair?"

 

"About the exam," I mumble, knowing the words are barely audible.

 

"I understand," Tate says slowly and leans forward. "That's perfectly understandable, Blair. Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?"

 

Yeah, I want Jim close, but I can't speak those words and shake my head. "We'd better get it over with."

 

"Do you need help undressing?"

 

"I'm afraid so." Feeling embarrassed I get to me feet, expecting Tate to call a nurse to help me take my jeans off. I'm surprised when he offers to help me himself. Feeling shy I give in and he unzips my jeans, pulls down my underwear and helps me step out of them.

 

"I know this is uncomfortable," Tate says reassuringly. "But it will be over with in a few seconds."

 

I bend over, resting on the exam table and shaking as a leave. I can't do this... I have to do this... I can't... I have to... I can't...

 

"Blair, calm down."

 

Tears are threatening to leave my eyes. I can't go through with this, I can't. It's bringing back memories of Stevens' men, holding me in place so the bastard could enter me. I can't do it!

 

"Blair!" Jim's voice takes me aback. He's banging on the door. Damn! He knows I'm panicking and is reacting to it! I should control my emotions better!

 

"Do you want Jim to hold your hand?"

 

Tate's question surprises the hell out of me, but I quickly nod my hand. "Yes, p-please..." I trust Jim and I know he won't let anyone hurt me, not even Tate.

 

Tate opens the door and Jim storms inside. "Blair, what's going on? Come on, tell me!"

 

He comes to a halt opposite me, the exam table presenting a barrier. It's obvious that he won't leave the room without me and I begin to calm down. I recognize the look on his face when his eyes lock on Tate; he knows what's going to happen. "Will you stay?" I can't believe I asked him to stay! The exam will gross him out and he'll lose the little respect he has for me.

 

"Of course I'll stay!"

 

"Can we continue?" Tate is putting on gloves and warms the lubricant he's going to use between his fingertips. "This is just a routine exam, Blair. I need to make sure that you're healing. We didn't put in stitches, hoping nature would take its course and you'd heal, but I've got to make sure."

 

"I understand." My breath comes in gasps and I wonder if I have the courage to lock eyes with Jim during the exam.

 

"Just look at me, focus on my voice, Blair. Everything's going to be all right."

 

I wonder just how many times Jim already said those words, but I take them to heart and look him in the eyes.

 

"I'm ready to get started, Blair, are you ready?" Tate asks softly.

 

"Just do it." I bite my lower lip and my body tenses, expecting pain.

 

"Jim, I need Blair to relax. Otherwise I'll hurt him."

 

Jim nods his head. "Blair, do you have a place where you feel safe?"

 

"The bed..." Jim's bed. It's big, warm and the best thing is Jim lying close to me. I feel safe there.

 

"Picture yourself in the bed. The comforter covers you and it's warm. You're not alone. I'm close, watching over you. You're safe..." Jim nods at Tate to start the exam, while keeping up the reassurances.

 

I let Jim's words roll over me and begin to relax. Tate's slippery, glove covered fingertip presses against the guardian ring and I focus on Jim's voice, letting it soothe me. I groan in pain as Tate's finger slips inside and tears spring from my eyes. Embarrassed, I want to wipe them away, but I feel paralyzed. Tate's finger slips in deeper, conducting his exam and I turn my head away from Jim in shame.

 

"Look at me, babe. Don't turn away from me."

 

Even in this emotional state I wonder if he'll regret calling me babe later, once Tate realizes what he heard. Jim's hand settles against my cheek and forces me to face him again. I can only stare at his watered eyes.

 

"It's almost over, Blair. You're doing great. I told you you're strong, a survivor. Don't give up now!" Jim keeps up the reassuring murmur.

 

Tate's finger leaves my body and I sob softly, ashamed for losing it in front of them. "Jim... I don't wanna cry, but... " 

 

"Don't worry about, sweetheart. The exam's over and you did great. I'm so proud of you. I know how nervous you were."

 

Jim helps me into my underwear and jeans. I hate the fact that Jim has to help me every step of the way. Damned useless hands! Finally I'm dressed again, but I don't want to sit down. I'm a bit sore and I just want to leave this place.

 

"You're healing just fine, Blair." Tate sighs.

 

He locks eyes with me and I blush, feeling embarrassed and totally exposed.

 

"I can give you the number of a really good councilor," Tate offers.

 

I shake my head. I just want Jim. "Can I go now?"

 

Tate's eyes are concerned when they lock with Jim's. "Jim, Blair's staying with you?"

 

"Yes, and he'll continue to stay with me. He's not leaving."

 

"You're doing a good job. Make sure Blair continues to rest. Blair has to take the antibiotics for another week. The pain pills... his ribs are still causing him pain so continue those as well. Do you know how to change the bandages around his ribs?" After Jim nods, Tate continues. "I want to see Blair next week. My assistant will set up the appointment."

 

Jim and I walk toward the doorway. They're discussing me like I'm not here and I should feel angry about that, but I don't feel a thing. I feel numb.

 

"You did great, sweetheart."

 

Suddenly Jim's lips brush my brow and I tremble in his arms. He still wants me. The lovesick fool really wants damaged goods! I dread the day when he realizes he made a mistake and dumps me.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

I'm subdued during the drive over to Rafe's place. My former friends wouldn't recognize me. I used to be a motor mouth and now... I'm reduced to this.

 

"Blair? I can hear you thinking..."

 

That actually makes me chuckle. "You're Sentinel, not Superman!"

 

"Uhm, I don't think even Superman can hear people think."

 

Jim did it. He actually made me laugh! Oh, I love him... I think. If only I didn't feel this confused all the time.

 

"We'll pick up your stuff and then head for the mall. You need clothes, Blair."

 

"I wanna go back to the loft... Please?" I give him my best imitation of puppy dog's eyes, hoping it will work.

 

"All right. I'll drop you off at the loft and buy those clothes later."

 

I don't want him to leave again, but don't say it. We reach Rafe's place, Jim parks the car and shuts it down.

 

"Do you wanna go inside with me or stay here?"

 

What a dilemma. I really want to stay here. I don't want to talk to Rafe again, but my fear of being alone finally outweighs my shame. I don't want to be alone in the truck. "I'm coming with you."

 

"Good," Jim mumbles pleased. He leaves the car, walks over to my side; opens the door and I stumble outside, knowing Jim will catch me if I fall.

 

"Hey, Jim! Blair!" Rafe opens the front door. "Come on inside. I just made some tea."

 

"Tea," Jim scolds, displeased. "He's a cop for crying out loud! A cop's supposed to drink coffee, not tea!"

 

"I like tea," I admit in a tiny tone, following Jim inside. Rafe's home tidy, but lacks a woman's touch so he must be a bachelor.

 

"You like tea? That's great! I got this special Chinese blend!" Rafe says enthusiastically. "Sit down, guys. I'll get the tea and Blair's stuff."

 

I sit down on the couch and realize just how tired I am. Tate's exam left me sore and I shift uncomfortably. Rafe returns, puts the teacup on the table, grins, and then leaves to get my stuff.

 

"Here, lemme help." Jim waits for the tea to cool down a bit. "Sip slowly."

 

I stare at my bandaged hands and feel angry at being helpless. I don't want to be dependent on Jim!

 

"Five more weeks, Blair and you're going to be 100% again."

 

"You listened in?" I whisper the words between sips.

 

"Didn't do it on purpose. Your heart was racing and I could smell the fear on you. I just wanted to be sure I picked up on the first signs of you panicking."

 

"Jim?" Jim places the teacup back on the table and looks me in the eyes. "Didn't it gross you out?" I blurt out my fears, unable to hold back. "No matter what you say, I'll always be damaged goods."

 

"You're not," Jim says softly. "And in time you'll realize that."

 

How can I argue with a man who's so certain his words are true? How can I contradict him? I don't. "Can I have some more tea please?" Jim lets me sip again and I startle, hearing Rafe enter the room again.

 

"This is what I managed to save, Blair." Rafe puts two cardboard boxes in the middle of the room. "Want me to open them?"

 

"Yes, please." I rise from the couch and join Rafe. Jim follows suit and I wonder if I'll ever figure this man out. First he saves me, a stranger, and then falls in love with me.

 

Rafe opens the first box and I recognize my textbooks. "Jim, do you think they'll let me back into the program?" I don't know where that came from and I peek at Jim's eyes.

 

"We'll talk to them, make Rainier understand," Jim promises.

 

Rafe puts the books on the floor and I nod my head every time I recognize one of them. Almost all my books are here. Hopefully the second box contains the Monograph and my research on Sentinels. The first chapters of my dissertation should be in there as well.

 

Jim opens the second box while Rafe puts the books back in to the first box. "Yes, that's the Monograph!" I move closer and extend my bandaged hands. I want to hold it! Jim understands and hands it to me. I press it to my chest. Later, I'll show him the picture Burton took of a Sentinel.

 

Next comes a bundle of notebooks. "My research! My dissertation! It's still here!" The floppy disks tumble onto the floor and I sigh, relieved that my research was saved. It can help Jim deal with his senses. "It's here... it's here..."

 

Jim and Rafe exchange a pleased look, happy that I'm smiling. "Thanks, Rafe, thank you!" They'll never know how much this material means to me. It's too bad my laptop isn't here, but I figure the landlord sold it to make up for the lost rent.

 

"Gimme the book, Blair. I'll put everything back in the box and Rafe can carry the boxes to the truck. We'll unpack everything at the loft. I'll clear some shelves for you to put the books on." Jim's still smiling.

 

I clutch the Monograph between the palms of my hands and give it back to Jim. "Open it on page 34? Please?"

 

Jim indulges me and opens the book. Curiously, he looks at me for an explanation. "That's a tribal watchman, Jim, a Sentinel."

 

"A what?" Rafe asks.

 

"A Sentinel." I wonder if Rafe knows about Jim's heightened senses. I can't simply tell Rafe about Sentinels when Rafe doesn't know.

 

"Blair thinks that's what I am, a Sentinel," Jim says, addressing Rafe. "Because of my heightened senses. He even broke one of my spells."

 

"Zone outs," I correct him.

 

"Yeah, zone outs." Jim closes the book again and places it back into the box. "I need to take Blair back to the loft. We need to talk."

 

"I'll put the boxes in your truck," Rafe offers and catches the keys Jim throws him. "Why don't you finish your tea, Blair?"

 

"Yeah, sit down, sweetheart. You need those fluids. Rafe, do you have anything to eat? Crackers? A sandwich?" 

 

"Sure, help yourself." Rafe picks up the first box and leaves the room.

 

Jim walks into the kitchen and I follow him. He makes me a sandwich and tells me to sit down again, which I do. I still feel a little bit wobbly on my feet. Jim feeds me little pieces of the sandwich and I wonder what he's thinking about. A thoughtful look appeared in his eyes.

 

"Do you think it was coincidence that I found you?" Jim says eventually. "Think about. I have heightened senses and don't know what I am. Then I find you and you studied Sentinels, are even writing your dissertation on the subject. How can it be coincidence?"

 

"I asked myself that same question," I admit. "What's the chance of you finding me?"

 

Silence descends on the kitchen and we stare at each other. "Now what?"

 

"We're going back to the loft. You'll rest and I'll unpack and then we'll talk."

 

I yawn. I meant to stifle it, but the fatigue's overwhelming me. "I wouldn't mind lying down."

 

"Let's go." Jim gets to his feet and I follow him back to the car, where Rafe's waiting to say goodbye. 

 

"Drop by any time you want," Jim says friendly.

 

"I've been meaning to ask you, Jim..." Rafe's eyes lock with Jim's. "Are those my shoes Blair's wearing?"

 

"Yeah, you left them when we ordered pizza after working out. You'll get them back."

 

"No, Jim, that's okay... I was just wondering." Rafe smiles brilliantly.

 

Jim slips behind the wheel. "Thanks for collecting Blair's stuff."

 

"That's okay."

 

I manage to pull myself into the car, but my ribs protest the movement and I barely suppress a tortured moan. Jim gives me a worried look and I know that he noticed I overestimated my strength.

 

Rafe waves until he vanished from view and I rest my head against the window. I'm tired, so damn tired!

 

"You can go to sleep, Blair. It'll take us at least 30 minutes to get through this traffic."

 

"Thanks, man." I close my eyes and wrap my arms around my chest to support my aching ribs. "Jim?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"Thanks for sticking in there with me today. It means a lot to me that you... helped me through that exam. I was about to lose it when you banged on that door. I would have had another panic attack if you hadn't shown up. I was so scared..."

 

"Scared?" Jim has to concentrate on the traffic, but tries to peek at me.

 

"Yes, scared. Feeling him touch me like that reminded me of... of... Stevens..." I'm not sure I can actually say it. "It's not fair."

 

"What isn't fair, sweetheart?" Jim's tone reveals his worry.

 

"That I can't... that you can't... when we decide to... you know... make love... have sex...I'm not sure I can..."

 

"Blair, we discussed this before. Nothing is going to happen for now. Don't worry about it."

 

Hiding behind the warm scarf I try to avoid looking at Jim. I don't understand why he wants me. "Doesn't it gross you out that...? Ste...vens raped me?"

 

Jim sighs. "You don't gross me out, Blair. I love you."

 

"Love me? Jim, you've only known me for a few days! How can you say that?" I need to hear it, need to hear him say he loves me. Need to hear a million times that he doesn't mind damaged goods.

 

"The things I feel for you go deeper than anything I ever felt before, Blair. My senses feel alive when you're near. Hell, I feel alive when you're near. I love you, Blair and now stop questioning my love. Stop pushing me away."

 

"I'm not pushing you away!"

 

"Yes, you are, you just don't know you're doing it."

 

That shuts me up. Is Jim right? Am I trying to push him away? Subconsciously? I need to think about that, but for now I need to rest. My head's spinning and a headache is building behind my temples. I close my eyes and listen to the soft snore of the engine. It lures me asleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim

 

Blair's curled up on the couch and it's time to unpack his books and research material. I put everything onto some shelves in the living room and wonder how to fit in a desk for Blair. Maybe later, we can turn the storage room into a study; that is if Blair wants to stay after he's healed.

 

Blair appears peacefully asleep, but I know how quickly that can change. I put on some soft music, which always seems to help Blair relax. "Sleep tight, babe," I whisper and caress his hair. "I'm going to prepare dinner." I let him sleep all afternoon, knowing the trip to the hospital and to Rafe's place exhausted him.

 

Blair continues to sleep for the next hour and then wakes slowly, probably aroused by the aroma of tomato soup and grilled sandwiches. I return to his side, sit on my heels and ask, "Hungry?"

 

Big confused eyes stare at back at me and I smile warmly. His stomach growls and that's all the answer I need. "Try to sit upright? We can eat in front of the TV." I'm breaking one of my rules, but I don't care as long as Blair's comfortable.

 

Blair's eyes travel to the TV screen. "Animal Planet?"

 

I switched off the music and selected this channel on purpose. I don't want Blair to watch the news or a violent movie. The press is running several extra broadcasts on Stevens and I want to protect him from being exposed to that. I know I can't protect him forever, but for now I can. "Yeah, thought we could watch a special on jaguars." I didn't tell him about my animal spirit and maybe hearing about the black jaguar that guides my steps will distract him from feeling miserable.

 

"It's okay," he whispers, elbowing himself into a sitting position. "I like nature shows."

 

"I'm going to get the food," I announce and return to the kitchen. I place the bowls on the coffee table and get the grilled sandwiches as well. "Let's try the soup first?" Blair nods his head and I help him drink the soup. I dislike seeing the withdrawn expression in his eyes. "Blair?"

 

"It's funny you mentioned jaguars," Blair starts.

 

Surprised, I lock eyes with him. That wasn't the answer I expected to hear. "Why's that?"

 

"I dreamed about one just now." Blair looks away and shrugs deeper beneath the afghan.

 

"You dreamed about a jaguar?"

 

"A black jaguar, Jim. He had the most intense eyes I've ever seen. It's just a coincidence."

 

"I don't believe it's a coincidence," I start, and offer him more soup, which he drinks obediently. "I've got an animal spirit. It's a black jaguar. I see him in my dreams... and sometimes when I'm awake as well. It's been a while though since I saw him last." Blair's eyes meet mine and I see the questions in them. "I guess this answers our questions. Me finding you wasn't a coincidence. I was meant to find you, to take you in. Blair," I chuckle softly, "we've been set up." It was meant as a joke and thankfully Blair grins. "I wonder if that means you've got an animal spirit as well."

 

"Jim, I'm not a Sentinel," Blair says between sips.

 

"But we're connected, Blair. What does Burton say about animal spirits?"

 

"Not much," Blair replies thoughtfully and finally empties the soap. "I should be writing this down. It's valuable information and I can't... can't even write. Damned hands!"

 

The anger in his eyes makes me fully realize how hard this is on him. "Maybe we can borrow a laptop from the station which has a voice recognition program? That way you could dictate your notes."

 

"You think you can do that?" Blair asks, trying hard not to sound too enthusiastic.

 

"I'll ask Simon tomorrow." Changing topics I ask, "Do you want a grilled sandwich?" He really needs to put on some weight. Blair nods and I cut the sandwich up in small pieces, and then feed them to him.

 

"Don't you grow tired of waiting on me hand and foot?" Blair averts his eyes and bows his head.

 

"No, I don't. I like taking care of you." Blair looks at me like I've lost my mind. "What?"

 

"Then you're the first..."

 

"Blair?" Something about that statement chills my very soul.

 

"Even Naomi got fed up with me."

 

"Sweetheart?" I brush some stray locks behind his ear and wait for him to lift his eyes. "Naomi's your mother, isn't she?" I recognized the name from the file Simon obtained. "We're still trying to locate her, but she does an awful lot of traveling."

 

"She always did," Blair says in a tiny tone. "I can't remember a time when we lived somewhere for a longer period of time. We were always traveling and I was about five when she started to leave me with friends. I wouldn't see her for months. One time she stayed away for a year, missed my birthday and when she got back, she acted like she'd only been gone for a few days."

 

"I bet that hurt." Slowly, I begin to understand where he's coming from. It must really confuse him that I'm taking care of him. Let's be honest, I'm just a stranger to him. We might feel attracted to each other, but we've only known each other for a few days. It's understandable that he's mystified by my desire to pamper him.

 

"It hurt... you'd better stop searching for her. You won't find her anyway. She'll show up at your doorstep when you least expect it." Blair's eyes soften. "I still can't believe you took me in and let me stay. I'm not used to having someone who supports me."

 

I bet you aren't used to it, Blair. I haven't met Naomi yet and I hope she'll stay away for a long time because I'm not sharing Blair after everything I've heard. She has to earn the right to take care of him. What kind of mother is she? Yeah, mine wasn't a saint either, but at least I had a father to fall back on. Bill made his share of mistakes, but didn't desert us. "What about your dad?"

 

"Don't know him," Blair admits and shrinks into himself, clutching the blanket awkwardly. 

 

He looks exhausted and I know it's time to lay off the questions. "Let's watch some TV." I settle down beside him and raise one arm. "You look cold, sweetheart." I'm not sure he'll accept the invitation, but then he moves closer and snuggles up to me. "It's okay; you can rest your head on my shoulder." He does and I sigh pleased, smelling his scent this close. "Tomorrow we'll figure out how to wash your hair."

 

"That would be nice," Blair whispers and manages to find a comfortable position.

 

"Still sore?"

 

"Yeah, man, don't remind me." Blair blushes slightly, still feeling embarrassed for his earlier behavior.

 

"You did great. You impressed Tate." During the exam Blair relaxed when I massaged his scalp and my fingers find their way back into the locks, softly caressing them.

 

"Yeah right," Blair scolds himself. "I freaked out."

 

"You pulled yourself together again," I correct him. The program is about to start and I make sure the blanket's tucked around his form.

 

"I don't know if I can stay awake," Blair says apologetically and yawns.

 

"Then go to sleep. I'll carry you upstairs later."

 

"I can sleep in your bed again?"

 

Hearing the disbelief in Blair's voice surprises me. "You can sleep there for the rest of your life."

 

"Oh, man, that's sweet..." Blair smiles and closes his eyes. Maybe he'll have some pleasant dreams this time.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

During the night I lay awake. I carried Blair upstairs as promised and dressed him in some sweats before putting him to bed. Amazingly enough, he slept through it all. As I lie holding him, I know how lucky I am to have found him. He might be confused right now, but I'm sure we'll end up being best friends, even if he can't love me back.

 

The thing that worries me though is that he's already thinking about making love to me. He automatically assumed that he would be the one on the bottom. It's true; I love to top and I've never bottomed before, but there's a first for everything. If we ever progress to that point we'll have discuss this in depth. Blair stirs in his sleep and I continue to stroke his hair. I stopped caressing it a few minutes ago and it almost seems like he noticed it, asking me subconsciously to resume the caress again. "It's okay, sweetheart, you're safe, safe."

 

Blair calms down again and the stench of fear that was building fades again. I wish he'd agree to talk to a councilor, but he still refuses adamantly. I guess he's scared to fully face what happened to him.

 

I concentrate on my reading material again. Blair told me I could read his research on Sentinels and he even put the first chapters of his dissertation in my hands to read. I can't believe how much he knows of the subject. Everything I ever experienced is in his notes and there's more. The zone outs, as he calls them, are hard to control, but he believes that certain meditation techniques can help me achieve better control.

 

Then there's the idea of using a dial to control my senses. I visualize a dial and am shocked to learn that it works. Why couldn't I find him earlier? He can help me control the zone outs and teach me how to piggyback, now there's a strange term, my senses. I'm not going to try that concept without him being awake. I want him there to pull me from a zone out in case the experiment goes wrong. 

 

I put Blair's dissertation on the nightstand and leave the light on just in case he wakes up, feeling disorientated. I make myself comfortable and shift him about in my arms, making sure he can't leave the bed without me noticing. Closing my eyes I dial up my sense of smell and I almost zone out on his scent. Quickly I dial it down again. Damn, the dial works! This will make working in the field a lot easier and cuts down the chances of having a zone out during an investigation. Just wait until I tell Simon and Joel that Blair's already helping me deal with my senses. They'll be thrilled.

 

Listening to Blair's steady heartbeat I allow myself to drift off into sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

I'm running through the jungle. I've been here before and I know that when I look down I'll find myself in a sleek, feline form. In my dreams I turn into the jaguar and I enjoy running on four strong paws, smelling the rain from miles away and feeling the last sparkles of sunlight on my back. This is heaven. This is where I feel truly free.

 

Sometimes I run into some Chopec and they always bow respectfully. I tease them, jumping into the water, splashing them and then Incacha appears, shaking his head as if I'll never learn how to act like a true Sentinel.

 

It feels great, knowing what I am. A Sentinel. I'm sure Incacha called me that as well, maybe pronounced it slightly different, but he knew the word. If only I'd paid more attention, but the world held so much wonder at that point. My senses had just kicked in fully and I was zoning all the time. I'm not sure I would have survived without Incacha guiding me.

 

Yes! I jump over some fallen trees and my muscles twitch. Regaining my equilibrium, I slow down and lie down near the river, watching fish swim in the water. It's perfection and I don't ever want to leave again, but I know the scenery fades once the dream ends. Until then, I'll savor the sensation.

 

An unwelcome sound, coming from some bushes to my right, disrupts the serene scene and I get back to my feet... uh paws. My senses tell me that I'm no longer alone and I want to scare the intruder away. This is my spot and I earned some peace and quiet after a long day's work. "Show yourself." It still amazes me to hear my voice coming from the jaguar's mouth. Incacha tried to explain to me that everything is possible in the spirit world, but I never truly understood.

 

A gray wolf hesitantly leaves the cover of the bushes and comes to a halt in front of me, still maintaining a respectful distance. The wolf raises his head and I recognize the blue eyes that are staring back at me. But it can't be Blair! We're on the spirit plane! What is he doing here?

 

"Jim?"

 

I shake my head at hearing Blair's voice. "What are you doing here?"

 

"I don't know, man. I remember falling asleep in front of the TV and... did you carry me upstairs?"

 

I nod my head. "I did." Relaxing again, I lie down and let the grass tickle my belly. I grow curious, wondering how Blair found his way onto the spirit plane. Was I right about that connection? Is this his animal spirit? A wolf? Everything's possible.

 

"Man, this is weird. You're a big, black cat."

 

"Jaguar, Blair." I lick my paw and scratch behind my ear. Blair's pacing in front of me and getting on my nerves. "Lie down, sweetheart."

 

"I don't get it," Blair whispers and lies down at a distance. "What are we doing here and why am I wolf?"

 

"It happens when I'm tired," I explain. "I come here to build my energy again. I must have pulled you with me onto the spirit plane. Why you're a wolf? It's probably your animal spirit." Blair raises his left front paw and stares at it. "It isn't a hand, but at least it's whole."

 

"Yeah, I was wondering about that, but man, it's weird to walk on all fours!"

 

"Did you try running yet?" Maybe I'll take him running later.

 

"No, I found myself here and then I heard your voice, telling me to show myself." Blair bares his teeth and growls. "Cool."

 

"Blair..." I sigh, wondering what I got myself into. Blair rolls onto his back and rubs against the grass. 

 

"Man, this feels good. I hope I'll never forget this dream."

 

There's a lightness to his tone which I never heard before. It's almost like he's a different person. Then it hits me. Blair's injuries don't exist on this plane, he feels whole and is acting like he used to before Stevens got his filthy hands on him. I want to show him how beautiful things are on the spirit plane and rise from the earth. "I want to run."

 

"Sure, Jim. I'll just stay here and wait for you to return." Blair's licking his paw, staring at his claws. 

 

"No, you're coming with me."

 

"But Jim..."

 

My eyes probe his. "You don't need to feel insecure. We belong here. The spirit plane wants us here. Get to your feet, Blair. We're going to run." He sighs deeply but obeys. "Stay at my side," I instruct, walking towards him. I start to run slowly, giving him a chance to get used to running on all fours. It only takes him a few minutes to get the hang of it and he's running beside me.

 

"Jim, man... this is..." Words fail Blair.

 

I understand so well. I felt like that the first time I ran through the jungle. Blair's finally feeling free, feeling whole. The warm air moves through his fur and the moist earth beneath him sends strong vibrations into his body, telling him he belongs here. We belong here.

 

"Let's head back for the river. I want to take a bath." It will be fun chasing him in the water and splashing him. I want him to feel free, unburdened, welcome and loved, and maybe Blair will continue to feel like that too after he wakes up.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

"That was intense..." Blair whispers awed as he opens his eyes. "I still remember everything."

 

"So do I," I assure him and press a gentle kiss on the top of his head, which reminds that I really need to wash his hair. "So I take it you liked being a wolf?"

 

"What was that about, Jim? Why a wolf?"

 

"You'd have to ask Incacha. I don't know the answer to that question." Blair's in my arms. His head rests on my chest and he even draped a leg over mine. I never felt this close to him before and I cherish his moment. "Maybe we can go back one night." 

 

"I'd love that," Blair says honestly. "I felt so free and my ribs and hands were whole."

 

"In a few weeks' time you'll feel like that in real life too." I check on the time and realize it's time to get up. "What do you want to do? We don't have any commitments today."

 

Blair snuggles closer and averts his eyes. I wonder what he's thinking about. "Blair? Sweetheart? What's going on in that head of yours?"

 

"I was thinking... maybe you could call Chancellor Edwards... I want to know... need to know if I... If I can get back into the program. I worked so hard and... and I want to finish my dissertation. I don't want Ste... to ruin if for me."

 

The fact that Blair's trying to get his life back on tracks reassures me that he's determined to overcome his fears. "We can talk to them together. We found your textbooks, your research and the dissertation.

 

Getting back into the program is just a formality, Blair."

 

"I'm not that sure," he whispers, concerned.

 

"Why's that?"

 

"The Chancellor doesn't really like me. She never did, but things got worse after I accused Professor Grim of covering for the drugs dealers I saw on campus."

 

"I heard about that. Did you actually report it to the police? It wasn't in your file."

 

Blair licks his lips, nervously. "I did go to the cops to report it, but the officer I talked to said that my accusation wasn't a valid reason to start an investigation and he told me to go home and stop accusing innocent people. Somehow Chancellor Edwards learned that I talked to the cops and she came down hard on me. She told me that if I ever accused someone falsely again she'd terminate my teaching contract."

 

A dirty cop. It's the first thing that comes to mind after hearing Blair's story. Was this cop in league with Stevens? It's possible that Stevens had someone on the inside. It would explain why we had such a hard time nailing him. So that's it. We've got a traitor in our midst. "Blair, do you still remember his name?"

 

"The officer I spoke to? No, sorry, Jim."

 

"Would you recognize him?" I want to nail everyone who helped Stevens abuse these kids and get his designer drug onto the streets. We can't afford to let anyone get away.

 

"I think so. He was bald, had a black moustache and was overweight. It's not much, but..." 

 

"We'll find him," I promise. "Now let's get out of bed, wash your hair, clean you up and eat breakfast. After that I'm calling Simon and yes, we'll deal with Chancellor Edwards as well. We can do this, sweetheart." Looking into his eyes I find love staring back at me. Blair's in love with me... he just doesn't know it yet.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Sit down here." Blair gives me a puzzled look, but sits down on the kitchen chair that I carried into the bathroom. "I'm going to remove the bandages around your ribs. Don't worry," I say soothingly, seeing his eyes grow big. "I'll tape them again later." Tate gave me all the materials I need to take care of him. 

 

"Jim? Why are you filling up the bathtub?"

 

"Because you're taking a bath. It's the only way I can wash your hair." I've got this figured out. After removing the bandages I suppress my anger at seeing the bruises on his chest and back. "Get on your feet and hold on to me. Make sure your hands stay clear of the water."

 

Blair looks uncomfortable, feeling vulnerable now that he's completely naked. I lower him into the bathtub and relish hearing his sigh of deep contentment. "Does it feel good?" I ask teasingly.

 

Blair rests his hands on the sides of the bathtub, making sure the water can't reach them. His head rests against the head end of the tub and he sighs blissfully now that the warm water covers his body. "It's heaven, Jim."

 

I chuckle softly and reach for the shampoo. Massaging it into his hair, I work up a lather. Blair's eyes are closed and I can't remember seeing him this relaxed before. "I'm gonna rinse your hair," I say, announcing my next move. "Keep your eyes closed." After rinsing his hair I use plenty of the conditioner Simon picked up when I was at the hospital with Blair, thankful for his foresight. Untangling this mass of curls would be hell otherwise.

 

"Man, this feels so good!" Blair moans, delighted and opens his eyes again. "Thank you." 

 

"You're welcome," I say dismissively. "You don't have to thank me, sweetheart. I like doing this for you." I grab the soap and start washing his neck, chest and arms. "Want me to do the rest too?" I want his permission first.

 

"Yeah," he sighs softly. "I trust you."

 

Slowly, giving Blair a chance to grow accustomed to my touch, I help him sit upright and wash his back as well. Reaching Blair's groin area, I bite down a chuckle, finding him semi erect. It's the first time he's grown aroused since the rescue. Looking up at him, I realize he's blushing.

 

"Sorry," Blair whispers embarrassed.

 

"What are you sorry for? For being turned on?" I gently wash his scrotum; give his cock a teasing sweep and move on to his legs while monitoring his vital signs carefully. He's emitting pheromones! I can't believe he's reacting to my touch after everything he's been through. A soft sigh escapes Blair's lips and I lock eyes with him. His blue orbs are draped with desire and I can't help offering, "Want me to take care of that for you?"

 

"Would you?" Blair's eyes almost pop from their sockets and his breath is coming in spurts.

 

"I'd love to, but I've got to be sure you really want this." I don't know all the details of the things that Stevens did to him and I'm not taking any chances. "Do you want me to make you come?

 

"Yes," Blair admits hesitantly. "I want you to touch me, but..." 

 

"But what?"

 

"I feel like a bastard for using you in that manner." Blair averts his eyes.

 

"Care to explain that to me?" I don't know what to make of that statement.

 

"For using you to get off," Blair whispers shyly.

 

"Don't do this," I chide him. "I'm offering. You aren't forcing me to jerk you off." I've got to make him understand. "I want you to feel good, Blair, making you feel good makes me feel good."

 

That statement draws a smile from Blair and I chuckle, sliding my hand into the water. "Or do you want to do this on the couch?" Isn't the water getting too cold?

 

"No, here, before I... before I lose the courage to go through with this," he stutters.

 

Gently, my fingertips brush his cockhead and he bucks beneath the touch. "Just relax, sweetheart. Your ribs are still sore, so lemme do this, okay?"

 

"Okay..."

 

Blair's eyes are locked on my fingers and I stroke his cock gently, letting him know this will be a tender encounter. "You're so beautiful, sweetheart," I whisper. Beneath my fingertips I detect precum, which mingles with the water. "So beautiful" Briefly I consider rolling his nipple between my fingers, but I refrain from doing it, seeing how bruised the pierced nipple still is. I don't want to evoke any bad memories.

 

Blair's mumbling feverishly, mumbling nonsense and I smile warmly, feeling his balls draw up. He won't last much longer. "Can I kiss you, sweetheart?"

 

"Yes..."

 

I lean in closer and claim his lips, gently and slowly devouring them. His body tenses, reaching orgasm and I suck the tip of his tongue as he releases his come into the warm water. "Yes, that's it, sweetheart. You're so beautiful." Blair's eyes close briefly and then flutter open again to reveal tears.

 

"Jim, I..."

 

"There's no need for words, I know." I pull him close, making sure that I'm not putting any pressure on his ribs. "I love you, Blair... just hold on to that."

 

"I will," he sobs softly and collapses against me. Holding him, I wait for emotional storm to pass, vowing to protect him for the rest of my life.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

I'm still trembling. I can't believe Jim made me come! I can't believe I actually grew erect! How long has it been since I felt aroused? At least six months and he gives me a bath and my body begins to react to his tenderness. Oh man, I'm such a bastard!

 

"Blair? What are you thinking about? You look worried, sweetheart."

 

Jim sits down beside me on the couch and I shiver beneath the sweats I'm wearing. "The afghan?" I don't feel really cold, but I want to hide beneath the fabric. Jim gives me an odd look, but drapes the afghan over my knees, pulling it up to my shoulders. I really should apologize. "I'm s-sorry... J-jim." Fuck, the stutter's back.

 

"Blair, tell me this isn't about me letting you come..."

 

"It is! I... I s-shouldn't have used you l-like that!"

 

"You didn't use me, darling. I offered."

 

Jim doesn't understand and I don't know how to explain myself to him, but I owe it to him to try. "Ste...vens, he... m-made me... jerk him off. I d-didn't want t-to do it, but..." Suddenly strong arms fold around me and I've got to remind myself that it's Jim, not Stevens. Looking him in the eyes makes that easier, but I still fight back unpleasant memories of the times when I was restrained. "J-jim..."

 

"Don't dare compare yourself to that bastard, sweetheart," Jim says calmly. "He was a psychopath who got off from hurting you. You're the complete opposite, Blair. You're gentle and compassionate. You'd never abuse another person like that." Jim's eyes darken with emotion. "It's okay to be aroused, Blair. It's okay to like my touch. It's okay to come when I touch you. Nothing about that is wrong. You hear me?"

 

I nod my head, wishing I could believe him. "If that's true, then why do I feel guilty?"

 

"Because you've been through some very traumatic events and you need to heal, physically and emotionally. That takes time, but you took a major step today. For a few seconds you enjoyed sex again, didn't you?"

 

I blush. Well, sex... Jim jerked me off, but yeah, he's right. It was a sexual encounter.

 

"Blair, this is probably a really bad moment to bring this up, but Simon wants us to drop by at the station."

 

"What?" Jim can't be serious! "They k-know!" I stutter, embarrassed.

 

Jim understands. "Yes, they know what Stevens did to you, but trust me, they won't judge you. They like you, Blair. H panicked when you ran out on him... he panicked because he cares and so does Rafe. Don't even get me started on Joel, he really likes you and Simon? Simon's trying to hide he's got a soft spot for you. Trust us, Blair. We won't disappoint you."

 

How can I deny Jim a thing? "Okay, I'll come with you to the station." I just hope it will be a short visit. I don't feel up to it and I'm not sure I can bear the expression in their eyes. I know what they'll think; 'Look, that's Sandburg. Stevens had him for six months, raped him... Wonder if he got off from being fucked?'

 

"Blair?" 

 

"I need a moment, Jim..." I avoid his eyes and stare at my bandaged hands.

 

"I know Tate wants you to rest, but we need to identify the dirty cop that turned you in."

 

"What?" Surprised, my eyes find his.

 

"Didn't you ever ask yourself why Stevens kidnapped you? Why he kept you locked up for six months? Sweetheart, you knew too much. You reported the drug dealers on campus and we suspected for some time that Stevens had an inside man. We need you to ID the cop you talked to. Do you think you can do that? We'll show you some pictures and..."

 

"I can do it," I say steadfast. If I've got a chance to pay back the bastard who told Stevens about me and I will act on it. I don't want him to get away and ruin someone else's life. "I can do it."

 

"Thanks, sweetheart," Jim says softly. "I knew I could count on your strength."

 

I cringe beneath the afghan and hold onto Jim, drawing my courage from his strength.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I'm not sure I can do this. Yeah, I promised Jim to hang in there, but now that he's parking the truck I'm not that sure any longer. These cops know! They know what happened to me! How can I face them? I feel dirty, ashamed and embarrassed. Why the hell did I give in and let Jim drag me down here? Tate ordered bed rest and I know Jim would have given in if I'd reminded him of that fact, but I never brought it up. And now I'm here, at the PD.

 

Jim opens the car door and leaves the car. Before closing the door again, he whispers, "Are you coming, sweetheart?"

 

I wonder if he'll continue to call me that once we're inside. I don't think Jim will want the others to know he's in love with me. After all, Stevens raped me and... Fuck, I feel so used and dirty! I can't face them!

 

"Blair? What's going on?" Jim circled the car and is now opening the car door. "Talk to me." 

 

"I can't do it, can't face them, man, I can't!" I blurt out, losing the last semblance of control. My bandaged hands shake and I sit frozen, unable to meet his gaze. "I can't."

 

"Yes, you can," Jim says firmly. "No one's going to hold you responsible for Stevens' deeds. They know you didn't have a choice. Trust me, Blair. You already know a few people inside, Rafe, Henry, Joel and Simon. They want to help."

 

"You don't think there will be any condescending jokes? Jim, I... Stevens... they know he raped me!" Staring at the dashboard I try to control my raging emotions. "I don't want to see the disgust in their eyes."

 

"Blair, it won't be like that."

 

I'm too afraid to believe him and shake my head. I know how they'll react to my presence. I've seen it before. They'll crack cruel jokes about the longhaired fairy and laugh in my face. I'm not going in there!

 

Suddenly Jim's right hand settles against my cheek, gently raising my head. Jim, please, don't!

 

"Look at me? Please?"

 

I can't deny him and hesitantly meet his eyes.

 

"Give us this one chance? I know the people I work with. I know them well enough to know that they care and some of them are even downright concerned about you. You probably didn't hear Rafe call because you were asleep, but they're concerned all right. Give us a chance to prove ourselves to you?"

 

Mutely, I nod my head. I can't deny Jim a thing and he knows it. I lower myself out of the car and wince as my ribs ache, unaccustomed to this particular movement. Jim immediately steadies me and I feel relieved, knowing he'll be at my side no matter what happens next.

 

"This way, Chief."

 

Jim steers me towards the building, opens the door for me and guides me into the elevator. So far we haven't met anyone, but I know my luck won't last. On the second floor a woman joins us in the elevator. She greets Jim kindly and just nods at me, probably figuring I'm one of Jim's friends as he's standing rather close to me. After reaching the fourth floor she leaves us alone again and I sigh deeply. I can't go through with this! But then Jim's hand gently squeezes my shoulder. Damn, I can't let him down! I've got to do this for his sake!

 

And for my own, I suddenly realize. I want that dirty cop behind bars too. If what Jim suspects is true and the bastard told on me, Stevens only got to me because of this dirty cop!

 

The elevator comes to a stop and the doors open. Staying close to Jim, I follow him into the bullpen. I keep my head down and stare at the floor, reluctant to meet anyone's eyes, knowing only disgust will stare back at me.

 

"Blair! Hairboy!"

 

I flinch hearing my name and then wonder why the hell someone would call me 'Hairboy'!

 

"Hey, Blair, remember me?"

 

Oh yeah, I remember Henri Brown. I should probably apologize for running off like that. I recall his panicked expression as Rafe and Jim brought me back to the loft. For some elusive reason he seemed to feel guilty for letting me get away. Ha, like he could have done something to stop me! I had a panic attack and no one, save Jim, could have stopped me. "I'm s-sorry," I mumble, stuttering again. Will that damned stutter ever leave me again? I didn't use to stutter.

 

"Don't worry about it, Blair. I understand that seeing me, a stranger, upset you. I should have acted differently." Henri raises his hand and extends it. "Are we cool again?"

 

Swallowing a heavy lump that forms in my throat upon hearing Henri's words, I quickly nod my head. I can't believe he wants to be friends! He knows what Stevens did to me and yet he wants to touch me? Puzzled, I start to extend my hand, but then he remembers the bandages and squeezes my shoulder gently instead. "Friends," I mumble shyly.

 

"Ellison! My office!" Simon bellows and a smug grin appears on his face.

 

I hate the way I flinch again, but I can't help it; hearing him yell like that sparked a memory of Stevens yelling at me. My shoulders slump forward and I try to hide deeper beneath all the layers of clothes I'm wearing. Thankfully the scarf is hiding my face but by looking at Jim I can tell he noticed, probably smelled, that I'm scared.

 

"It's okay, Blair. Simon barks, but doesn't bite."

 

His words should reassure me, but they don't. I'm still too jumpy. I feel like Stevens, or a creep like him, can appear from out of nowhere and lock me up again. Quickly, I move closer to Jim and become his shadow as he walks towards Simon's office. I'm not sure I'm allowed in, but I'm going to try anyway. I'm not staying here alone!

 

"Jim," Simon starts, arches an eyebrow and then adds, "Blair, have a seat."

 

"It's safe to take off that scarf and coat, Chief."

 

Jim's not calling me sweetheart any longer, so I was right. He doesn't want them to know that he has feelings for me. Hell, I can't blame him! He's a cop and I guess the majority of the cops don't want gays on the force. I loosen the scarf a bit and then sit down in the corner, hoping they'll forget about me. Wishful thinking...

 

"Here, have a look at these, Blair." Simon uncovers a book and places them on his desk for me to look at. "After Jim described our man to me, I pulled the pictures of the cops that answer your description. I want you to look through them and see if you can ID our man."

 

"So you... you r-really think... he's the l-leak?" I surprise myself by finding the courage to ask that question. Jim takes hold of the book and places it on my lap, opening it.

 

"Want me to turn the pages for you?" Jim offers. 

 

"I w-want to t-try my...self..." Dozens of pics are staring back at me and I wonder how I'm supposed to ID the man I talked to. I was at his office ten minutes max. Moving my right hand, I manage to flip the page and feel victorious, finding I don't need help. Jim and Simon exchange a glance. It won't be long before they'll excuse themselves to discuss me in private. Briefly, I wish I had Sentinel senses so I could overhear their conversation.

 

"Blair, we'll be right back. You just keep going through those pictures," Jim says and sits on his heels in front of me. "You know you're safe here, surrounded by cops?"

 

"Yeah, I know," I admit and stare at the pictures, a stubborn expression in my eyes. Just get it over with and discuss the nutcase. It's not like I can run out of a building filled with cops without you guys noticing. Simon and Jim leave the office and I finally raise my eyes, fighting the forming tears in them. Peeking outside, I find that Joel, Rafe and Henry joined them. Great, now they're all discussing me.

 

Concentrate on the faces, I remind myself and turn my attention back to the pictures. Most of them are bold, some of them also have a moustache, but it's not the guy I talked to. It takes me longer to flip the page this time and I almost give in. Succeeding in the end, my eyes scan the other faces. Nope, it's not him.

 

I reach the last page and doubt we'll ever find the guy, but after turning the page his ugly visage suddenly stares back at me. That's him! That's the cop I talked to about the drug dealers! Excited, I rise from the chair and want to tell Jim that I found our man, but the book slips from my lap and bangs loudly onto the floor.

 

The door's slammed open and Jim storms inside. "Blair?"

 

"I'm okay, I just dropped it. I found him, Jim! I found him!"

 

"You did?" Jim gathers the book and puts it on Simon's desk.

 

"On the last page, Jim." Looking at the doorway, I find that Simon's walking inside as well. Rafe, Joel and Henry remain at the threshold, but are obviously curious.

 

"Jim, who is it?" Simon asks, taking his seat behind the desk again.

 

"Stuart Thomson. He's been with the force for four years now. I need to get his file from Records before I can give you more information." Jim turns around. "Blair. I'll be back in a few minutes. Stay here in Simon's office."

 

I nod my head, realizing Thomson might be in the same building. One never knows. "I'll stay put."

 

Jim leaves Simon's office in a hurry and Simon tells Rafe to close the door and to go back to work. I don't know how I feel about that. Jim said that Simon likes me, but I simply don't believe it. He's acting gruff and his jaw is set firm. He's probably annoyed that Jim told me to stay here, wishing I had left the office as well. Now he's stuck with me.

 

"You're looking better, kid."

 

The unexpected sound of Simon's voice startles me. I expected him to ignore me. "I feel better... sir," I add hesitantly, uncertain how to address him. After all, he's captain!

 

"Jim's taking good care of you," Simon observes.

 

"Yes." I grow quiet again, unsure how to continue. Maybe he's just being polite.

 

"You like him, don't you?"

 

Uh, how to answer that question? "Yeah, I do, sir."

 

"Drop the sir, kid. Name's Simon."

 

"Thank you, S-simon," I stutter, wondering why he's being this friendly.

 

"He told me about your research on Sentinels," Simon continues. "He's already using that dial to turn up and down his senses."

 

"He is?" Now why didn't Jim tell me?

 

"Jim has had a hard time coming to terms with his senses. He managed to gain some control over them but these spells... these zone outs as you call them really immobilize him and then he's a sitting target."

 

"I'll try to help him," I promise at once. "It's just..." I'm still battling ugly memories and can't concentrate on Jim's problems fully yet.

 

"I'm not sending him into the field alone," Simon says quickly. "Joel's always there to watch his back."

 

"I'm relieved to hear that," I whisper absentmindedly, staring at the picture of Thomson once more. "What's going to happen next?"

 

"We'll gather some information on him, watch him and see what happens." Simon grins. "If he's our guy he'll make a mistake."

 

"I'm sure I talked to him," I whisper shyly.

 

Simon nods his head. "Thanks for coming in, Blair. I know you're still recuperating and this must be exhausting."

 

It surprises me that Simon's concerned about my well being and I blush slightly, wondering why these cops care about me. The door opens again and I freeze, but then I relax, seeing it's Jim. He's carrying a file, which he places on the desk in front of Simon.

 

"IA investigated Thomson one year ago. Thomson received large sums of money on his bank account and failed to explain its origin. But IA couldn't prove he was dirty and he got off the hook." Jim crosses his arms in front of his chest. "They were so close and let him go again!"

 

I see the frustration in Jim's eyes. Is he thinking the same thing I am? That if IA had found prove that he was dirty that Thomson would never have told Stevens about me? That if IA had arrested Thomson I would have been safe? Thinking like that is too tempting. I can't turn back the clock and I've got to learn to live with the things that happened to me.

 

"Can we go home now?" I mouth the words, knowing Simon can't hear them, but a Sentinel can. Jim gives me a concerned look and doesn't seem to like what he's reading in my eyes and he frowns. Please say yes, I pray privately.

 

"Simon, do you need me here? Blair looks tired and I want to get him home. He's under doctor's order to rest and I dragged him to Rafe's place yesterday and here today. It's wearing him down."

 

"Jim, take the kid back to the loft. I'll see what I can find on Thomson and let you know when we're going to make our move." Simon lights one of his cigars and nods his head. "Go on, Jim, get him out of here."

 

"Thanks, Simon," Jim says and walks over to the doorway. "Are you coming, Chief?"

 

Slowly, I rise from the chair, wondering when my ribs will stop acting up with every move I make. I shuffle over to Jim, feeling tired to the bone. I just want to lie down and fall asleep. Jim must have noticed because his arm's around my waist, supporting me as I make my way into the bullpen. I avoid everyone's eyes, although they softly call, "Bye Blair," and, "See you later, Hairboy." They sound friendly and genuinely concerned.

 

"Jim, please get me outta here," I mumble, confused. Their reactions to my visit make me feel lost and I can't understand why they seem pleased to see me. "Just take me home?"

 

"Yes, home it is, sweetheart."

 

Looking at Jim, I find him smiling smugly. Maybe it's because I referred to the loft as home? I'm too tired to figure it out.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Curled up on the couch I let go of my worries and relax, blissfully tucked away beneath the afghan Jim covered me with. He's rummaging in the kitchen, preparing dinner. I watch him methodically chop the vegetables and boil the water for the pasta and suddenly I realize that I've never felt safer in my entire life.

 

Naomi never made me feel like this, but Jim does. I like being close to him, like sleeping curled up next to him, so what does that tell me about my feelings? Do I love him? Yeah, I'm falling in love with him all right. After all the things that Stevens did to me I was so sure that I would never fall for a man again and yet I'm falling in love with Jim.

 

"Jim?" I whisper his name, knowing his Sentinel senses can easily pick up on it.

 

"Yes, sweetheart?" Jim turns around and smiles.

 

"Are you serious about me staying here?"

 

"Yes, why?" He leans against the wall, waiting patiently.

 

"Because I'd like to stay..." Within seconds Jim covers the distance between us and he's sitting on his heels in front of me.

 

"Blair, what are you trying to tell me?"

 

Jim's eyes are impossibly big and I gather my courage. "I think I'm falling in love with you and no, it's not hero worship." I lick my dry lips. "I'd like to stay with you, but do you know what you're getting yourself into? I'm a headcase, Jim."

 

Jim smiles warmly. "I told you before that healing takes time, Blair. You're not a headcase; you're a survivor. We'll do this together."

 

My hand trembles as I cup his cheek. "Where does that leave me? Us?"

 

"You're going back to Rainier and finish your dissertation. I'll back you up all the way, sweetheart. I want you in my life."

 

Looking deeply into Jim's eyes, I realize he's speaking the truth. "I don't think I'm ready for... you know... for sex." Jim raises his hand and caresses my face. "I know you told me you could wait until I'm healed, emotionally and physically, but it still feels unfair."

 

"It's only unfair to you, Blair that you suffered at Stevens' hands. Trust me, we can make things work." 

 

"Jim, I think I love you," I whisper shyly and avoid his eyes. Actually saying the words makes it more real.

 

Jim smiles brilliantly. "I love you too, sweetheart."

 

I rest my head on his shoulder; soaking up his strength and make it mine.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

"No, don't touch me! Leave me alone! I don't even know you! Please, don't..." I'm thrashing in bed, precariously balancing between sleep and waking up. Stevens' hands are everywhere, pinching my bruised nipple, tugging at the nipple ring and then they slip between my buttocks, spreading them wide. A hard cock nudges against my opening and my stomach contracts, knowing pain will follow. I retch. Dry heaves torment my throat and I freeze while Stevens pushes inside, forcing his way into me. "No! Please, it hurts!"

 

"Blair, wake up, babe. You're having another nightmare!"

 

Jim's voice penetrates the deep recesses of my mind, but the nightmare is too brutal, too real. I continue to retch and suddenly Stevens' moves, now pushing his leaking cock into my mouth. He pinches my noose shut so I have to go down on him in order to breathe. I'm suffocating, struggling to take in another breath.

 

"Blair, open your eyes. Please, you're scaring me!" 

 

Strong hands shake me, reminded me of all the beatings I took and my eyes flash open. Completely disorientated, I struggle free, fall off the bed and land on my butt. The impact sends a wave of pain up my ribs. Tears spring from my eyes and I curl up into a tight ball. Oh no, I had another nightmare! I can hear Jim moving about, leaving the bed and joining me on the floor.

 

"You can't go on like this, sweetheart, please talk to me. You can't keep it all inside. It won't work."

 

Seconds later two strong arms gather me up from the floor and deposit me back in the center of the bed. I keep my eyes tightly closed, unable to bear the disgust I'll see in Jim's eyes. Man, I'm making it impossible for him to sleep at night. All I do is cry like a baby! Stevens reduced to me this!

 

"Look at me, Blair. Please?"

 

Unable to resist the pleading tone, I allow my eyes to open. I'm still curled up in a fetal position and Jim has curled his body around mine. His closeness should send shivers of fear and terror through my mind, but I only feel safe in his arms. "S-sorry."

 

"Blair, you need to tell me about these nightmares. I know you don't want to see a councilor to discuss this, but you've got to talk to someone." Jim's eyes plead for understanding. "I can only help you if I know what we're up against."

 

I know he's right, but how can I tell him all the disgusting details? "You'll l-loathe... the s-sight of m-me."

 

"I won't. Have a little faith in me, Blair."

 

Jim's rocking me slowly and it feels good to be in his arms. I'm grateful that he's wearing a shirt and sweats for I can't bear to feel his bare skin against mine. That sensation still freaks me out. "I can't... t-tell you."

 

"What if I asked questions?" Jim cocks his head. "Look at me, babe."

 

I obey and meet his eyes. "Ask." I don't think I can do this, but I have to try. If I want us to have a relationship I'll have to overcome my fears. I'll have to risk Jim loathing me when learning about all the things Stevens did to me. I wonder how much longer I'll be in his arms. I'll find myself back on my butt on the floor in no time once he realizes what he allowed into his bed.

 

"What happened after Stevens captured you?"

 

I release the breath I've been holding. That's a fairly easy question to start with. "Stripped... m-me." 

 

"And then?"

 

"B-beat me up...because I t-talked b-back to him." My memories are much too vivid and I remember the beating in excruciating detail. "His m-men beat m-me up until I couldn't s-stand. Then he joined in and f-finished the j-job."

 

"Then what?"

 

"They d-dragged me downstairs and l-locked me up. I was n-naked, bleeding and my head hurt." Please, Jim, I don't want to talk about the next part. I can't do this!

 

"What happened after the beating, baby?"

 

Jim's right hand is rubbing soothingly across my back and against my will I relax in his arms. He deserves to know what happened so he can make his decision whether he wants me in his life or not. "Ste...vens returned. They handcuffed me to the b-bed and... cuffed m-my feet as well. I w-was on my s-tomach and helpless. S-suddenly... suddenly... something cold... he p-pushed a b-butt... plug up m-my ass and then l-left... He l-left after l-laughing at me..." Jim's arms tighten around me, but I still refuse to lock eyes with him, keeping mine tightly shut. I'll lose the little courage I have when seeing the disgust in his eyes. He wants me to finish this, so I better continue. "He r-returned hours l-later. I felt so s-sore at that p-point. I ne... never used toys on myself be...fore and... he p-pulled it out and... the p-pain... I w-wasn't prepared when... when he..."

 

"Say it, Blair," Jim whispers softly.

 

"When he shoved his dick up my ass!" I scream the words; scream them against Jim's chest. The stutter's gone as anger and pain take over. "I couldn't stop him! I tried, I promise I tried, Jim, but I couldn't move and he rested his body on me! I couldn't move..." Ashamed that I'm sobbing again I pinch my eyes tightly shut. "That first night... he came back each hour and raped me. When he couldn't get it up he used a dildo to fuck me. I was so sore, dazed and... I didn't know what was happening or why and..."

 

"Shst," Jim whispers and continues the rocking motion. "Let it out, babe, tell me everything." 

 

I'm rocking hard in his arms, almost thrashing. Now that the gates have opened I can't hold back. "The door would open and Stevens would walk inside, head for the bed, unzip his trousers and take me. He didn't even use lube. After raping me he left again. I was bleeding, felt the blood drip down my thigh... When he returned again he said I was too messy and told them to roll me onto my back, restraining me again. He sat on my chest... that hurt so bad because of my ribs and... told me to open my mouth..."

 

"It's okay, you're safe now. Just let it out, trust me. I'm here for you."

 

Jim's reassuring words are just what I need to hear and I blurt out the rest. "He forced me to deepthroat him. I gagged a few times, even threw up on him once, but he didn't care. When I became nauseous he ordered them to flip me over and fucked me again. Sometimes, he brought a whip and... he always scratched my back. He had damned long fingernails and..." I can't bear to remember this! My God, why's Jim still holding me? I expected him to push me away.

 

"Tell me the rest as well, Blair."

 

Jim's moving, rolling me on top of him and establishes a tight hold on me. I should freak out, feeling restrained like this, but I don't. I cling to him for dear life. "After some time he got bored and things changed. One time he broke my fingers, one by one until I passed out and..."

 

"Yes...?"

 

Jim's massaging my scalp, running his fingers gently through my hair, calming me down. "You know what the worst thing was?"

 

"No, babe, I don't know. Tell me."

 

Jim's lips brush against my brow, pressing a gentle kiss onto my skin. How can he stand touching me now that he knows what a whore I am? "One time I was so doped with drugs that they undid the restraints and I could have fought him off, but I didn't. The room was spinning and... they placed me in his lap and... I had to push down; otherwise I would have lost my balance and hit the floor. I impaled myself on his cock, I did! And... he told me I was a slut, a fucking whore and that I wanted to be fucked, that he'd keep me for his personal pleasure and then he began to thrust. My ribs, they hurt so badly! He spread my buttocks and drove himself deeper in to me. I..." I can't believe I remember that encounter so vividly, having being drugged.

 

"Finish it, Blair," Jim's soft voice echoes through the room.

 

"He curled his fingers around my dick and I got hard. I got hard! That proved his point. I must have wanted it badly, why else would I react like that? I came... came while he was fucking me and I... I'm a whore..."

 

"You're not a whore, Blair. He manipulated your body, used it against you."

 

Jim's words pull me from my memories and I listen closely. I'm shaking like a leave and can't believe I'm lying on top of him, settled between his thighs. Why am I not scared? Because I don't fear him. I only fear Stevens. I peek at his eyes and find them swimming with tears. What? Is he crying? Can't be! But he is, and I stare at the single tear that makes its way down his left cheek and then drips from his chin. "Why are you crying?" My tears dried up, remembering I got off as well when Stevens raped me. I don't deserve to cry for myself. 

 

Jim wipes away the tear and tucks my head beneath his chin, holding me tight. What the hell's going on? Why isn't he telling me to leave his bed? Why is he still holding me? "I'm sorry, you know, sorry for leading you on."

 

"What?"

 

Jim's alarmed tone makes me look up and I seriously expect him to roll away from me, but he doesn't. Instead, his fingertips wipe my tears away as well. "Sorry, for leading you on," I repeat. "You probably thought I was an innocent victim and now you find out that I wanted it."

 

"BLAIR! Don't give me that crap! You didn't want to be raped."

 

Jim's eyes change expression and I'm not sure what emotion is staring back at me. There are too many mixed up in those blue orbs. "I got off. I came."

 

"He jerked you off and your body reacted. Blair, he wanted to feel you come, feel you contract around his cock. He used you in the worst way possible. You didn't want any part of it. He'd already raped you and... Damn it, Blair, you're the victim here, not his whore!"

 

This conversation is draining me and I start to pull away from him. I knew he wouldn't understand. "I'd better leave now." But I've got no place to go.

 

"Oh no, you don't. You're staying right here!"

 

His hold tightens and panic begins to build in my stomach. I feel nauseous, remembering Stevens holding me down. "Let go, lemme go!"

 

"No, you'll listen to me!"

 

Jim sits upright, pulls me with him and I end up in his lap, head draped on his shoulder, curled up.

 

"Please, Jim, lemme go."

 

"Stevens raped you. You fought him to the best of your abilities. The bastard shot you up with drugs. He used your body against you, but you survived. He didn't break you. Say the words, Blair. Repeat them. Stevens raped me, say them!"

 

"Stvnsrpdm!" I blurt out, swallowing most vowels. I can't believe he's making me do this!

 

"He shot me up with drugs... but didn't break me."

 

"Hshtmpwthdrgs." I'm thrashing in his arms, realizing he's speaking the truth. "But d-didn't b-break m-me..." I didn't want to be raped, didn't want to get off on it. Jim's right! I didn't deserve any of it! "He raped me, the bastard raped me! He hurt me, hurt me so bad... I want the pain to go away, Jim."

 

"It will in time, sweetheart."

 

Jim's rocking me again and I sob softly against his chest. Finally letting everything out makes me feel lightheaded. "I can't stop remembering, Jim. Every time you touch me, I feel his hands on me and... I used to love sex, but now... I'm not sure I can ever have sex again."

 

"Hey, don't worry about that," Jim's voice softens and so does his eyes. "Remember this morning when I made you come? You'll enjoy sex again, but it will take time. You know that rape is about power and control. He used rape to destroy you. You need to give yourself time to heal."

 

I nod my head against his shoulder. "Hold me?"

 

"I thought I was already doing that," Jim chuckles, relieved.

 

"All through the night?"

 

"Of course I will. You don't have to ask."

 

"Jim, about this morning... about making me come..." I hesitate to continue.

 

"Yeah, what about it?" Jim raises his head and our eyes lock.

 

"I didn't have a flashback. I... wanted you to touch me and make me come. I didn't think I could ever enjoy that again and yet..."

 

"What are saying, Blair?" A cautious expression appears in Jim's eyes.

 

"Would you... would you make me come again?"

 

"Now?"

 

I shake my head. "No, not now... I still feel Stevens' hands on me, but maybe when... when I'm in the right mood?" I bite my lip. "I'd return the favor. Don't want to take advantage of you."

 

"Blair, answer me this. Do you love me?"

 

I never expected that question, but answer it. "Yeah, I do." I tremble against him, wondering what kind of lover Jim is. Hah, like I'm ever going to find out. A handjob doesn't begin to compare to making love and I'm sure he won't ever want to have sex with me. Not after Stevens already fucked me. I don't know what I asking... maybe some sort of sexual exorcism? Replace all the bad memories with good ones? In my heart I know it won't be that easy, but I need to start taking my first steps towards recovery. No shrink can help me; I need to do that myself.

 

"What is it, babe?" Jim gives me a concerned look.

 

"Would you... would you..." I can't say the words; I'm too embarrassed for wanting this. 

 

"What?" Smiling, Jim presses another kiss against my brow and I begin to relax.

 

"I want to touch you... may I?"

 

"Touch me?" Jim's brow grows furrowed.

 

"I know, my hands are bandaged, but... I want to feel your skin," my voice trails off and only a Sentinel could hear the words.

 

"You want me to strip?" A lost expression appears on Jim's face. "Blair, don't push yourself."

 

It's obvious he thinks it's too soon and I shut up. I don't want to push this matter.

 

"Blair? I'm not refusing you, it's just... I worry, okay?"

 

I nod my head once. "I understand, it's just... I feel safe with you."

 

Jim frowns. "Blair, what do you want me to do?"

 

"Take off your shirt?" I don't understand my feelings any longer. When I woke up I was glad he was wearing clothes and now I want him out of them. "I know it doesn't make sense, but it's something I really want." Unable to meet his gaze, I concentrate on my bandaged hands.

 

"Blair, is this true? Do you really want me to take off my shirt?" Uncertainty colors Jim's tone.

 

"Yeah," I mumble, barely audible.

 

"Okay then, but I've got to let you go first."

 

Jim lets go of me and I sit upright, staring at the sheet. I simply don't have the courage to look at him. Soft rustle of fabric tells me that he's taking off his shirt and I hold my breath, seeing his washboard abdomen. Slowly, my gaze travels higher. Jim's perfect, his abs are perfect, his chest, his biceps, everything's perfect. Only one scar stands out, but even the scar adds to the perfection. How can such a man want me?

 

"Blair?" Jim raises an eyebrow, obviously worried about my reaction.

 

"You're perfect, Jim." I've seen my own abused body and it doesn't begin to compare to his. If my hands weren't bandaged I'd be tempted to rest one on his chest, hoping it would register his heartbeat beneath my fingertips, but I can't do that.

 

"Blair? Talk to me. What's going on?" Jim's reaching for the shirt again, ready to put it back on if I say so.

 

"Can I... can I touch you?" Speaking those words makes me feel embarrassed and excited at the same time. I'm at a loss. My feelings are going haywire and Jim's confused expression doesn't help. I remain motionless, waiting for his answer.

 

"Yeah, sure you can touch me, but Blair..."

 

I rest my head against his skin and rub my cheek against the well-defined chest. "You must work out a lot."

 

"I do," Jim whispers softly. "Is this what you had in mind?"

 

"Is this okay with you? If not, you can put your shirt back on. I don't want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable."

 

Jim laughs warmly and pulls me down with him until we're lying down. I snuggle up to him, rest my bandaged hands on his abdomen and continue to caress his skin by moving my cheek over his chest. "Yeah, this is what I want." I'm not ready for more.

 

"Want to go to sleep like this?"

 

"Can we?" I look up at him and see a relaxed smile on his handsome face. Does he really want me or is this just pity on his part?

 

"Then go back to sleep, Blair."

 

His arms settle around me again, cradling me and creating an incredible sense of safety. I'm safe in his arms. No one can hurt me as long as I'm in his arms. Maybe if I repeat it enough times it'll calm me down. I believe it, yes, but... I'm still afraid he'll realize he doesn't want damaged goods and then what? Then I will crumble.

 

Jim pulls up the comforter, covers us and kisses the top of my head. I love it when he does that. There's so much affection, love in that caress that it takes away some of the pain and shame. "Thanks, Jim."

 

A soft chuckle leaves Jim's lips and I love hearing it. "I mean it, thanks for being there for me." No one has ever loved me unconditionally. Not even Naomi.

 

"Close your eyes and have nice thoughts, babe."

 

Nice thoughts? Let's get real here. I'll probably have nightmares about Stevens for the rest of my life. Nice thoughts? Don't count on it, Jim, but I'll try. Closing my eyes, I inhale his scent. Jim's close and he'll keep me safe. He's a Sentinel and will hear an intruder breaking into the loft. Yes, he'll keep me safe... safe...

 

Dozing off, I cling to Jim and give into sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim

 

Staring at the ceiling I try to control my raging emotions. Usually I try to ignore them, but what happened tonight is too important to ignore. Blair opened up to me. He finally told me what that bastard did to him and it makes my blood boil.

 

Blair's head still rests on my chest and his curls softly caress my skin with every breath he takes. He admitted to his fears and his pain and I hope that some sort of cathartic release will follow. He's sound asleep now and I hope the nightmares will leave him alone for the rest of the night.

 

Stevens... I want to kill that fucker for what he did to Blair. During all the time I spend in the army and on the force I never felt such a desperate urge to take a life. But Stevens... God help him if I ever get my hands on him and no, it won't be a quick and easy death. I'll use every trick I know to prolong his suffering.

 

My God... the things he did to Blair, the things he told him! It almost sounds like he was trying to brainwash Blair, convincing him that he wanted to be raped, that he deserved it! And then jerking Blair off to make him come! Fuck, of course his body will react! Of course he'll grow hard and come! He can't help it!

 

If Blair weren't snuggled close to me I'd jump out of bed and find myself a punching bag to release my anger on. I prefer Stevens' head, but the fucker's in jail so I can't get to him. Thomson would do nicely as well, but I can't leave Blair. He looks so peaceful, so relaxed right now. Telling me everything must have drained him.

 

Stroking his hair, I mumble softly; mumble nonsense words into his ear to assure him I'm close. I've never felt this lost before. I've never been in love like this. I want him to heal. I want him to be able to understand what Stevens did to him and why the scumbag did it, but Blair's blaming himself and isn't really listening. I know he needs time, but it hurts to see him panicking and feeling guilty and ashamed.

 

I listen to his steady heartbeat. The nightmares aren't returning and I hope my presence will keep them away. Hold on... what if I use my connection to the spirit plane to keep them away? Can the power of my animal spirit keep them at bay? I can try.

 

Closing my eyes I wait for sleep to claim me and when it does I allow the jaguar to run free in search of the wolf.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Blair!" Running through the jungle I hear a wolf growl softly. Suddenly he's in front of me and I walk towards him to lick his head. "Blair, I've been searching for you."

 

"And now you found me."

 

He sounds a lot more subdued than the last time we spoke. He bows his head while walking next to me and his eyes are dull and glazed. "Blair? What's wrong?" As long as he's here the nightmares can't get to him. The wolf lies down as we reach the river and I lay down at his chest, touching him, curling myself protectively around him. He allows it and closes his eyes.

 

I rest one paw on his back, softly rubbing it. "Talk to me, babe."

 

"You're perfect... how can you want me?" Big blue eyes open and reveal shame and puzzlement.

 

"Perfect? I'm perfect? Oh, Blair, you've got no idea... I'm not perfect." I lick his nose and soft giggling echoes around me. "I love you; that's why I want you. Whenever you're close I feel in sync with my heightened senses. You complete me. That's why I want you and..." Suddenly I realize why he's asking this. "I feel your pain; I share it, but Stevens won't keep me from loving you. You simply have to accept that I'm here to stay."

 

Tears leave his eyes and he sobs softly. "Blair, try to rest. You've had nothing but nightmares and you need to sleep. Close your eyes and let me watch over you." Blair obeys and closes his eyes. "That's it," I say encouragingly and watch him settle down for the night. Curled up next to him, I guard his sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sunlight falls through the loft window and wakes me up. I've had a good night's sleep and I know Blair has had a restful night as well. We stayed on the spirit plane the entire night and the nightmares didn't reach him there. Maybe if we stay there a few more nights he'll grow strong enough to fight the nightmares off himself, but for now he needs my help.

 

As I open my eyes, I stare into Blair's. "Good morning, sweetheart. You slept well, didn't you?"

 

Blair nods his head. "Thanks to you." Then his eyes close briefly and he takes a deep breath. "I'm really sorry for freaking out like that last night. I can't believe I told you what Stevens did to me. Honestly, I never wanted you to find out."

 

"Why?" I push some stay locks behind his ear. I want to see his eyes and read the truth in them.

 

"I feel... less than a man... weak and helpless," Blair admits, growing pale. "I couldn't fight him off. I never thought I would get raped, being a man. I only heard of women being raped. I never thought it could happen to me. I'm so stupid."

 

I lick my lips and choose my words carefully. "Blair, the sad truth is that men get raped. They may be the minority, but it happens. They hardly ever report the crime and I suspect the group is much larger than we think. But Blair, I don't think of you as less than a man. I think you're a very brave soul, kind and gentle and I love you."

 

Blair smiles weakly. "If you say it enough times I might start to believe it."

 

"I love you, baby. I'll say it a million times if that helps you accept my love for you, but..." My stomach growls hungrily. "I need to get breakfast ready. Stay in bed a few minutes longer? I want to call Simon first and find out if Thomson's in custody yet."

 

"Sure, I'll stay in bed." Blair yawns and his eyes close again.

 

I get out of bed and tuck the comforter around him. "I'll be back in ten."

 

"That's okay, don't hurry. I'm comfortable here."

 

I smile and descend the stairs. After picking up my cell phone I dial Simon's number. It's nine thirty and he should be at the PD by now.

 

"Banks..."

 

"Simon, it's Jim."

 

"Jim, good thing you called. We've been searching for Thomson all night, but he's gone. Someone must have warned him. He's probably left Cascade by now, but we'll keep on searching for him. By the way, how's the kid?"

 

"He had a breakdown last night. The nightmares got to him and he told me what Stevens did to him. He seems better this morning, but I don't think I'll come in today."

 

"I understand, Jim. Listen, IA wants to talk to you tomorrow afternoon. They have got some questions about you taking down Stevens' twin brother. Want me to arrange for a uniformed guard that can keep an eye on the kid?"

 

"Thanks, Simon, I'd appreciate that. I'll be there tomorrow afternoon. Keep me updated? I want to know the moment Thomson is arrested."

 

"I'll keep in touch," Simon promises. "Take good care of the kid. You know that Joel, Brown and Rafe want to visit? I told them no for now, but you might be getting some calls in the next few days. Brown still feels bad for letting Blair get away."

 

"It wasn't his fault. Blair panicked. Running away was his gut instinct and he won't do it again... that reminds me, I'd better get breakfast ready."

 

"I'll call you tonight to let you know what's happening at the station."

 

I say goodbye to Simon and terminate the call. I head for the bathroom first, setting a new speed record for taking a shower. Within five minutes I'm back in the kitchen, switching on the coffeemaker and setting the table. Once everything's ready, I head back upstairs.

 

Blair's awake; his blue eyes stare back at me. "What do you want to do first? Take another bath or eat?" I want him to be in control after having been helpless for so long.

 

"Eat," Blair whispers eventually.

 

I push down the comforter and help him to his feet. The black circles beneath his eyes are growing deeper, but hopefully things will change after tonight. Now I know how to help him sleep peacefully. Surprised, I feel his arm come up against my waist and I smile warmly. Together, we make our way down and I sit him down at the kitchen table. "Still sore?" I inquire curiously.

 

"No, the discomfort's gone." Blair blushes.

 

"You were very brave yesterday, Blair," I remind him. I know how scared he was to let Tate examine him. "You are getting better." I raise the spoon to his lips and he chews the cereal obediently. I help him eat breakfast in silence and notice the looks he's giving me. I decide to ignore them; Blair will tell me once he's ready.

 

"Do you think we can... I can... I should call Chancellor Edwards at Rainier and let her know I'm still alive and want to get back into the program."

 

"I can call her later today, no problem." I offer him the herbal tea he seems to like and then address another subject. "Thomson's on the run. Simon wants us to be careful. Thomson probably left Cascade, but you never know."

 

"You think he's coming here?" Blair's shaking again.

 

"No, he has no idea you're with me and he doesn't know where I live." I eat my own breakfast and watch Blair closely. "Are you ready for that bath now?" To my surprise, he blushes fiercely. "Blair?"

 

"I was just thinking about... you know... making me come..." Blair's staring at his hands. 

 

I smile and walk over to the bathroom to fill up the bathtub. I remember last night's conversation vividly; Blair asked me if I'd mind making him come again, but I'm not bringing that up. We'll see what happens. "Are you coming?"

 

Slowly, Blair makes his way into the bathroom. "I need help," he admits embarrassed.

 

I help him take off the shirt and pants and then curl my arm around him. "The bruising doesn't look that bad today. It's getting better." I sit him down on the chair and remove the bandages that support his ribs.

 

"Remember; make sure your hands stay clear of the water."

 

I lower Blair into the bathtub and repeat yesterday's ritual. First I wash and rinse his hair, then his body. This time Blair shows no signs of arousal and after helping him to his feet I use a fluffy towel to dry his skin. "I need to buy you some clothes later."

 

"I should still have some money on my back account, but..."

 

"Don't worry about it." I help him into my robe and walk him back to the couch. "Tate ordered bed rest, remember?" I turn on the radio and on oldies station comes on. "Fine?"

 

"Fine."

 

Blair seems relaxed and I feel his eyes on me as I walk through the room to collect my cell phone. "What's the Chancellor's number?"

 

"You're gonna call her now?" Blair grows restless and tries to sit up.

 

I curse myself and sit down beside him. "Rest, remember?" Blair lies down again, but a feverish gleam appears in his eyes as he gives me her number. "Lemme do the talking." Blair shakes his head, but doesn't protest. Her secretary answers my call and she puts me through to the Chancellor.

 

"Chancellor Edwards."

 

Her icy tone freezes the blood in my veins. "I'm Jim Ellison and I'm with the Major Crimes Unit."

 

"How can I help?" Her icy tone grows colder.

 

I really don't like this woman. Something about her sets off my alarms. "I'm calling on behalf of Blair Sandburg." Looking at Blair, I notice how tense he is. Don't worry, buddy. We'll do this together.

 

"Blair Sandburg? Oh yes, I remember him."

 

That settles it. I really, really don't like her. "You should. He's a TA that went missing six months ago Someone at Rainier reported him missing." 

 

"That must have been Doctor Stoddard. He visited briefly and wanted to talk to Mister Sandburg, who couldn't be found. He went against my wishes and reported Blair Sandburg missing. So, tell me, where has he been hiding this last half year?"

 

Something inside me snaps. "Mister Sandburg was kidnapped six months ago. He's still recovering from his injuries." Blair winces on the couch, but I ignore him, needing my wits in dealing with this woman. "He wants to reapply for admission to the program. His research material and the first chapters to his dissertation have been salvaged and can be presented to you at any given time."

 

"I terminated Blair Sandburg's contract a few months ago after he failed to show up for his classes." Chancellor Edwards pauses. "And then there's the matter of him incriminating Professor Grim. I just don't think Rainier is the best place for Blair right now. Maybe another university..."

 

"I want you to set up a meeting with the graduate coordinator for the department, the department chairman, and the chairman of his dissertation committee. Blair will present his research and you'll admit him back into the program. I'm sure Rainier doesn't want any bad publicity and believe me, when he tells the media that you're refusing him back into the program the press will quickly pick up on it."

 

Blair's staring at me, mouth wide agape. What, does he think I don't know what snake pits universities are? I still remember the hard time they gave Stephen and me when we tried to get our degree.

 

"I don't like your tone, Mister Ellison."

 

"That's Detective Ellison."

 

"Detective Ellison. I want to see Blair in my office next Monday at one. If he doesn't show up, I'll take that as a sign that he's no longer pursuing a degree at Rainier. If he does show up, he'd better have the first chapters of dissertation with him." 

 

"Oh, he'll be there and so will I. Goodbye, Miss Edwards."

 

"That's Chancellor Edwards to you."

 

"Goodbye, Miss Edwards," I repeat stubbornly and end the conversation.

 

"Told you," Blair mumbles, ill at ease. "So won't let me back into the program. She hates my guts!"

 

"You've got an appointment on Monday at one. That leaves you five days to prepare."

 

"Jim! Look at me, man! How can I present my dissertation like this?" Blair raises his hands in a helpless gesture.

 

"We'll find a way." I place the phone back on the coffee table and make Blair lie down again. "I've got to get some groceries and clothes that actually fit you. I'll be gone for one hour. Can you handle that or do you want me to call one of the guys at the station?"

 

"No, I can handle it."

 

Nodding my head, I collect his meds from the kitchen. "You should take these after breakfast."

 

"I don't want to. They make me drowsy."

 

"Take them, Blair." I place the pills onto his tongue and the glass against his lips. He swallows them and I help him lie down again. Within minutes, he'll start to doze off. "I can carry you back upstairs if you're more comfortable there."

 

"I can walk." Blair struggles to his feet, sways on his feet and almost falls. I collect him in my arms and carry him upstairs. "Maybe the bed's still warm." It doesn't surprise me that he's this tired. Tate ordered bed rest and I dragged him to Rafe's place and then to the station. Today he's going to rest and do nothing strenuous.

 

"You won't even know I'm gone," I whisper and kiss his brow gently. After making sure he's settled comfortably, I head downstairs again, slip into my shoes and coat and lock the door behind me. Now let's see, does Blair like pasta Alfredo? I'll find out tonight.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

"Wake up! Wake up, damn it!"

 

Huh? Someone's pulling at my right arm, shaking my shoulders and my eyes flash open. Why's Jim trying to drag me to my feet? I realize my mistake looking into Thomson's face. How the hell did he get inside? Isn't Jim guarding the loft? He's a Sentinel! Thomson can't have surprised him, but wait, Jim's out getting groceries so that means... I'm all alone at the loft.

 

"Get to your feet, sissy!" Thomson snarls. His face is red and puffy and the veins on his bald head stand out.

 

Get to my feet? Man, I'm still drowsy from the meds I took. I was really tired and the pain pills kicked in hard. "Ouch!" Thomson grabs my arm and pulls me out of bed. I collapse on the floor, too groggy to stand on my feet. I cradle my hands against my chest, trying to protect them. Old instincts surface and I curl into a ball, trying to protect myself. Jim, please come home quickly! Don't let him take me! 

 

Suddenly Thomson's arms close around my waist and he hauls me to my feet. He deposits me unceremoniously over his shoulders and I can't suppress the pain filled moan as my ribs ache in protest. "Lemme down!"

 

"Shut up or I'll gag you. Remember Stevens' ball gag? I got one too, so don't defy me, pretty!"

 

Oh no, this can't be happening! Stevens called me pretty too and how does Thomson know about the ball gag? I try not to breathe too deeply when he carries me to the front door. Fight him! Kick him! But I can't. The position I'm in leaves me no room to punch him or otherwise defend myself.

 

He starts down the stairs and I panic. I can't let him take me. I can't go through the abuse again. I won't! Not caring about hurting myself I began to kick at his back. Thomson growls furiously and tightens his hold on me. He grabs my wrists and I howl in pain as my broken fingers get yanked around.

 

"No!" I kick harder now and try to pull away from him. "Lemme go!" I scream the words, hoping some neighbor will hear them and help me.

 

"Shut up, pretty or I'll shove my cock up your ass."

 

The words spark dark memories and I feel the pain Stevens inflicted on me all over again. No, history won't repeat itself! I won't let it. Despair takes over and makes me kick harder. Thomson suddenly screams in pain and drops me hard onto the floor. We're on the staircase and I begin to tumble down. I don't know how to protect myself from injury. If I use my hands, my fingers will be fractured again and if I don't, my ribs will. Jim, please help me! It's my last thought before hitting the floor again and losing my consciousness.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

My head hurts, but I force my eyes open anyway. Oh no... I know this place. It's my cell, the cell where Stevens kept me prisoner. I can't be back here! I can't! Shivering all over my body, I try to get up, but pain slashes through my chest and I struggle for breath. I'm slammed back to the filthy bed and I finally realize I can't sit upright because my hands and feet are tied to the bed posts. I'm restrained and helpless... like I used to be.

 

Oh Jim, where are you? I need you! I rather die than living through this hell again. I can't survive a second time!

 

"So, sleeping beauty finally decided to wake up?"

 

Startled, I stare at Thomson who appears in the doorway. I want to wipe the smug grin from his face, but can't move. Please, Jim, hurry up. You should be back by now and have found me missing. "What d-do you w-want?" I'm surprised he didn't gag me.

 

"Revenge, it's as simple as that."

 

"Revenge?" I arch an eyebrow, and cringe. My face's burning and I remember falling down the staircase. How many bruises have been added?

 

"Because of you Captain Banks started digging around in my past. He didn't like what he found and now I'm on the run. I knew I should have insisted Stevens killed you, but he liked your ass. I should have finished the job myself."

 

Thomson uncovers his gun and points it at me. I hope he'll kill me quickly. My only regret is not being able to help Jim with his senses. No, that's not true. My biggest regret is not knowing how it feels to make love with Jim. I close my eyes and wait for the inevitable. "What are you w-waiting f-for? End it!"

 

"Not so fast, Thomson!"

 

My eyes flutter open at hearing Jim's voice. Jim found me! I knew he wouldn't let Thomson kill me! Jim's behind Thomson and I see Simon and Joel as well. I expected Jim to come after me, but not Simon and Joel. Why are they here?

 

"You better move away, Ellison or I'll put a bullet in his head," Thomson says sharply.

 

His gun is still pointed at my head and I know he'll pull the trigger. I pull at my restraints, but it's useless. The pain that shoots through my fingers makes me hiss and I can't do anything but lay there and wait.

 

"You'll be dead before you can pull the trigger, Thomson," Jim says firmly. "I took out Stevens' brother from a distance. I can't miss while standing behind you. I won't hesitate to kill you."

 

"The fairy's got to you," Thomson snarls. "Well, Stevens loved to fuck him... I guess you don't mind sloppy seconds!"

 

"Jim, no..." I whisper the words, knowing only Jim can hear them. Thomson is trying to get to him and Jim has to remain cool.

 

"I'm gonna count to three," Jim announces. "If you're still pointing that gun at my lover when I hit three, you're dead."

 

Lover? Did Jim really say lover? Oh man, I don't gonna cry again! I've been crying too much lately, but I can't believe he said that!

 

"Your lover?" Thomson's visage turns ugly. "Say goodbye to the little faggot."

 

He's gonna shoot! I can tell by the look in his eyes. "Goodbye, Jim." I close my eyes. I don't want to see Thomson fire the gun and wait... wait for the bullet to impact. One gun is fired and I flinch, expecting to be hit any moment now. When nothing happens, I open my eyes again.

 

Thomson is sliding down the wall. His eyes are big and his mouth's agape. "You... shot... me!" He collapses onto the floor and his hand opens. The gun rolls away from him and his head slumps to his chest. He stopped breathing the moment the bullet impacted with his body.

 

"Blair!" Jim's running down the stairs and Simon and Joel are close behind him.

 

"Jim, I can't believe you found me!" I want to get up and thank him, but I'm still tied down and unable to move. The pain in my chest is getting worse and it's getting harder to breathe. If only I could sit upright.

 

"Joel, call an ambulance. Simon, help me cut him loose."

 

Using Simon's army knife they cut me loose and I wrap my arms around Jim's waist, ignoring the slashing pain that moves from my fingers to my shoulder. "Jim..."

 

"It's gonna be all right, Blair, I promise." Jim and Simon exchange concerned looks. "Babe, I've got to ask, did he... did he touch you?"

 

I shake my head and hide behind my curls. "No, he didn't. He just wanted to kill me."

 

Jim sighs relieved. "Blair, I'm sorry I left the loft. I should have known better, but I never thought Thomson would show up there. Blair? Blair?"

 

"It's... hard... to breathe." I'm struggling for breath. Sitting up isn't helping. "He... knocked me off my... feet... Jim, it hurts."

 

"Shit," Jim curses. "The bastard probably broke another rib. Blair, Joel's calling the ambulance right now as we speak. Just hang on in there, okay?"

 

Jim leaves the cell to place his own calls, telling the EMT's to hurry. I'm relieved he's gone; now I can talk to Jim without being afraid of Simon listening in. "I fought him... Jim, I fought him... kicked and punched him... took him down once... He was saying things Stevens used to say and... I wasn't going to let it happen all over again... this time I fought him."

 

My vision is turning blurry, but I can see the proud expression in his eyes. "You were right... Stevens raped me because he was...trying to break me... I don't deserve being raped... you're right... I know that now... Stevens was a sick bastard..."

 

"Just hang on in there, baby, please." 

 

Jim's arms are around me, steadying me and I need the support. Exhausted, I rest my body against him. "You feel so good... so warm... keep me warm..."

 

"I will."

 

Jim shrugs out of his leather coat and drapes it over my shoulders. I love the way the coat's smells. "I can smell you," I whisper, feeling lightheaded. "Hold me and don't let go? Please..." Shadows are racing closer and obscure my view. "Just... hold... me..."

 

"The EMT's are here, Blair. They'll take care of you. I'll be there when you wake up in the hospital..." 

 

No, I only need you... But I can't wrap my lips around the words and darkness swallows me.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Jim

 

Damned! Why don't I ever learn? Simon warned me to be careful and I leave the loft to get some groceries for dinner! Why didn't I stay? Why didn't I call one of the guys at the station? Joel and Henri offered to look after Blair when I had to leave, but no, I thought he was safe.

 

My God, I'll never forget finding the front door open and strands of Blair's hair on the rug. There was blood as well and I knew I had made a fatal mistake. If I hadn't been able to zero in on his heartbeat and scent I would never have found him. I piggybacked the senses as Blair had described in his dissertation and zoned out, big time. But after Joel pulled me from the zone out I knew where to find Blair.

 

And now he's back at the hospital. Doctor Tate checked on him and confirmed my suspicion; another broken rib. The fingers in his right hand, which had barely started to heal, were once more broken by Thomson and had to be set correctly. Blair must have used his right hand to break his fall at one point, breaking them all over again.

 

His face sports new bruises and a black eye. "I'm so sorry, Blair." He can't hear me. Tate gave Blair pain medication so he would sleep through re-setting his fingers. It will be at least another thirty minutes before he'll start to wake up. "I let you down."

 

"Jim, you're only human. Cut yourself some slack," Simon says, entering the room. He pulls up a chair and sits down. "I managed to postpone the IA hearing, but now you've got to explain shooting Thomson as well. I'm pulling you off active duty for now."

 

"But Simon..." I want to protest, to tell him this isn't fair, but he cuts me short.

 

"Jim, you need the time off to take care of the kid. I can keep IA off your back if you do what I tell you to. Stay at the loft, look after Sandburg and come back when you're up to it. It's not punishment, Jim."

 

"Yes, sir," I mumble softly. "Thanks..." I know only too well that IA will be breathing down Simon's back and that he's covering my ass. "But no matter what you say... I let him down. I should have stayed at the loft."

 

"Jim, don't play this game. You don't know what would have happened if you'd stayed. Maybe Thomson would have opened fire at once, taking Blair down while you were returning fire. You don't know. The kid handled the situation just fine. Be proud of him, pamper him, but don't bury yourself in guilt. That won't help."

 

"I'll try... I can't make any promises though." I try to make it sound like a joke, but fail. Simon knows how I feel.

 

"Clean up your act, Ellison. The kid doesn't need you to bury yourself in guilt. You're his lifeline. You'd better shape up."

 

Simon briefly squeezes my shoulder and then leaves the room. He's right of course... but can I let go of the guilt? For Blair's sake I have to.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Hey, morning..."

 

Blair's voice wakes me up and I stare right back at him, finding him awake. His eyes are clouded, but that's probably due to the pain meds Tate gave him. Moving my chair closer to the bed, I slowly rest my hand on his arm. Blair doesn't flinch away. "Good morning." I startle at the sound of my voice; it sounds raw and hoarse.

 

"You look like shit," Blair comments, smiling gently.

 

"Thanks," I chuckle in return, wondering where that smile is coming from. I expected him to panic, but he's calm and almost serene. "You broke another rib," I inform Blair. "And they had to re-set your fingers. You broke them all over again."

 

"I tried to break my fall." Blair's eyes close briefly. "Oh man, I thought he was just part of the dream I was having. For the first few seconds I didn't realize he was really there."

 

"Blair, I'm sorry. I should have stayed at home." I want to apologize so badly, but saying the words won't take away my shame. I failed him.

 

"Stop it, Jim. You thought he'd left Cascade." Blair moves about in bed and manages to push himself in an upright position. He leans back into the pillows and sighs. "It's okay, Jim. It really is. I fought him; this time I didn't let someone drag me off without a fight."

 

Baffled, I see the contentment in Blair's eyes. "Are you really okay, Blair?" Is the pain medication making him act in this way?

 

"Yeah, I'm okay, Jim." Again, he smiles. "So when can we go back home? I hate hospitals."

 

"Tate will let you go tomorrow. He wants to keep a close eye on you tonight. Blair..." I scoot closer and gently rub the skin on his arm.

 

"Really, Jim, I'm okay." The smile turns into a grin. "I feel so much better now that I fought him." 

 

His self-esteem is growing and I can't help but smile approvingly. The nurse enters, interrupting our conversation. "Yes?"

 

"Mister Sandburg isn't insured. Where do I send the bills?"

 

The grin leaves Blair's face at once and he stares down at his bandaged hands. Damn! He was doing so much better and now she has to bring this up. "You can send them to my address."

 

She nods her head, already filling out forms and I turn my attention back to Blair who's grown awfully quiet. "Blair?"

 

"I'm broke, Jim. There's no way I can repay you."

 

His heartbeat is speeding up. "Blair, don't worry about it. I don't mind paying the bills."

 

"You've been doing that since you found me?" Blair's eyes grew big, only now realizing the truth. "Jim, maybe we can work out some payment plan and..."

 

"Blair, listen to me." I cup his chin in the palm of my hand and wait for him to lock eyes with me. "When I was twenty-one, my dad set up a trust fund for me. I never used any of the money and paying your bills isn't a big deal."

 

"Your dad?" Curiosity shines from Blair's eyes.

 

"I never told you about him, did I?" I already know the answer.

 

"No, you didn't..." Blair nods his head encouragingly. "I'm not going anywhere."

 

All right. I'll tell him. "My dad's a CEO and made a lot of money in his life. I never wanted any of it, but he set up a trust fund for me and Stephen."

 

"Stephen?"

 

"My brother." Seeing the expression in his eyes I realize he won't stop questioning me until he knows everything. "My mother left when Stephen and I were little. Dad tried his best, but he pitched us against each other. I hardly ever talk to Stephen these days and it's been years since I saw dad." Blair's growing tired, his energy fading fast. "So don't worry about the money."

 

"I can't help but worry," Blair admits. "Man, I'm like so broke and..." His eyes droop shut. 

 

"You need to rest, sweetheart. We can talk about this later."

 

"He'll sleep for the rest of the night," Tate says, standing in the doorway. "I'll examine him in the morning and if everything's fine you can take him home."

 

"Thanks, doc." I stare at Blair, hoping the calm he radiated earlier will still be there once he wakes up again. I can't believe he's not mad with me for leaving him alone at the loft. Damn, I really want to be angry with myself for failing him, but Blair's making that impossible. Settling down for the night, I lean back in my chair, rest my feet on the side of his bed and close my eyes, letting myself fall asleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

"Hey, Jim, wake up, man."

 

Huh? Still sleepy, my eyes open and stare into Blair's amused ones. I can't remember the last time I slept all through the night. It must be because I know Blair's safe at last. "You're up early."

 

"You're not going to believe it, but I'm hungry." To stress his words, Blair's stomach growls. "But hospital food is... icky, I can't eat that, man. You've got to take me home and prepare a huge breakfast; pancakes, waffles, everything."

 

Leaning in closer I study his eyes. He's acting like he's high on something, but his pupils are normal and his eyes lucid. "Why are you this hyper?"

 

"I always was hyper before... before Stevens." A dark shadow settles in Blair's eyes while saying that name. "I'm annoying, huh? Naomi always told me to tone it down, but..." 

 

"No, don't tone it down. I just need to get used to it. You've been quiet and subdued these last few days and... I didn't know you could be hyper." I smile reassuringly and wonder what other surprises lay in store for me. Am I seeing the real Blair Sandburg? The one Stevens nearly destroyed?

 

"Good morning, Blair... Jim." Doctor Tate enters the room and checks Blair's vital signs. "How are you feeling today, Blair?"

 

"Better, thanks." Blair meets Tate's eyes without hesitance. "When can Jim take me home?"

 

"We'll see about that."

 

Tate examines Blair and I watch him carefully, using my heightened senses to make sure Blair is all right. I really want to take him back to the loft, tuck him into bed and feel him snuggled up to me.

 

"You look fine to me, Blair. Do you know about the newly broken rib?" Tate enters something in Blair's file and then waits for an answer.

 

"Yeah, Jim told me. It hurts."

 

Blair admitting to being in pain is a rare thing and I focus my senses on him again, almost certain I missed something, but no, he seems fine. Nothing's out of the ordinary.

 

"The pain medication will take care of that," Tate whispers and signs Blair's release papers. "Jim, I want to see him in five days. Until then he's confined to bed. I'll only allow short trips to the bathroom and no stairs!"

 

Blair's disappointed expression tells me that he's feels he's being banned out of the upstairs bedroom. But no, I'll carry him upstairs. "Anything else?" 

 

"A lot of sleep. Make sure he eats three meals a day and feed him some snacks as well." Addressing Blair, Tate continues, "Blair, you need to gain weight."

 

"I'll do my best," Blair promises.

 

I can tell by listening to his heartbeat that he's serious. I've waited so long for the healing process to start that I can't believe this is it. But as Blair locks eyes with me I see the difference. I rest my hand on his shoulder to test him and he doesn't flinch away, almost leaning in to the touch. "Let's go home, Blair."

 

Blair nods his head and a contented purr leaves his lips. "I want that more than anything."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair fell asleep during the drive home and I'm carrying him upstairs now. Tate gave him some more pain meds before we left and they knocked him out cold. Joel, who cleaned up the loft during Blair's stay at the hospital, lets me into the apartment. From what Joel told me on the phone Thomson knocked over some things, but now as I enter the loft, everything is back in order again.

 

"Thanks." Joel smiles back. "I'm gonna carry him upstairs and tuck him in. Then we can talk."

 

"Sure, Jim. I'll make some coffee." Joel walks into the kitchen and I climb the stairs. Blair's heavy in my arms and I sigh relieved when I put him in the center of the bed. After covering him with the comforter I kiss his brow and then I make my way downstairs again.

 

"How's he doing?" Joel pours the coffee and sits down.

 

I join him at the coffee table. "Amazingly enough he's doing better. He tried to fight off Thomson and that made him feel less helpless. He feels back in control." Seeing Joel's puzzled look I nod my head. "Yeah, I know it doesn't make much sense, but that's the way it is. Blair feels empowered because he resisted. I'm just happy he's feeling less depressed."

 

"I bought some food and clothes that will hopefully fit Blair. He looks funny, walking around in your clothes. They're way too big for him."

 

"Thanks, Joel." I sip my coffee and feel relaxed.

 

"What do you want me to tell the guys at the station? They'll want to know how Blair's doing."

 

"Tell them the truth, Joel. Physically he's worse than before with the added injuries, but emotionally? He's healing." Joel sighs, equally relieved. "You know, when we found him in Stevens' basement I was afraid he'd never recover, but he's a fighter."

 

Joel nods his head. "He's strong." He pauses, gathering his thoughts. "Jim, when you took Thomson down you referred to Blair as your lover... does that mean you told him?"

 

"Yeah, I did. I told him I was attracted to him and... he didn't know how to react, but... before Thomson got to him, he told me he was falling in love with me too."

 

"Jim, you're his hero..." Joel starts.

 

"To some degree, yes, but he isn't putting me on a pedestal. It isn't just hero worship. He's helped me with my senses and... you've got no idea how special he is."

 

Joel isn't convinced yet. "Jim, I'm..."

 

"Joel, I won't hurt him. I won't push him or pressure him. I don't care if we have sex. I just want him in my arms. I'm not taking advantage of him." I knew there was a reason I liked Joel. He hardly knows Blair but is already looking out for him. "I appreciate your concern, but we're gonna be okay."

 

"I hope so," Joel says and gets to his feet. "I better get back to the station and update the guys. Oh, before I forget, this was delivered while I was cleaning up. It's from Rainier University."

 

"Thanks, Joel. Thanks for cleaning up. I'm glad Blair didn't have to come home to a mess." I place the letter from Rainier on the coffee table and walk Joel to the door. "You're welcome to visit whenever you want." Joel waves goodbye and disappears into the elevator.

 

I return to the kitchen table and pick up the letter. A dark sense of foreboding sweeps through me. The letter's addressed to Blair and I really shouldn't open it, but he's out and won't be able to handle his affairs. Reaching a decision, I open the letter and start to read. It's from Chancellor Edwards.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Damn, I knew she was going to pull something like this. The letter is full of legal mumbo jumbo, but it certainly looks like she's going to stop Blair from getting back into the program. I read the letter again, still not understanding what her lawyer's getting at. I need professional help. I need a lawyer who can take her on. 

 

I know just the right person to put her in her place, but that means talking to dad. Our family lawyer, Richard Robinson, is the perfect man for the job. Blair doesn't need this hassle right now and Richard could take care of matters while Blair heals.

 

Picking up the cell phone I stare at the letter. I haven't talked to dad in over a year and I'm not sure how he'll react. Maybe I shouldn't mention that Blair and I are lovers. Maybe I'll tell him after Richard helped us out, then again, maybe I won't. Taking a deep breath, I mentally prepare myself for this conversation. I dial dad's number and wait.

 

"Bill Ellison."

 

Hearing his voice makes me feel awkward. I haven't been in touch with him, but now that I need his help I'm calling him anyway. Maybe this is a mistake...

 

"Hello? Whom am I talking to?"

 

I lick my dry lips. "It's Jim."

 

"Jimmy! It's good to hear from you! It's been a while. How are you doing?"

 

I cringe, realizing he's genuinely happy to hear from me. "I'm okay, dad."

 

"So why are you calling?"

 

Fuck, he knows there's a reason, probably knows I need something. What kind of son am I? I only call him when I need his help. Why don't I ever call to just say hello? "I need your help, dad."

 

"What's wrong?" Bill asks concerned. "Are you in some sort of trouble? Did you get shot?"

 

I cringe. "No, dad, I'm fine." Picking up on his racing heartbeat I wonder what got him riled up like this. Certainly not my phone call. "Dad, are you okay? You sound... stressed."

 

"Nothing's wrong. I just didn't expect you to call."

 

Oh shit. His heart is speeding because he's nervous, excited that I called, wondering what it means. I never heard the loneliness in his voice before, but I hear it now. Maybe I should give this relationship one last chance. He's my dad after all. "I'm using some money of the trust fund to pay for medical bills. I thought you should know," I start, realizing I'll have to tell him about Blair. However, the question is, do I introduce Blair as a close friend or my lover? I have no idea how my dad will react to learning that his son is gay and has a male lover.

 

"Jimmy, I set up the trust fund so you would use it..." Bill pauses. "Medical bills? But I thought you said you were fine. Jimmy, what's going on?"

 

Here goes nothing. "A close friend of mine was hurt and he doesn't have medical insurance."

 

"And now you're paying the bills? Jimmy, are you sure this friend isn't just using you?"

 

I should have expected that reaction. Grinding my teeth I manage to compose myself. "Trust me, dad, he's not after my money." This conversation isn't going well at all.

 

"I'm sorry, Jimmy, it's just... people try to take advantage once you know you're financially secure."

 

I wonder if that's what happened between my parents. Did my mother think he was a great catch and did she then realize they weren't compatible? I'll never know. "Blair's not like that."

 

"Blair?" Bill falls quiet. "You never mentioned him before."

 

"We only met recently." Suddenly, I'm determined to only tell him the things he needs to know, nothing else. Cutting our conversation short I get to the point. "Dad, I need legal representation. Do you think Richard would be willing to help?"

 

"Want me to call him and set up a meeting?"

 

"I'd greatly appreciate that." My dad's holding his breath, probably wondering what my connection is to Blair. "Let me know if Richard is available? I need him." Richard's an expert in academic law; he saved Stephen's ass and made sure my brother got his degree. Chancellor Edwards will never know what hit her once Richard gets involved.

 

"I'll try to talk to Richard today and will call you back once I know more."

 

"Thanks, dad." The line turns silent, except for his breathing. I should say goodbye, but something is holding me back.

 

"Jimmy, I got front row tickets for the Jags game this weekend. Maybe we can catch the game?"

 

Oh boy, he's inviting me to the game? I should be flattered, but he used to bribe Stephen and me with basketball games. The one who got the highest marks at school got to spend the evening with dad. I hate the way he played us. "Dad, thanks for offering, but I can't leave Blair alone right now. His broken ribs make it hard for him to move about and he can't do much on his own. His broken fingers hamper him." Now I gave away more than I wanted to.

 

"He's staying with you?" He sounds truly surprised.

 

"He can't even eat properly. His fingers are bandaged and... he needs help."

 

"And you took him in? Jimmy, what's going on? You've never taken people in before."

 

"Blair's special," I sigh, frustrated. I've got to end this conversation or he'll find out the truth. "Dad, just call me after you talked to Richard? I really need to go now. We'll talk later." Unceremoniously, I end the conversation. After putting the cell phone down on the coffee table I climb the stairs again. Sitting down on the side of the bed I watch Blair sleep. He looks at peace and relaxed and hopefully my animal spirit will continue to guard his dreams, keeping the nightmares at bay.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Jim, why did you let me sleep this long?" Blair opens his clouded eyes and tries to take in his surroundings. "Hey, I'm in your bed..."

 

"I carried you upstairs." Should I tell him that I asked dad to 'convince' our former family lawyer to help him? Should I tell him about Edwards' letter? I can't protect him forever. "Chancellor Edwards wrote you a letter."

 

"That can't be good." Blair tries to push himself into a sitting position, but fails.

 

I quickly move to help him. Finally he's resting his back against a mountain of pillows and I remind myself to get his pain meds after telling him.

 

"What does it say?" Blair's trying to stay awake, but his eyes are closing now and then.

 

I decide to tell him the truth. "She's playing hardball, Chief. She doesn't want to readmit you because you willfully neglected your university obligations."

 

"Shit, I knew she'd do this!" Blair's nervous and his eyes take on a feverish gleam.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have told him just yet. "She's trying to mess with the wrong person, baby. I'm arranging for some legal representation. Richard can easily prove that you didn't 'willfully' neglect your obligations, but that you were Stevens' prisoner. She won't get away with this."

 

"Jim..."

 

"What?" Blair's retreating into himself, shrinking beneath my glance. Something I said upset him. 

 

"I don't want to go to court."

 

"What?"

 

"Jim, I don't have the money to pay a lawyer and..."

 

I cut him short. "It won't cost you a dime because you're gonna win the law suit."

 

"But the lawyer will want to be paid up front." 

 

"Don't worry about the money, I'm handling it." Blair's nervousness is mounting and now he's even avoiding my eyes.

 

"You're also paying my medical bills. Jim, I can't let you pay for everything!"

 

"But I want to, babe." Slowly, I raise my right hand and brush his cheek lightly, carefully staying clear of the newly added bruises. "But there's more. What aren't you telling me? Why don't you want to go to court and fight for your rights?"

 

Blair grows awfully pale. "Rainier will find out what Stevens did to me in those six months. I don't want them to know I was... raped."

 

"Oh, baby, no one's going to find out. Richard's a damn fine lawyer and he'll never let things spin out of control." Stroking his hair gently, I feel Blair tremble. "I don't know why she's making this so hard on you, but we'll wipe the floor with her. Trust me, Blair."

 

"It's because of Professor Grim," Blair mumbles softly. "I should never have told her that I suspected he was covering for the drugs dealers."

 

He told me about this professor before and maybe it's time to look into this matter. Maybe he's right and Grim is tied to Stevens. Mentally, I make a note to call Simon later to investigate Grim. "Blair, you must have had good reasons to think he was helping them."

 

"I had! My students told me that these drugs dealers pressured them to buy drugs. They were blackmailing them with private information. Grim was tutoring them and these kids confided in him, hoping he could help them with their problems. Grim must have told those dealers which kids were vulnerable and were looking for a way out because their personal problems were suffocating them."

 

"I'll ask Simon to look into the matter. If Grim's involved he'll find out." I push back some stray locks and almost zone out looking into his eyes.

 

"Hey, Jim, focus! Dial it down!"

 

"I've got in under control..." but barely. "Hungry?" Blair's stomach growls hungrily. "How does chicken soup sound?"

 

"Okay." Blair smiles weakly. "Jim, thanks... thanks for everything. I mean it. No one ever did something like this for me before. It's weird, knowing you're there for me when I need you."

 

"You'd better get used to it," I tease him and get to my feet. Blair begins to push back the covers, but I stop him. "No, stay. I'll bring the food up here. Tate ordered bed rest and you're not leaving that bed any time soon."

 

Blair's shy smile warms my heart. "I'll be back in a few. Stay put." I feel his eyes on me as I make my way downstairs again. Oh yeah, I'm going to make sure he heals and Edwards isn't going to make things any harder on him than they already are. Blair suffered enough. I'll deal with her.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Jim, enough! I'm stuffed!"

 

Blair's big eyes beg me to stop feeding him the chicken soup. "You stay put. I'm going to get your pain meds and then we're going to catch some Z's" I can tell he's tired because his eyes continue to close and then flash open again. "Just try to stay awake until I'm back with your meds."

 

"I'll try," Blair whispers and pushes deeper into the comfort of the mattress.

 

Satisfied that he's obeying orders, I move downstairs, gather some bottled water and his meds. I climb the stairs again and find that Blair's already in the process of dozing off. "Hey, sleepyhead, wake up." Blair's eyes flutter open and he's doing his best to focus on me. Sitting down on the side of the bed, I pull him into an upright position and help him swallow the meds. "How are you feeling, Chief?"

 

"Okay," he mumbles, absentmindedly.

 

Blair's way more tired than he wants to admit and I lower him into the pillows again. "Is it okay if I join you in bed? I'm tired myself." I want Blair in control, to be able to say no.

 

"Yeah, just take your shirt off first?" Blair yawns and snuggles deeper beneath the comforter. "I love the feel of your skin..."

 

Humoring him, I take off my shirt and slip into bed next to him. I'm still wearing my sweat pants, worried I'll scare him off if I only wear my boxers to bed. Blair carefully moves about until he's in my arms. His head is tucked away beneath my chin and he cuddles up to me. Looking down, I manage to catch a glimpse of his contented smile. "Comfortable, babe?"

 

"More than comfortable."

 

Blair's bandaged hands rests against my chest and I feel fiercely protective of him. "Try to sleep, Blair. And only pleasant dreams, remember?" Blair nods against my chest.

 

"The jaguar's always in my dreams. It's the only thing I dream about these days. It's standing guard or is curled around me, keeping me safe, like you're doing now."

 

It feels good to hear that my animal spirit is keeping him safe when he's asleep. "Let him guard you and follow his lead. He's there to protect you."

 

"I... know... that... Jim," Blair whispers, falling asleep again.

 

I love holding him in my arms and stroke his soft hair. "I'll protect you, Blair... for the rest of my life." 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next morning Blair's determined to rest on the sofa instead of in my bed so I carry him downstairs and pile some blankets on top of his shivering body. It doesn't take him long to fall asleep again after eating breakfast and taking his meds. That leaves me with a little time to make some calls to the station, but before I can pick up the cell phone, someone knocks on the front door.

 

My instincts get the better of me and I cock my gun, making sure it's ready to use. Walking over to the front door, I try to focus my senses.

 

"Jimmy? It's me, Bill."

 

"Dad? What are you doing here?" I put my gun away and open the door. I should have known it was Bill, but his scent has become unfamiliar through the years. Now that I concentrate I recognize it.

 

Bill remains standing in the doorway, waiting for permission to enter the loft. I act quickly. "Come on inside, dad." I step aside and he walks towards the living room. That's when he sees Blair, curled up beneath the blankets. This is going to be ugly. A startled expression appears in his eyes; did he already figure everything out?

 

"That must be Blair," Bill says softly.

 

I nod my head, hoping Blair won't wake up. I want to spare him this confrontation. "What's up?"

 

"I contacted Richard and he'll drop by the loft this evening, around seven. Just wanted you to know."

 

"Thanks..." I bet there's more to it.

 

"So how did you and Blair meet?" Bill turns around and studies Blair.

 

How do I answer that one? "During a case."

 

Bill's eyes darken. "And now he's living here and you're paying his bills? Jimmy, something doesn't add up."

 

I know what he's implying and I try to remain calm. "He's my friend, my best friend. He helps me control my heightened senses. No one else can."

 

"He knows about your senses?" Bill's darkened eyes narrow. "Jimmy, you shouldn't confide in him like that."

 

It took Bill years to accept he had a freak for a son and he still doesn't like hearing about my heightened senses. During my childhood, he tried to convince me that it was just my imagination and that I didn't have these heightened senses, but when they reappeared during the Switchman case I knew he'd been trying to manipulate me. I phoned him, telling him his 'brainwashing' technique hadn't worked and that was when he had to accept that I had heightened senses.

 

"Blair studies Sentinels. That's what people with heightened senses are called. He's writing his dissertation on the subject." I eye my dad suspiciously, wondering what hidden agenda he has this time.

 

"A dissertation? Richard's specialized in academic law, so... what happened?"

 

He'll find out anyway once Richard will represent Blair. "About six months ago Blair was kidnapped and now Chancellor Edwards is saying that Blair willfully neglected his university obligations."

 

"And that's a lie?"

 

"Dad, he was locked up for six months. When we sprung him he was a mess." Thankfully Blair's still asleep, but I still feel bad for talking behind his back like this. "Blair was kidnapped because he reported some criminal activity on campus to a dirty cop. Edwards wasn't happy one of her professors was accused of co-operating with the drugs dealers. She hates Blair's guts and will try to stop him from entering the program again. I can't let that happen. Blair has got every right to get his PH.D."

 

Bill is slowly pacing the living room. Every now and then his gaze travels from Blair to my face and I wish I knew what the hell he's thinking. Why's he here anyway? I never asked him to come to the loft, only to contact Richard!

 

"Jimmy..." Bill starts, pauses, and searches Blair's face. "Why did you take him in? Why pay his bills? What's the deal?"

 

Do I tell him? No. "He helps me with my senses. Dad, he guides me."

 

Bill slowly shakes his head. "Jimmy, I know you well enough to know you're not telling me the entire truth. Don't expect me to believe you're a good Samaritan and that you take care of him because it's the right thing to do. Level with me."

 

Briefly, I'm lost for words. I've got to think of something that sounds logical and that he will accept. But then Blair softly moans my name and his heartbeat begins to race. Damn, not another nightmare! Not right now!

 

"Jim? Jim-m-m..." Blair squirms on the couch, emitting soft moans of pain.

 

"It's okay, Chief. I'm here." Ignoring my dad, I hurry over to the couch and sit on my heels in front of it. Blair's brow is covering with cold sweat and I gently caress his face while crooning reassuring words."It's okay, you're safe."

 

"So that's it..."

 

Bill's whispered words are almost too soft to pick up on, but my heightened sense of hearing does. After making sure that Blair's still asleep, I look over my shoulder and search my dad's eyes. They are filled with an uncanny expression and a moment later he turns around and slams the door behind him. The noise startles Blair whose eyes flash open, revealing fear and terror. 

 

"Jim?" He looks and sounds lost.

 

"My dad paid me a visit," I say honestly. Wrapping an arm around his waist, I hold him close to my chest. Blair's big eyes radiate concern.

 

"He's mad at me?"

 

Blair's words make me cringe. "No, sweetheart, he's mad at me. He doesn't even know you."

 

"But he knows we're..."

 

I know exactly what he wants to say so I finish his sentence for him. "Lovers? Yeah, I think he figured it out the moment I hurried to your side."

 

"Is he homophobic?"

 

"I don't know, Blair. It never came up and he had no reason to think one of his sons was gay. We'll just have to wait and see what happens next. At least Richard's dropping by tonight."

 

"Richard?"

 

"The lawyer I asked my dad to contact to represent you? Remember the letter Edwards sent you?" He probably forgot all about it while being in the nightmare's clutches and I can't blame him. The damage Stevens did will always haunt him.

 

"Jim, I... you don't need to take care of me... I can't pay you back and..." Blair averts his eyes and stares at the floor.

 

"I want to take care of you," I remind him. "And now it's time for a snack, your meds and then I'm gonna carry you upstairs again to take another nap." Blair's eyes lift and find mine. "What?"

 

"I want..." Blair's courage fails him.

 

"What do you want?"

 

"Keep me company in bed? I don't want to sleep alone."

 

"Want me to take my shirt off again?" Blair nods hesitantly. I smile brightly. "Sure thing, babe." Pressing a kiss onto his brow, I look forward to falling asleep while holding him in my arms.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Bill

 

I can't believe Jimmy's gay! But there is no mistaken the way he touched this... this Blair. Slamming the car door shut, I venture out in to the cold. I need to clear my head and maybe walking will do the trick. Of all the things I expected to discover, this wasn't it.

 

I knew something was wrong when Jim mentioned his 'guest'. He's never taken anyone in before, at least not that I know of, and now he's even paying his medical bills! What the hell is wrong with my son? Doesn't he understand that this Blair is just using him? Grace did the same thing to me. Once she realized that she was financially secure she got pregnant and within 3 years we had Jimmy and Stephen. Grace thought she'd 'fulfilled' her marital obligations and wanted us to move to a bigger house, spend more money and pressured me into hiring a nanny for the boys. That was when I put my foot down. She was their mother and we were going to raise them, not some nanny!

 

Our fights grew bigger, spun out of control and before I knew it she was cheating on me with one of my business partners. When she left, I realized I had been deluding myself to think that we could make things work. It was just a damn pity that Jimmy and Stephen paid the price. I tried to raise them the best way I could, raised them the same way my dad raised me and forgot I had grown to hate my old man for his cold and distant ways. I made the same mistakes with my sons and I hoped Jimmy would rectify them once he became a father.

 

I realized I was wrong when Jimmy and Carolyn got a divorce. I never really liked her, but I tried to get along with her for Jimmy's sake. After the divorce I hoped Jimmy would meet a nice girl, but he never did. Instead he fell into the clutches of a manipulative son of bitch. I'm afraid Jimmy will repeat my mistakes but at least there won't be any kids involved this time. 

 

I turn left and head for the coffee shop that's situated at the end of the street. It's close to the PD and I've met some of Jim's colleagues there before. Maybe they can tell me what's going on?

 

Stepping inside, I search for faces I know. I hope I'm lucky, searching the crowd and yes, I recognize one of them, Joel Taggert. Jim once introduced me to him. I head towards his table, order some coffee when a waitress passes me by and sit down beside him. "Hello," I start, hoping he'll remember me. "It's been a while."

 

Taggert's brow grows furrowed, but then he nods his head. "Yeah, you're Jim's dad, aren't you?"

 

"Bill Ellison," I say and extend my hand. He shakes it and I shrug out of my coat. "I just visited Jim." 

 

"You did?" Joel sips his coffee. "Then you met Blair too?"

 

Cautiously, I nod my head. I need to keep him talking. "Yeah, I did. I was quite surprised to find him there." The waitress brings my coffee and I pay for it.

 

"Yeah, Jim surprised us all by taking in the kid, but I'm glad things are working out. We were worried for a while."

 

"Worried?" Warming my hands on the warm mug, I wait for him to continue.

 

"Stevens roughed the kid up pretty bad and..."

 

I don't hear the rest of his words. Stevens... I know that name! Yes, his case was on the news and in the papers. Major Crimes took him down. He was the head of an organization that specialized in drugs and sex slaves... sex slaves? Knowing I'm onto something, I try to recall Blair's face... it was bruised... I force myself not to jump to conclusions. Seeing Taggert's puzzled expression I realize I need to say something. "Roughed him up?"

 

Taggert's eyes suddenly narrow. "Jim didn't tell you."

 

Damn, busted! "I know he's paying Blair's medical bills."

 

"The insurance company ended Blair's contract when he went missing for that long. Jim's doing a hell of a job putting the pieces back together again. I don't think Blair would have made it without your son's support."

 

I can no longer deny the conclusion I reached. "Blair was one of Stevens' sex slaves." Taggert grows uncomfortable. He probably wonders why I'm asking these questions.

 

"Yeah, the kid was his prisoner for six months."

 

Leaning back, I try to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Jim must have found him during the bust and took him in... but why take care of him? Taggert suddenly leans in closer and I hold my breath.

 

"I don't know what's going on between Jim and you, but you're his father and you must care for your son. Jim truly loves Blair and as far as I can tell the feeling is mutual. I've never seen Jim happier in my life although they are facing grueling times together. Jim could use your support."

 

Jim's in love with a man? "But it's wrong!" Everything my parents taught me make me believe it is wrong for two men to be lovers. Everything society ever taught me makes it seem wrong, so why would Jim choose such a lonely path?

 

"I wouldn't know what's wrong about them being in love," Joel whispered.

 

"But... come on, you can't tell me gay cops are accepted within the force." I'm trying to understand Jimmy, but I can't. Jim has never done everything that led me to believe he was gay. It must be Blair's doing! Blair must have seduced him!

 

Taggert leans in closer. "Mister Ellison..."

 

"Bill," I correct him. "Please call me Bill."

 

"I know it's hard for men our age to understand that it's okay for two people of the same sex to love each other. Our whole upbringing tells us otherwise, but from what I've seen I believe they're truly in love. The feelings are mutual and who are we to tell them it's wrong? You may not understand it, but if you truly care for your son you will accept it."

 

Taggert's right. "But it won't be easy."

 

"No one said it would be easy. I still remember the shock on my father's face when my older brother brought home a white woman. My father threatened to disown him, to ignore him for the rest of his life, but after seeing them together my father slowly changed his mind. You can't stop love..."

 

"I really messed up." Leaving the loft like that clearly illustrated the shock I felt and I know Jim picked up on it. I can't return now; I don't want to upset him any further, but I have so many questions! Who is this Blair and why does Jimmy love him? "I'll call him later tonight." I'll ask Jimmy to meet me on neutral territory so we can talk and I can only hope he'll give me a second chance. "Thanks, Joel," I say, honestly. "But I've got to go now."

 

Joel nods his head and resumes sipping his coffee. I get to my feet and leave the coffee shop. As I walk back to my car, which I left at the loft, I use my cell phone to dial Jim's number. A moment later Jimmy answers the call. "Jim? It's me again."

 

"Dad..."

 

His voice is cold and distant and I heard that tone before. He's mad at me, but won't tell me. "I'm sorry I left like that." Jim remains quiet and I continue. "Maybe we can talk this over? Can we meet at the coffee house next to the station around ten? Richard should have left by then and I really need to get some things in the open."

 

"I'll be there."

 

I cringe, hearing his unyielding tone. "Jimmy, I'm really sorry..."

 

"Dad, I've got to go. We're in the middle of eating dinner."

 

"Sure, I'll see you around ten." After terminating the call I return to my car and slip behind the steering wheel. Looking up, my gaze travels up the building and settles on the loft windows. I've got a lot of thinking to do so why not do it here?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

Jim seems agitated as he returns to the living area. I'm nestled safely in a huge cocoon of blankets and Jim resumes feeding me pieces of steak, baked potatoes and greens. Should I tell him that I used to be a vegetarian? But that was a lifetime ago and the steak really tastes great. "Who was that on the phone?" It still surprises me that I actually have the courage to ask him personal questions. It's a testimony of the trust I have in Jim.

 

"My dad," he says softly.

 

"Your dad?" I open my mouth obediently and chew slowly. My jaw's still a bit tender from Thomson manhandling me. Seeing the expression in his eyes I grow silent again. It's obvious that he doesn't want to discuss this, but I can't give up. "He was here earlier today..." Jim told me that much. "What happened?" Ever since that visit Jim has been in a foul mood although he does his best to hide it.

 

"He doesn't trust you."

 

"Me? He doesn't even know me!" Jim's eyes soften and I look at him pleadingly. Please explain, Jim! 

 

"He thinks you're using me to get your bills paid."

 

Jim touches his fingertips to my lips to stop me from talking. But Jim...!

 

"He's an insensitive, manipulative man, Blair. He thinks everyone's after his money and... he never understood what makes me tick. When I was little he tried to convince me that I fantasized I had these heightened senses, that they weren't real. He almost succeeded."

 

"He hurt you," I whisper against his fingertips. I hate the fact that he's hurting and want to make everything right again, but I can't. This happened too many years ago. "Jim, don't believe him. You have heightened senses. You are a Sentinel and you're really special. You saved my life and my sanity and I'm not with you because of your money!" The fact that Jim's father thinks that I'm a gold digger hurts. "I love you, not your money!"

 

"I know that, sweetheart. Don't let him get to you. Don't let him have that much power over you. He tried to control and manipulate me for years and I only broke free by enlisting in the army."

 

"I'm so sorry." Tears are swimming in my eyes, but I force them back. Crying serves no purpose. 

 

"I love you, Blair."

 

"I love you too, man," I whisper, feeling emotional and suddenly one tear escapes my right eye and makes its way down my face. Jim catches it and licks the salty water from his fingertip, tasting it.

 

"Blair, do you remember I told you about Richard?"

 

The sudden change in topic surprises me. "Yeah, I do."

 

"He'll be here in a few minutes. Just answer his questions truthfully. He's here to help."

 

"I don't lie," I state firmly.

 

"I know that, but some of his questions will be... unpleasant." Jim barely finished his sentence when someone knocks on the front door. "That will be Richard. Stay here."

 

I stay on the couch and watch Jim open the door. I hear two voices; one definitely belongs to Jim. An elderly man steps into the living room and I quickly scan his eyes, knowing they will tell me whether I can trust him or not. Soft, gray eyes meet mine and I lean back into the comfort of the couch. 

 

"Hello, Blair. I'm Richard, your lawyer," Richard's melodic voice floats through the loft.

 

I continue to study him, uncertain whether to feel reassured or to be wary. His gray locks almost reach his shoulders and he's wearing a gray Armani suit. After placing his briefcase on the coffee table he opens it and uncovers some papers. "Jim told me you're having problems getting back into the program at Rainier?"

 

"Yes," I whisper after locking eyes with Jim, who nods his head encouragingly.

 

"She sent Blair this letter." Jim hands Richard the letter.

 

Richard reads it and then looks at me again. I can't maintain the gaze and look away. "I didn't willfully neglect my duties," I mumble softly.

 

"Six months ago he was kidnapped by a criminal called Stevens," Jim adds.

 

"I heard about him. It was on the news," Richard says, nodding his head. "And he held you captive these six months?"

 

My gaze is glued to the floor. I can't continue. Luckily Jim picks up on my discomfort and sits down beside me.

 

"Tell him what happened to you. You can trust Richard," Jim says reassuringly.

 

"Nothing you say will leave this room," Richard promises. "I'm on your side, Blair."

 

Shaking as a leave, I raise my head and tell Richard what happened during those six months. During the entire time, Jim's hand soothingly rubs the back of my neck, encouraging me to continue. I feel empty and numb after I finally finish my story.

 

"And now you're living with Jimmy?" Richard asks.

 

"Yeah... I..." I look at Jim, uncertain if he wants Richard to know we're more than friends.

 

"I love Blair," Jim says, giving Richard a probing look. "And I'm going to fight for his right to finish his dissertation."

 

Richard nods once and writes something down in his notebook. "As far as I can tell Chancellor Edwards didn't contact your committee to consult them in this matter. Who's your committee chair? Blair?"

 

"Professor Stoddard, but I don't think you'll be able to reach him. He went on an expedition to Ghana and I've got no idea when he'll be back." I snuggle up to Jim, needing him close.

 

Richard writes down the professor's name and then closes his notebook. "I'll talk to Chancellor Edwards personally. It looks like she made some big mistakes and will have to re-admit you to the program. I'll call you tomorrow evening." Richard closes his briefcase and rises from the couch. "I suggest you rest and stay off your feet. Let me deal with her."

 

Stunned, I nod my head. Where did Jim find this guy? Oh yeah, he's their family lawyer. "Thank you," I whisper shyly.

 

"You're welcome. It's a pleasure to help Jim out after such a long time. I'll call you, Blair."

 

Richard and Jim walk toward the front door and I only hear glimpses of what they're saying. 

 

"I'm glad you called, Jimmy..."

 

"Thanks for helping us out..."

 

"I'll be in touch..."

 

The voices fade and I close my eyes. Telling Richard what happened drained me.

 

"Hey, Chief, you look tired."

 

"I am tired." I open my eyes and wish I were back in Jim's bed. Seeing Jim's pleading expression I know something unpleasant is coming up. "What's wrong?"

 

"I promised to talk to my dad and he wants to meet me at Mary's coffee shop."

 

"How late?" Damn, he's going to leave me alone!

 

"In twenty minutes." Jim sits down on the couch. "I can call one of the guys at the station and ask them to come over while I'm gone. I'm sure they want to help."

 

"No, that isn't necessary." My big mouth always gets me into trouble! I can't be alone! Not after Thomson snuck up on me!

 

"I'll call Joel," Jim says determinedly.

 

"No! I can handle it! Jim, I've got to be able to handle it! I don't want to be a basketcase for the rest of my life! Gimme some credit here!" My lips are saying one thing, my heart another. Please stay, Jim. Please don't leave me alone! Shaking myself from my fear I grow angry with myself. I'm not a kid who's afraid of being alone! "I can deal with it. Get going or you'll be late."

 

Jim's hesitant to give in. "Are you sure?"

 

"Yeah, I'm sure!"

 

"Is there something I can do to make you more comfortable before I leave?"

 

"Yeah, actually there is, Jim. Help me upstairs?" I can't help it. For some reason I feel safe in Jim's bed. Jim gently lifts me from the couch and carries me upstairs. I protest all the way. "Jim, man, I can walk!"

 

"Tate told you to stay off your feet and I'm making sure you do!"

 

Jim places me in the center of the bed and tucks the comforter around me. "Can you put on some soft music? And leave the lights on?" I won't be able to sleep while he's gone. I'll be watching the staircase closely and maybe the music will help me relax slightly. Soft Eighties music echoes through the bedroom and I sigh relieved. "Leave the light on!" I remind Jim.

 

"I'll leave it on." Jim leans in closer.

 

His lips touch my brow and I smile, looking into his eyes. When did I fall in love with this man? I don't remember it happening, but it did. "Don't take too long, Jim."

 

"Just try to sleep and I'll be back soon." Jim walks towards the stairs. "You're safe here."

 

Yeah, now that Thomson's off the streets I'm safe. Just hurry back, Jim. I close my eyes, telling him it's okay to leave. Seconds later, the front door closes behind him and my eyes flash open. My vigil has started.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` 

 

"I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this..." The mantra never stops and I'm clutching the comforter between my useless hands. In spite of the soft music I can hear every alien sound in the loft and every time I startle, wishing Jim were back already.

 

Cold sweat covers my brow and I'm shaking all over my body. Checking the time I find that Jim has only been gone for twenty minutes and I'm already heading for a nervous breakdown. Twenty minutes... is that what it takes to make me panic?

 

"I can't do this! Please, Jim, I need you! I'm sorry, but I can't do this!" Leaning into the huge pile of pillows that Jim put onto the bed earlier, I try to make myself invisible. Please, don't let anyone hurt me!

 

"Grrrrr..."

 

The soft growl startles me and I sit upright. Pain slashes through my chest, reminding me I'm nursing broken ribs. My heart misses a beat and I hold my breath, seeing the black jaguar climb the stairs. "What...?" He comes to a stop in front of the bed and cocks his head. I scoot further away from him, but the reeling stops me. I'm trapped!

 

Jim's spirit guide purrs and jumps onto the bed. The sleek, muscular feline moves closer and I'm frozen, unable to move. My God, what does he want? "Jim's not here..." I whisper, lost. 

 

He bites into the fabric of my sleeve and pulls me away from the reeling, forcing me to lie back down in the center of the bed. "I already told you; Jim's not here!" I'm growing desperate, seeing the white fangs reflected in the sparse light. What's he going to do to me?

 

Another purr leaves his throat and the jaguar drapes its long tail over my legs, holding me in place. One front paw rest against my face and I'm terrified he'll use his sharp claws on me. Another paw rests on my stomach, not putting any pressure on it at all. "You want me to stay here and don't move? Is that it?"

 

The cat's tongue laps across my face, licking my cheeks, brow and nose. "What are you doing?" The tongue tickles and I chuckle softly, realizing he doesn't mean me any harm. The jaguar continues to lick my face and rests his head against my shoulder, settling down.

 

I finally understand. "You're here to watch over me. Jim can't be here so you came! I can't believe it! It's fucking amazing! Jim's spirit guide is watching over me!" The jaguar growls softly. It probably wants me to shut up and to get some sleep. "You feel so soft." The fur feels amazing against my skin. "I can't believe you're here... You're a spirit animal and I... I'm... you know what Stevens did to me and still you're willing to touch me? You're so pure..." I can't help rambling.

 

Another soft purr sounds against my shoulder and this time I heed the warning. "So soft..." The tongue returns and licks my face. I feel safe, so incredibly safe! It's like Jim's holding me, promising me his protection. My eyes begin to close. "Thanks, thanks for being here." I press my cheek against the warm, soft fur. The soft purring lures me back into sleep, where the wolf's waiting for me. They're watching over me and I feel completely safe.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Jim

 

I feel nervous, entering Mary's coffee house. I recognize my dad's scent and let it draw me closer. He's seated at the back of the establishment, sipping his coffee. "Dad," I say, sitting down opposite him. As long as I don't know what this is about I remain cautious.

 

"Jimmy." Bill gestures the waitress to bring them another coffee. "Thanks for coming. I wasn't sure you'd give me a chance to explain." He falls silent as the waitress puts the coffee on the table and he waits for her to leave before continuing.

 

"What's there to explain, dad? You leaving like that made it very clear that you didn't approve of Blair." This time I won't make it easy on him. His apology better be good or I'm out of here. If he only asked me here to badmouth Blair, I'm gone as well.

 

"I was surprised, shocked," Bill admits.

 

"Shocked? Because of Blair? I never knew you were homophobic."

 

"I'm not," Bill says thoughtfully. "But some events in my life made me cautious, maybe even suspicious. I don't believe in love at first sight and from what Joel told me you fell in love with Blair right away."

 

"Joel? You talked to Joel?" I'm not sure if I'm pissed off or pleased that he gathered information on Blair.

 

"He told me about Stevens and I put two and two together. Stevens was going to sell him as a sex slave?"

 

"Damn it, dad!" I never intended him to find out. "Stevens hurt him and I'm determined to see him heal. Don't you dare use this against him!"

 

"Against him?" Bill repeats, puzzled. "Jimmy, you've got it wrong!"

 

"Have I?" I sneer. "I saw the expression in your eyes when you realized Blair and I are lovers. You can't fool a Sentinel!"

 

"Jimmy, no, you're right on that account, but... I acted hastily. When I talked to Joel I realized my mistake. I was just afraid you were going to repeat my mistakes. I... judged too quickly."

 

"Your mistakes?" Now that sounds interesting, but I bet he isn't man enough to explain. My dad always hides behind his walls when I get too close. That's one reason why we never bonded as father and son. There's always this emotional distance between us, keeping us apart. I gave up on hoping it would one day disappear... now I'm not so sure anymore. It actually looks like dad is trying to connect.

 

"I never told you," Blair sighs, as unpleasant memories come crawling from the deep recesses of his mind. "Your mother married me because of my money."

 

"Dad, please!" Annoyed, I push back my chair and start to get to my feet.

 

"Jimmy, let me finish."

 

Sighing, I sit down again, crossing my arms in front of my chest. I don't understand why he's dragging up the past. Mother left us because my dad neglected her.

 

"When you were only two she started an affair with one of my business partners. He gave her the things she wanted, diamonds, cars, trips abroad. She wanted to hire a nanny who would raise you and Stephen and then travel the world, leaving you at home. I told her to clean up her act, to be a mother to you two boys, but she left that same night."

 

Shaking my head, I stare into his eyes. "You neglected her. You were always at work and she sat home alone."

 

"You're too young to remember, Jimmy, but she was always gone. When I got home after a long day at work, it was me, who fed the two of you, who rocked Stephen who when he wanted his mother. I know I wasn't a good father. I messed up, but I didn't know how to raise two boys. I repeated my father's mistakes and became distant after Grace left."

 

I can't believe I'm hearing this! He has to be lying! But as I focus on his heartbeat I find it steady. He isn't lying; he's telling the truth. "And you thought Blair would do the same thing to me as Grace did to you?"

 

"Yes." Bill closes his eyes briefly. "When you told me you were paying his bills I was reminded of Grace."

 

"You're wrong. Blair is nothing like that." What am I going to do about this? Is this Bill's way of apologizing to me? He should be apologizing to Blair instead!

 

"I'm starting to realize that now. That's why I asked you to come here. I want to make sure things are okay between us. I'm really sorry, Jimmy."

 

Are things okay again between us? I don't know. "You owe Blair an apology. When you slammed the door you woke him and... Damn, the kid's good at making me talk. He knows what you accused him of."

 

"I'll apologize," Blair says firmly. "I'll give him a chance if you give me a chance."

 

Now, is this blackmail? Cocking my head, I consider his request. If I give in it means dad will apologize to Blair and then what happens? "Are you going to disappear again?" I feel we have a chance here to deepen our relationship, but I won't try if he disappears from my life again after apologizing to Blair.

 

Bill shakes his head. "I'd like to be a part of your life. I just don't know how to do that."

 

The admission is brutally honest and I appreciate his sincerity. "I have to talk to Blair first. If he's okay with it, maybe you can come over for dinner one evening and we can talk."

 

"Sounds great," Bill says; smiling relieved. "Is there anything I can do to help? I know Richard will help with any legal hassles, but how can I help?"

 

I shrug my shoulders, surprised at hearing him offer his help. "I'm putting Blair on my insurance and once Richard takes care of Blair's problems at Rainier he'll get his stipend back. Right now Blair's pretty much confined to bed; there isn't much he can do except rest and eat."

 

"I understand," Bill says. "Let me know if you need help?"

 

"I will..." I empty my coffee and rise from my chair. "I'll talk things over with Blair. If he's okay with it, I'll call you about dinner."

 

"Thanks, Jimmy." Bill gets to his feet as well and extends his right hand.

 

Hesitantly, I shake the offered appendage. My dad takes me by surprise, pulling me close for a hug. I can't remember the last time he hugged me and my emotions are rising to the surface. Not now! I need to talk to Blair first! I'm not going to lose it because my dad is hugging me after twenty years! I free myself from his embrace and take a step back. "I'll call you."

 

Bill nods his head once and lets me go. I can feel his eyes on me as I walk towards the exit. I draw in a deep breath once I step onto the pavement, heading for the truck. Checking the time, I realize I talked to dad for over an hour. Damn, Blair's been alone all this time! I get into the truck, key the ignition and head home.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Softly, I let myself into the loft. Listening closely, I pick up on Blair's calm heartbeat. It doesn't look like he's having a panic attack and relieved, I climb the stairs to check on him. I freeze, seeing the large cat curled around him. Blair's resting comfortable, head tucked beneath the jaguar's. "Well, I'll be damned."

 

Irritated, the cat opens his eyes and gives me a stern look. "Thanks, for watching over him while I was gone," I whisper, not wanting to wake Blair from his peaceful sleep. "Stay a little longer, will you? I need to make some calls."

 

The cat rests his head next to Blair's and growls softly. I head back downstairs and call Simon. "Simon, it's me, Jim. How are things at the station?"

 

"Pretty calm, actually."

 

I can hear Simon's grin through the phone. "Anything on Grim yet?" I asked Simon to investigate him.

 

"Yes. I sent Rafe and Brown over to Rainier to interview him and he caved in at once. He confessed to supplying personal information to Stevens' dealers who then approached the students. Rafe and Brown are bringing him in right now. Looks like the kid was right to report Grim. It's just a damned shame that he reported the crime to Thomson... and Jim, IA still wants to talk to you."

 

"I'll contact them," I promise, knowing Simon can't keep them off my back forever.

 

"How's the kid doing?"

 

"Better; he's growing stronger every day. He'll be all right."

 

"I'm glad to hear that. Jim, I've got to go now. Take care of Sandburg and we'll hold the next poker night at the loft so he can get used to us being around. I assume he's staying at the loft?"

 

"Yeah, I'm not letting him go." Picking up on a muffled yawn from upstairs, I end the conversation and climb the stairs again. The jaguar's gone and Blair's eyes are open, looking at me.

 

"How did it go?" Blair manages to sit upright and looks about, puzzled.

 

"The jaguar kept you company, huh?" I sit down on the side of the bed and watch him nod his head.

 

"It left because you're back." Blair yawns sleepily and then smiles brightly. "How did the talk with your dad go? Don't change subjects."

 

"He wants to apologize to you for saying the things he did. He sounded sincere and I was thinking... maybe we can invite him over for diner this week? But only if you're okay with it." When did I start to ramble?

 

"Did he apologize to you?"

 

I nod once.

 

"Then he's welcome," Blair sighs and leans back into the pillows. "Damn it, I'm still sleepy!"

 

"I'm going to get you a snack and your meds. I'll be right back."

 

Blair's eyes are still open when I return with a sandwich and his meds. "You seem better."

 

"I feel better. Man, all I do these days is eat and sleep." Blair eats the sandwich and swallows the meds. "Join me in bed?"

 

I expected him to say that and I slip out of my shirt and jeans. I'm about to put on some sweats when his voice stops me.

 

"Just the boxers... please... I want us skin on skin."

 

Blair doesn't avoid my eyes and stares right back at me. That convinces me he's ready to take this step and I slip into bed, only wearing boxers. He moves into my arms and I stroke his back, caress his locks and listen to his relaxed breathing. Suddenly a load of pheromones hits me. Blair's getting hard. "Blair? Sweetheart?"

 

"Maybe we can... make each other come?"

 

I wonder why he sounds this hesitant.

 

"That's... if you want to... I'd understand if you don't want me to touch you..."

 

I know his warped thinking. "I crave your touch, baby. Don't ever think I don't want you." I roll Blair on top of my body and spread my legs to accommodate him. "Comfortable?" I don't want to put too much pressure on his ribs.

 

"I can manage," he whispers, blushing. "Jim, I can't do much here..."

 

My hands slip down his body and pull down his underwear. "You're hard." It still surprises me that he wants me, considering the things Stevens did to me. Stroking his cock slowly, I run my finger over the tip and he thrusts slightly. Within seconds I pushed down my boxes and our slick erections rub against each other, sending waves of pleasure through my body. I let Blair set the pace, align our cocks and we establish a gently rhythm.

 

Blair's draped eyes meet mine. He's just as surprised about his desire as I am. He didn't expect to feel this passionate. Leaning in closer, I cup the back of his neck in my hand and pull him in for a kiss. His lips part and my tongue slips inside, chasing his in a duel. His cock is leaking pre-ejaculate; he won't last long. With one hand I caress his face and with the other I stroke his back. Humping me, he climaxes, releasing his come onto my stomach. I follow his lead and add my come to his.

 

"Jim-m-m... I love you," Blair stutters, eyes filling with tears.

 

"I love you too." I kiss his brow and tuck his head beneath my chin. I'll clean us up in a moment, but I want to relish this moment first. I'm never letting go again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair

 

"Chancellor Edwards admitted to acting too quickly," Richard says, smirking. "You're back in the program, Blair and as the committee has already seen the first three chapters six months ago, there's no reason why you wouldn't be allowed to finish your dissertation. But you missed two semesters and you'll have to make up for that. They're expecting you back at Rainer in six weeks because that's how long Doctor Tate thinks you'll need to recover."

 

I can only stare at him. Richard managed the impossible. "Thanks..." It sounds empty and standard, but it's all I can come up with.

 

"If that's all..." Richard closes his briefcase and smiles warmly.

 

"I'll walk you to the door," Jim offers. "There's something I want to ask you."

 

I can still hear them and listen closely.

 

"Richard, I was wondering... if I want to make things legal with Blair..."

 

"I'll draw up the paperwork," Richard says, smiling. "I had a feeling you'd want to make things official."

 

"Thanks, Richard." Jim closes the door behind him and returns to the living room. "Blair?"

 

Yeah, I know I'm staring at him; I can't believe Jim said that! "You want to make this official?"

 

"Yeah..."

 

Jim sits down on the couch and gathers me close to him. "Jim, are you sure?"

 

"I'm sure, sweetheart."

 

Jim's fingering my locks and I shake in his arms. "But... what if... you've only known me..." For some reason I'm unable to finish my sentences.

 

"We will work out and I feel like I've known you my entire life. This is the right thing to do, Blair."

 

How can I argue with that? Leaning into his touch, the tremors that tormented my body die, and I feel at peace and blessed to have found him. I need to have faith in him, in us. "I want to be with you for the rest of our lives."

 

"Me too, baby."

 

Resting my head on his shoulder I close my eyes. I found the other half of my soul.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The end!

December 2001


End file.
